For a year, the husband cheated on our reader while she was raising a baby. While he was leaving and returning, his wife’s nervous system, as she herself writes, cracked.
How to survive the betrayal of a loved one and understand his motives - in this material.
Losing a loved one is easy, but regaining an emotional connection or finding an equally strong new one is not the easiest task. Perhaps you shouldn’t be a hero and try to figure out a problem on your own that seems unsolvable to you. We offer you professional help from psychologists from the Center for Successful Relationships.
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I want to tell you my story and understand how to live on.
My husband and I got married in February 2013 and had a daughter in August. This is my husband’s second marriage, and he also has a daughter from his first. We lived well, I don’t remember any major quarrels, minor ones were quickly forgotten, there were no financial problems: the common money was on the shelf, purchases were planned, repairs were made, there were no complaints.
Since the summer of 2016, my husband opened his own business, not in our city, but in Minsk. I was initially wary, I had to weigh a lot, calculate, think about it, but he took it easier - I’ll open it, and then everything will work out. At that moment I was already pregnant with my second planned child.
Financial difficulties began, plus my husband spent a lot of time at work looking for orders, that is, there was no permanent schedule, stability disappeared. In October, a son was born, my husband returned home late from work, and misunderstandings began. I began to notice that he was texting with someone on his laptop - I noticed a smile on his face. To my questions about what it is and who it is, he answered - at work.
Then the baby started crying, I went to him - and so on until the morning. There was no way to concentrate, fatigue accumulated from sleepless nights, resentment towards her husband from the indifference that appeared in him even towards the child, from misunderstanding.
My husband began to calmly leave for work, leaving us with an empty refrigerator and no money. If it weren’t for my mother, I don’t know how I would have gotten out of it. To the question “maybe you have someone?” He replied that it was just problems at work. I asked him to confess, I said that I wouldn’t throw hysterics, everything would just immediately fall into place and there would be an explanation for his behavior.
Then it got worse: in January 2017, my baby and I ended up in the hospital, my husband came at our request if we needed to bring something, and immediately tried to leave, no sympathy, no interest in me and the child. After discharge, there was tension in the house, I could not understand why. My husband became irritated and to some extent aggressive, I tried to restrain myself in front of the children and not escalate the situation. Gradually, my husband began to return from work after 12 at night, this became a habit and was already taken for granted.
I tried to file for divorce three times, but he stopped me. Once he asked me to be patient: they said that everything would be sorted out soon and there would be more time for the family. This never happened.
My nervous system collapsed. No, I didn’t throw hysterics and scandals, in principle there was no time and no one to throw them, everything came out through tears into the pillow, and those around me did not know about my situation. I understood that he was lying to me, but I was already so tired that I didn’t want to find out anything. And I also thought that it was beneath my dignity.
In the fall, my husband went on a business trip to the Russian Federation for a month and a half, taking the money without warning ($100).
When he returned, I told him I filed for divorce. But she never did. There was only one reason for this - children (I always believed that they should grow up in a complete family). Perhaps I attached too much importance to this, I didn’t want the children to have complexes on this basis, they were just starting to live. The pain for them still haunts me.
And then on December 3, my husband showed up at home admitting that he had been cheating on me for a year, while I was raising the baby and not forgetting about my eldest daughter. His confession was met calmly, even very much; it turned out that everything was happening nearby, in our city, that she was divorced, without children, 37 years old, he was 38 (I’m 34).
He cried, said that he wanted everything to be as before, that he could no longer see my tears, that he missed the children, that he would do everything to regain my trust.
On the one hand, clarity came, which I had been missing for a whole year, on the other, wild pain from betrayal appeared, I never thought that I would find myself in such a situation, probably no one does.
Resentment for everything that I had to go through, a lack of understanding of how this is possible: how can one turn away from children, how can one lie like that?! He reassured. Tired of everything and thinking about the children, I immediately said, without taking time to think, that we would try to start over - just for the sake of the children.
That same evening he went to her, saying that he would straighten out all the dots and break things off completely.
And for the first week we lived the way I always wanted - interest in children, late arrivals, evenings together, shopping, some plans for the future.
But then a week passed, and Monday came - the situation repeated itself. Again unanswered calls, again arriving at night. We had a fight, I again saw some kind of impudence and mockery in my eyes.
On New Year's Eve, he practically did not appear at home. On December 31st he met us, but I caught his strange, thoughtful glances... And on January 1st he said goodbye to us and left. Now we live separately, it’s clear where he is. I filed for divorce. When asked why he didn’t say everything at once, why he had to return to the family and tie the children to himself, only to then abandon them anyway, he answered that he was a fool, but he didn’t abandon his children and would see them.
I’ll be honest: as soon as the door closed behind him, there was some kind of relief. Moreover, the daughter took everything calmly. I didn’t tell her the whole truth due to her age (4 years), but I explained that dad would rarely appear.
I probably want to get an answer to my question from you: how could one behave this way, what motivated the person, what kind of values did he have inside?
