Natalipestova

Good afternoon Please help me with advice!
My husband and I have been married for 7 years, before that we lived in a civil marriage for 3 years. There is a 5 year old child. My husband is three years younger than me and I am his first in every sense of the word. My husband is a workaholic, and to relieve stress and tension his hobby is volleyball. He himself does not deny that his job comes first, sport comes second, and family comes third. Over the past year, relations have begun to deteriorate. It all started after he suffered a serious sports injury. It was necessary to travel to another city for an appointment and surgery. He turned to his friend for help, he acted as a driver and, as I later found out, his friend’s wife, who is also interested in volleyball, went with him to hospitals. When I asked why he didn’t ask me, he replied that why should I take time off from work! A friend and his wife are an individual entrepreneur and have free time. Then he began to disappear more and more often from these friends, paying more and more attention to the interests of their family! Jealousy and dissatisfaction with this state of affairs began on my part! It got to the point that he forbade me to visit these friends’ house because I was jealous of his friend’s wife. The relationship was getting worse. I tried to talk to him, bring the problem up for discussion, but the response was either silence or the phrase “don’t blow my mind”! This has been going on for a year now. And recently I once again tried to talk to him and he replied that his love for me was gone. True, maybe I myself forced him to say so, because he answered: “Yes, I don’t love you! Are you satisfied?” to my question: “why don’t you leave then?” answered: “That he doesn’t want the child to grow up without a father.” To the question: “What happens when you love someone else?” said that: “I won’t love anyone else!”
Now I don’t know what to do next! I understand with my mind that “you can’t step into the same river twice” and once love is gone, it can’t be returned. But I love him very much with my heart, and I don’t want to leave the child without a father!!! Maybe there was never love on his part, but there was just passion for me as the first! He grew up in a religious family and while growing up he had no contact with the opposite sex! Maybe he hasn’t had enough time yet and is now catching up! True, after the birth of my child, I also relaxed and gained a few extra pounds, and became no longer as attractive as in my youth.
What should I do in this situation: leave or try to save the family?

Natalipestova, hello! What's stopping you from saving your family? Is having friends with your husband a serious reason to leave your husband? It makes sense for you to work on yourself and your jealousy, and not break your family. After all, you yourself say that you forced your husband to say unpleasant words to you, and they were said in the heat of emotion. You constantly sort things out with him, quarrel, are jealous of the married couple of his friends who took an active part in his life and helped him in difficult times. In such conditions, it is difficult to have tender feelings for you. How do you think?

In every family, sooner or later there comes a moment when feelings cool down. But if your husband stops loving you, what should you do? What advice would a psychologist give? The first step is to understand the reason for what is happening. But she definitely exists, and maybe not even alone. It is very unpleasant to find yourself in a situation where the husband has stopped paying attention and interest in the affairs of the family and his wife in particular, avoids conversations and intimacy, even looks away to the side. At such times, a woman sadly remembers how wonderful everything was before. There was so much romance and love in the relationship. But now everything is different, everything inside is torn with pain and misunderstanding, why is this happening and why did everything turn out this way?

My husband has fallen out of love, what should I do? First of all, no matter how difficult it may be, we remain calm. It is a cool head that will help assess situations and understand the reasons. If you give free rein to your emotions now, it will not bring any benefit. The best behavior to find out the reasons would be to try to talk with your spouse in a calm, respectful tone, without reproaches or airing out grievances. Try to find out in this conversation what his thoughts are on this matter, how deep his alienation is. How he looks at what is happening.

This is just a difficult period in the life of your family, and the first passion has only passed, but he still loves you. Or, in the worst case scenario, the feelings have completely faded away, and he no longer considers you his closest and dearest person. If your husband agrees to such a conversation, then in addition you should find out what did not suit him in your relationship, what was missing, which is why this wall arose between you. Perhaps the reason was your infatuation with someone, or you seriously offended him, or you do not pay enough attention to him.

If the spouse wants to save the relationship.

If your husband has fallen out of love, but wants to maintain the relationship and return love, then you have a great chance to restore the family. To do this, you need to talk to him as openly as possible and try to identify all the shortcomings of your marriage. This may not be so easy to do. A good solution would be to get one that will help you understand your relationship and expectations for each other. A common situation due to which a man loses interest in his wife is when a woman is too carried away by her family and her husband’s interests, forgets about her hobbies, friends, studies and literally “drowns in the family.” Of course, in such a situation you pay a lot of attention to your husband, but you become uninteresting to him, stop developing and can no longer surprise him with anything.