It turns out that before that there was a mask, that this “rotten rot” was sitting in him? If this is true love for him, then usually this feeling ennobles people. It cannot force one to act so vilely and vilely.
Let me remind you that this lasted for a year! Or the person is simply not ready for family and family problems, and is unstable in the face of difficulties. His first marriage broke up for the same reason and after about the same period of time, but long before me (6 years before we met).
E There are people who are able to quickly make judgments about certain situations, about people and their actions, without understanding what is happening. But sometimes they themselves cannot even analyze their thoughts or actions. This story is about a man who pushed his wife away in order to save himself. Probably many people immediately thought about how bad he was. Don't rush to judge! Read on and you will understand that nothing is definitely right.
One teacher was telling a story to the children about a cruise ship that crashed at sea. More precisely, about one married couple who were on this ship. They managed to reach the lifeboat, but there was only room for one person.
At that moment, the man jumped into the boat himself, and his wife remained on the sinking ship. She shouted something after him, and he was already swimming away.
What do you think she shouted at him?
95% of people will say: “I hate you!”, “How blind I was!” and something like that.
The teacher asked the same question to the students. And only one of them answered differently.
He replied, “Teacher, I believe she screamed: Take care of our child!”
Surprised, the teacher asked, “Have you heard this story?”
The boy shook his head and said, “No, but that’s what my mother told my father before she died of illness.”
The teacher said: “The answer is correct. The cruise ship sank. The man returned home and raised his daughter alone. And a few years after his death, their daughter found his diary. It turned out that when the parents boarded the cruise ship, the mother had already been diagnosed with an incurable disease. At a critical moment, the father accepted this only chance for survival. He wrote in his diary: “I would like to sink to the bottom of the ocean with you, but for the sake of our daughter I could not allow it…”.
The students were silent when the teacher finished the story. The moral is simple: do not make hasty decisions about something or someone, because good and evil are not so clear-cut and can be difficult to recognize.
Hello. My name is Anastasia. I have an incomprehensible situation. Well, I’ll tell you in order, the guy and I met, we started dating, everything was fine, well, other than that it’s always like that at the beginning of a relationship. But then he didn’t like something and decided to break up, I was killed, cried, tried to talk to him, but he didn’t want to. Then for some reason he decided to come back to me, I accepted, but after a while he wanted to leave again, he said that he hadn’t had enough time yet... Well, I was in tears again, but I didn’t pester him. Then it so happened that we started communicating on social media .network VKontakte. He wrote that he had a lot of girls (which later turned out to be not true), so I once got ready to visit a friend (and of course I really wanted to see him) (my friend lives in the same village with him)), I told him, and his reaction shocked me, he offered to meet, to meet me, etc.) then he called me that day to agree to meet) well, we met and walked with him. Then I wrote to VK for a long time to come more often and that I wanted to measure myself. I didn’t mind, but then he started having problems, and we stopped communicating for a while. in the summer he called me with his parents to the sea, told me not to think long, and then disappeared. later he appeared and wrote that he had a girlfriend,... I wished him happiness and that’s it, I didn’t write a word to him anymore. he periodically wrote himself and asked how I was doing. And then at one fine moment he writes to me and asks about a boyfriend (do I have a boyfriend, I write to him no. A few days later he writes again: hello. Tell me honestly, do you have a boyfriend? I write to him asking: why do you feel this way? interested, and he writes: just say yes or no. I wrote that no. He writes: you have a boyfriend, I found out everything about you. You’re happy with us now, well, well. I wrote again that I don’t have a boyfriend .) (I just wrote in VK the status: happy, and put it as: in love). then his girlfriend writes to me, telling me not to interfere with their family and that he thinks badly of me, I’m annoying him, and that I’m behaving like a girl of easy virtue, and that he knows about the correspondence. Someone told him that I have a boyfriend and he decided to find out for sure. and if I had a boyfriend, he would be glad that I wouldn’t bother him. I sat in shock... I wrote to my mother that they were living together and that the wedding was coming soon. Well, I listened and that’s it... I didn’t touch them, I suffered in silence, then I tried to build relationships with other guys, but without results, they literally made me sick, I came back from meetings angry, tried to run away from them, etc. . . I eventually stopped trying. and just recently, about a month ago, he wrote to me, supposedly he wants me back, he thought about me, he loves me, he won’t hurt me again, he won’t leave me. Well, I agreed. it all started great, he wrote to me that he loved me, called me, missed me, said that people like me don’t get abandoned. and now I find out the reason for breaking up with his ex: she became pregnant, and got on his nerves, demanded to buy something, and if you tell her no, then into tears, made scenes on various occasions. and in the end he couldn’t stand it. As he found out, she was married, she lived with her husband for 3 days and kicked him out, and she had a lot of boyfriends, he found out that she smokes, although she hid it from him. then she constantly wrote obscenities to his mother, said that he was a creature and a scumbag, cursed at me, wished