Signs that your husband has fallen out of love.

Are you still thinking: “my husband has fallen out of love, what should I do?”, read on. If you can’t have an honest conversation with your spouse, you’ll have to figure out the reasons yourself and how serious the situation is. Here are signs that your husband is not experiencing his former love:

• Prefers to be more often in the company of friends than his wife. He stays late at work and starts skipping dinners together, although this has never happened before.
• He has stopped taking initiative in intimacy and even avoids it.
• He doesn’t want to discuss his problems at work and is not interested in your affairs either.
• Stopped calling when there is a missed call from you and may not call back.
• Previously, he always said “our...”, “we...”, but now only “my...”, “I...”.

My husband has completely fallen out of love and is asking for a divorce.

If circumstances develop in such a way that the husband says that he has completely fallen out of love, perhaps he has met another woman and wants to break off the relationship, then you should not interfere with him in any way. How to get over a breakup, how to get over your husband's betrayal? Of course, it is very painful when a loved one, with whom so many joyful moments have been experienced,
He says he wants to leave and erase everything that happened. But if a person behaves this way at the first difficulties, does not want to solve problems and declares that love has passed, then why do you need him? Don't make a scene, don't ask him to stay. You cannot keep your spouse in this way. Men are selfish people and live with a woman only when everything suits them.

If you just can’t come to terms with this turn of events, then you can try to interest him in you again. To do this, change your image, hairstyle, update your wardrobe, watch your figure. Chat with your friends, receive compliments from other men, find yourself a new hobby.
It is also worth thinking about the fact that the end of something is always at the same time the beginning of new events, a new stage in life. And what this stage will be depends on you. After all, life doesn’t end there, now you can have a lot of time for yourself, think about what you have long wanted to do, where to go. And new relationships will not keep you waiting. The main thing is to take into account your mistakes from your past life and do not repeat them again.

Of course, dealing with all this alone will not be so easy. But you can always get the support of an experienced specialist.

If you have come to this page, read it to the end; there are always many pitfalls in personal relationships.

Have you realized that next to your loved one you feel lonely, alien and unwanted? This is a reason to think that something has gone wrong in your relationship. If he has lost interest in you, lives his own life, is interested in what happens to you extremely rarely and only “for show,” then most likely he is now the one who was there before.

How to behave in such a situation, how to survive a difficult time with the least emotional loss, we figured out by Alexandra Dudkina And psychologist, Gestalt therapist Tatyana Gavrilyak.

Symptoms of “dislike” It is important to understand that we are not talking about some kind of cyclical decline in relationships. All couples go through periods of crisis when passions subside and you are not so attracted to each other. If you notice something wrong, don’t immediately think that this is the end. Give both yourself and him time to see what happens next. However, if you are already thinking about what to do if your husband has fallen out of love and the cold has dragged on, if you see that on his part there is not the slightest attempt to save your couple, then this is a reason to think about whether this couple exists at all?

“The concept of “falling out of love”- very relative. It may seem like there is no love anymore. But in fact, there is simply a large number of accumulated negative feelings, under which love is no longer felt,” the psychologist comments.

There are a number of signals that will tell you about problems in your relationship. By paying attention to them in time, you get a chance to fix everything. So:

1. A man does not treat you with the same reverence that he used to have. Almost never hugs or kisses. When you yourself reach out to him, he turns away;

2. Does not attach importance to sharing meals. It would seem that this is such a small thing. However, eating together brings people very close. And ignoring such an important element of a strong relationship speaks of his subconscious reluctance to be near you;

3. Refuses to discuss his problems at work or troubles that have arisen in his relationships with friends. He doesn't let you into his personal space;

4. He finds fault with you with or without reason, he believes that you do everything with a C grade. At the same time, your efforts and successes go unnoticed;

5. Never calls you first and never calls you back when he sees a missed call. It is possible, of course, that he has a very stressful job without a single free minute, but the one who truly loves you will definitely find time to call back and ask if everything is okay;

6. Does not show initiative in intimacy, and reacts to your attempts to have sex as if doomed;

7. Increasingly uses the pronouns “I, my” instead of “we, ours.” It feels like he lives separately from you. This behavior looks like nothing more than neglect of your relationship;

8. He is of little interest in how your working day went, how you feel (even if just yesterday you were sneezing and coughing). And this is in contrast to how caring he was just a couple of months ago.

In each specific case, there may be different reasons why the husband fell out of love. Explaining the general reasons why men move away from the women they love, the psychologist says that it is primarily a matter of insufficient emotional intimacy: “More often, misunderstanding in the family arises due to the inability of people to sincerely talk about problems, express experiences, receive feedback, etc. In this case, the man and woman cannot correct what they do not like in the relationship. Problems grow like a snowball, although everything could have been solved long before the idea of ​​past love appears.”

How to react to cooling

If you realize that he has really cooled off, it’s worth figuring out what to do, how to return his feelings and whether to return them at all.

It seems obvious to many to call the man for a frank conversation and find out what went wrong. However, conversation differs from conversation, Tatyana Gavrilyak says:“The result directly depends on how this conversation is conducted. If we speak from the position of claims and dissatisfaction, of course, the man will not make contact, but if you try to honestly and calmly voice your feelings about what is happening, then perhaps it will lead to a solution to the problem.”

Most often, it is quite difficult for men to talk about their feelings; they do not like to sort things out, and therefore are ready to remain silent until the last moment, until the situation becomes stalemate. And if a man does not know how to take responsibility for what is happening to him and his family, then you should not wait for the first step from him. Before it’s too late, start a conversation yourself, find out what doesn’t suit him, what he would like, how he sees the future of your couple. By his intonation, willingness to discuss the problem, and even by whether he looks you in the eyes when answering, you can understand whether there is a chance to save the relationship.

If you see your man’s willingness to engage in dialogue, jointly solve the problem that has arisen and do everything so as not to destroy the family, then all is not lost. You can try to get out of a difficult situation on your own by listening to your loved one, taking into account what does not suit him, and also sharing your experiences. If nothing changes due to independent actions, Tatyana Gavrilyak advises contacting a specialist.

However, when the conversation feels like a one-sided game and you feel like you’re straining your vocal cords in vain, then most likely your man is not ready to help you maintain the relationship. Their further continuation will also look like a meaningless conversation. Perhaps we should let him go.

Don’t want to let go, even knowing that he cheated on you? You will have to find the strength within yourself and forgive. “But you need to truly forgive so as not to remember the betrayal. And this is difficult and long work - such forgiveness,” adds Tatiana Gavrilyak.

What to do if he said he doesn't love you

It’s easy to get confused and not know what to do if your husband has fallen out of love, when it’s just guesswork. But in a situation where a man himself says that he doesn’t love you anymore, everything is much more complicated. As we said, representatives of the stronger sex show weakness in matters of ending relationships that have already become obsolete. Part of the point is that a sense of duty means a lot to men, and most of them will prefer to stay with you, even if they have an affair. But if you heard: “Let’s break up, I don’t love you anymore,” you should let him go.

It is important to understand that you will never become happy if your hands are not busy creating your own happiness, but trying to keep the man who is leaving. Clutching tightly to his back, you will feel unwanted. Therefore, it is worth finding the strength within yourself and freeing your thoughts from the person for whom you have ceased to mean something.

For what reasons do women not let go of those who do not love them and continue to live with them under the same roof? Most often it is a matter of common children, fear of loneliness and excessive merging with a partner. “There is nothing good in such relationships either. If one cannot imagine himself without the other and is dependent on him, then this is an unhealthy relationship. And it’s one thing to destroy a relationship based on love, but quite another to destroy a relationship based on addiction. But saving a family for the sake of children is absolute absurdity. In this way, women only justify their fear of loneliness. There can be no benefit for children from maintaining the appearance of a family. Happy parents are much more valuable to children, regardless of whether they are together or not,”—

"I do not love you anymore!" These words often come as a shock to a woman. How to react? How to live further? Will the fading of feelings lead to separation or can we try to revive the marriage? The wife faces a difficult decision: let her husband go and agree to a divorce or try to breathe new life into the relationship.

My husband has fallen out of love: is that so?

A sudden coldness in his gaze, a lack of confidential conversations - all this can lead to the idea that the husband no longer loves. This situation becomes a real nightmare for those women who devoted themselves entirely to their family. It is difficult for them to imagine themselves without their loved one. How to determine whether your spouse has actually fallen out of love?