me death and to burn in hell, that I was a creature. he kept telling me that her pregnancy was unnecessary, that he didn’t want to return to her... at that time he invited me to come to his place, introduced me to my parents, met mine, gave me a ring, told me to move in with them after school . that everything will be fine with us, and that we will still sing at the wedding. I spent my weekends with him, he took care of me, made me tea, made me eat so that I could keep my back straight, we watched movies together. and everything was fine. and then this ex of his appears and says the guy doesn’t want to raise the child herself and that he takes back his words. his mood has changed dramatically, and he doesn’t know what to do. I asked: do you want to return to her? he writes no. I ask do you love her: he writes what does love have to do with it, I just did something stupid and I’ll solve it myself. I asked to give him time the next day, he removed me from friends and wrote that for a while, I noticed that he did not have fewer friends and that he added his ex. I ask him: have you decided to return to her? he writes: sorry, yes, I can’t live with a stone in my soul. I ask: do you love her? he: what does this have to do with it, the child is mine and I don’t need a sign of paternity. and then he writes that I realized that the seed must be whole. and then the phrase killed me: thank you for helping me relieve stress. Now he has restricted my access to VK. but I don’t understand why everything changed so dramatically (they already told me that he was bewitched), I love him and I’m worried about what’s wrong with him. I will be glad if he is happy. but I don’t understand why this all happened. if he wanted to relieve stress, then why me? he has many friends on VK (I wasn’t on them at the time and he deleted my number). I could choose any one. Why did all this happen (meeting your parents, caring, ring, plans for the future)? Is it really all a game? (a friend tells me that she seems to be manipulating him. When she started dating him, she found out that I had once dated him, found out my home address, where my parents work, and generally showed great interest in me.) . help me figure it out(((
And in fact, he didn’t go anywhere, but hid around the corner and waited for you to rush after him shouting, “Darling, come back, why are you doing this to me?” Or don't even come back. Just “Why?!”, Or maybe “Well, you’re a brute, though!” Almost no one is able to control themselves when a relationship ends suddenly and without explanation. Even if we don't want to continue them, we want to talk. Lastly. We want to put a full stop, but there’s not even an ellipsis here, there’s just a torn off page with the ending. And this will torment us for a long time. A very long time. That is why sudden disappearance is an excellent tool for manipulation: you will drive yourself into a frenzy, trying to understand what happened - and that’s it, you can be taken lukewarm. And impose my will on you.
He's a coward
Cowardly men love to wear the masks of a “real man” - a brutal, taciturn macho who is alien to “female things.” By “female things” he means normal human communication. Which includes conflicts, yes. Conflicts are absolutely normal, but a coward does not understand this precisely because he is afraid. If a coward fancies himself an esthete, he will sigh dramatically, roll his eyes and say: “Oh, women’s tears are beyond my strength!” If a coward imagines that he is a tough guy, then through clenched teeth he will throw out a contemptuous: “I just couldn’t get enough of women’s hysterics!” In fact, he's just very scared. He is terrified of conflicts because he is generally afraid of relationships. He just doesn't know how to be in them. Physically present, but emotionally - sitting in a hole, biting his nails and whispering: “Whatever happens, huh?”
He's childish
This is a bunny boy. The child may be forty years old, but development stopped at the crisis of three years, which is why he still behaves this way. Have you ever seen how little kids tear their hand out of their mother’s palm and, with their noses sternly frowning, stomp wherever they suddenly want to go? Silently, of course, and without explaining anything. Because they don’t know how yet, and they can’t do it, and they shouldn’t—it’s too early. Some comrades are firmly stuck at this stage of development, and, unfortunately, nothing can be done about it. One can only be glad that he has finally left. Because if you do catch up with him and ask why the hell he did this, you will hear in response: “What’s wrong?”
He's a liar
A nasty guy that none of us are safe from meeting, unfortunately. And it is almost impossible to prevent the situation, because deceivers do not play. They just live like this and get incredible pleasure from it. If you rush to look for your disappeared sweetheart, you may well discover that he is not a busy bachelor, but a happy husband and father of three children, and his name, by the way, is completely different. And, by the way, you'll get off easy if that's the case. Because deceivers rarely use their gift just for fun. Usually they also extract money from gullible women.
He's just a ghoul
Some people prefer to use the expression “energy vampire,” but it smacks of mysticism too much. It seems to us that “ghoul” is a much more capacious word and perfectly reflects the nature of a moral sadist, which, in fact, a ghoul is. He knows that he can return at any moment. He knows he will see you exhausted. And, leaving, he is already looking forward to this moment. Om-nom-nom, delicious. Try not to give him this pleasure, okay?
No, it's not about you
There is not a single really compelling and valid reason that could force a person to suddenly break off a relationship. Not just to disappear - there are a lot of reasons for this, unfortunately - but to break apart. And you don’t have a single reason to regret that he did exactly that. And there is not a single reason to indulge in self-criticism and wonder what exactly you could have done wrong. Because it's not about you. It's about him. And to hell with it.