Reasons for cooling that are not related to feelings

If you ask women by what signs they will understand that their partner has stopped loving them, they will probably say that he:

Experts say that decreased libido, inattention, and withdrawal are associated with stress or overwork. Perhaps the husband has problems at work that he does not want to involve his wife in, but cannot distract himself from them. Prolonged depression, rare intimate contacts, irritability may be signs of depression or other diseases.

Signs of lost love

Are there obvious signs that indicate a cold husband? Yes, these include the following:

• wife insults;
• finding fault with appearance and behavior with the intent to offend;
• ridicule, especially in the presence of other people;
• threats, shouting and blackmail;
• physical violence.

A person who uses psychological violence and raises his hand is unlikely to love his partner. He can find an excuse for his actions and swear his love, but such a marriage has no future. You should think carefully before continuing such a relationship.

What to do?

There are often situations when a wife knows for sure that her husband no longer loves (we recommend reading:). Perhaps he himself said so and proposed to dissolve the marriage. Psychologists say that the suffering from the betrayal of a loved one is comparable to the pain from the loss of a loved one. What to do if your husband has fallen out of love (see also:)? Experts give advice on how to behave in such a situation.

Let go and move on

Letting go of a loved one is not easy. It’s not worth keeping a man next to you who directly says that your feelings have faded away. Sooner or later he will leave. How to survive a breakup?

It is worth breaking off contact with your husband. Even casual communication will give rise to mental pain. Try to change the situation. A vacation with friends will help you get over a breakup. Don't limit your contacts with other men. At first, meeting new people will be difficult, but over time, communication can develop into a relationship.

Hold. At any cost?

Some women decide to fight for their love. When choosing such tactics of behavior, you should determine why you want to maintain this relationship. If a woman feels that life is impossible without a partner, another man will never look at her, and her age or appearance will not allow her to build a personal life, it is better to consult a psychotherapist. This behavior does not look like love, but like emotional codependency.

How to behave as a wife

If your husband says that he has fallen out of love, you need to bring him into a confidential conversation. The first reaction may be shock, anger, tears, but you should try to restrain yourself and sit down at the negotiating table. Perhaps the man will be able to name a specific reason that led to the fading of feelings - this will help decide what to do next. If the reason for the cooling was feelings for another woman, you should not try to compete with your mistress, because the one who betrayed you once will definitely set you up again.

Many women begin to surround their husband with excessive attention, try to change his appearance, and attract him with delicious pies. This behavior causes a backlash and pushes you away even more. Don't forget that you are a full-fledged person. Engage in self-development, education, meet with friends more often. Make it clear that after the divorce you will have a rich and interesting life. Perhaps the man will look at you in a new way.

What to change in the family structure

Having learned the reason for the cooling, a woman should think about her behavior:

Will the children be saved?

Some women, seeing the cooling, try to get pregnant and give birth to a child in the hope that it will strengthen the family. Why you shouldn't do this:

• if a man has decided to leave the family, he will do it, and the children will not hold him back;
• the child must be planned and desired;
• According to statistics, many marriages break up in the first months after the birth of the baby, so pregnancy can only speed up the separation;
• the woman will project onto the child a feeling of resentment towards her ex-husband.

Even if the man remains out of a sense of duty, such a family cannot be called happy. Love will not flare up with renewed vigor, and the growing baby will feel the tense relationship between the parents.

If there are already children, wives often begin to appeal to feelings of guilt or threaten a ban on seeing the child. Such behavior will not add respect or love to the woman, and the child becomes just a subject of manipulation between the parents.

Never do this! Wives' mistakes

It is difficult to pull yourself together and think through a plan of action when you find out that your husband no longer loves you. Many women make mistakes that make the situation even worse. What you should never do:

1. Having an affair with another man. Wanting to cause jealousy, a wife may cheat with another man. However, this will only speed up the breakup - the husband will now have a good reason to separate.
2. Trying to make you feel sorry. You shouldn’t invent illnesses for yourself, quit your job, or talk about your own insignificance. This behavior will cause irritation and aggression.
3. Blackmail with children. Many husbands love their children, but by trying to play on parental feelings, a woman will not achieve her goal. On the contrary, a man may try to convince the court that the child should live with him and not with the mother.

Getting over a breakup is not easy, and maintaining a good relationship with your ex-husband is even more difficult. Whatever decision a woman makes for herself, to let her husband go or to fight for her love, visiting a specialist will not hurt. It is worth inviting your husband to go to a family psychologist together. Perhaps working on yourself in a psychotherapist’s office will help you regain your former love.