Question for a psychologist:

Hello

I hope you can help me.

I had a girlfriend, she was 18 years old and this was her first relationship with me. We dated her for a year and a half. It was quite an intense relationship. Sometimes we argued seriously, 2 times a month, but we made up and continued our relationship further. One day I needed to go out of town for a week, where there was a problem with communication, and I could only communicate with my girlfriend in the evenings. She was very upset that I had to leave and begged me to stay. When I was out of town, I began to notice that she was not very interested in how things were going with me, citing the fact that she was in a bad mood and was sad. After my arrival, I decided to ask her what was the matter, why she and I began to communicate so coldly with each other, to which she replied that she didn’t know whether it was love or just affection, I was amazed by this answer. I suggested that she think for one day whether we will continue or not. The next day I asked her if she wanted to continue. To which she replied that she did not want to break up. I thought everything would be fine. Two days later, I realized that everything was not the same as before, she was not showing any initiative in my direction. I felt bad. She said that nothing would be the same as before. I came to her apartment in a very broken state. We sat, she said that she would miss me. We had kisses that were on her initiative. I didn’t stay with her and left. I felt very bad, I could not sit within four walls. I signed up for a boxing class, began to spend more time with my friends, but my thoughts were only about my ex. A week after the breakup, I find out that she started dating someone else the day after we broke up. This made me furious. They communicated even before we broke up with the girl. I felt jealous, and the girl and I argued about this, but she told me that he was just a friend, that she didn’t need anyone except me. 3 weeks later I find out that they broke up. And I was pleased with this, and wanted to get in touch with her. But soon my ex herself writes to me that she regrets what happened, apologized to me in every possible way, and wished me not to be disappointed in future girls. I invited her to meet and discuss this. My ex told me how they started dating. When I was out of town, my ex was relaxing at the dacha with this man and his friends. She said that at a certain point she realized that feelings for him began to appear. And they broke up because my ex began to miss me. I asked her if she wanted to get back into the relationship. She replied that she didn’t know, after everything that had happened. She said that she missed her very much and was sorry, but she didn’t know if everything would be the same. We agreed that we needed time to think. A week later I suggested meeting. I asked her what she thought, to which she replied that she also didn’t know that it was just attachment. We kissed, it shocked me, it was very unexpected, because I never thought that this would happen at all. She said that during the kiss she didn’t feel anything for me. I suggested that she try again, go through this difficult period, even if it won’t be the same as before, but everything will be new. But she also didn’t show any initiative towards me, and when I saw her off, she said that she didn’t know if anything would work out for us, I realized that we were breaking up again, and that this was the end. I kissed her, thanked her for everything, and left. It was bad, but I understood that there was nothing more to be done. In the evening of that day, she began to call me, saying that she felt very bad, that something might have happened. This left me perplexed. I said without any emotion that we had a chance, but you wasted it yourself. Two weeks later she asks me to insult her, citing the fact that she can’t stop thinking about me. I didn't insult her. She says the memories haunt her. I asked her if she wanted to come back to me, she replied that she missed me, that there were many good memories between us, but this love had passed, and only affection remained. Please tell me, is it possible to somehow save our relationship? Please explain to me the girl's behavior. And if it is still possible to somehow save the relationship, how to do it?

Psychologist Yulia Mikhailovna Donina answers the question.

Hello Andrei. In your question, you ask to explain the behavior of your ex-girlfriend, but I immediately want to make a reservation that psychologists are not telepaths and they, just like non-psychologists, cannot know what is in another person’s head, cannot read other people’s thoughts, but can only guess. Therefore, what I will write to you is based only on an analysis of your letter and contains only my assumptions.

It seems to me that your girlfriend herself doesn’t really understand whether she wants to continue the relationship with you. Perhaps you did not meet her expectations from the relationship by leaving the city while she asked you to stay. After all, as far as I understand, your problems began precisely with your departure. From my point of view, this does not indicate either her mature view of your relationship or her deep feelings. When you love, you strive to understand your loved one, his circumstances, to find some kind of compromise between your “want” and his “need”. On the part of your girlfriend, only a selfish, childish position is noticeable, based only on her own desires, which sometimes even turn into whims. On your part, however, Andrey, there is also some inconsistency. When your ex-girlfriend called with the words that something might work out for you, you should have agreed, and not said that “she wasted her chance.” After all, on the same day, a little earlier, you discussed the possibility of resuming relations. I understand that perhaps you said that out of resentment, but in this case, you made it worse for yourself too. You know, reading your letter, I was reminded of the folk tale about the crane and the heron. I will give it below. Taken from the collection of A.N. Afanasyev "Russian children's fairy tales."

Once upon a time there lived a crane and a heron, and they built huts at the ends of the swamp. The Crane found it boring to live alone, and he decided to get married.

Let me go and woo the heron!

The crane has gone - whack-yuck! He kneaded the swamp for seven miles, came and said:

Is the heron at home?

Marry me.

No, crane, I won’t marry you, your legs are long, your dress is short, you have nothing to feed your wife. Go away, lanky one!

The crane, no matter how salty it was, went home. The heron then changed her mind and said:

Rather than live alone, I’d rather marry a crane.

He comes to the crane and says:

Crane, marry me!

No, heron, I don't need you! I don’t want to get married, I won’t marry you. Get out!

The heron began to cry with shame and turned back.

The crane thought about it and said:

It was in vain that he didn’t take the heron for himself: after all, it’s boring to be alone. I’ll go now and marry her.

He comes and says:

Heron, I decided to marry you; come for me.

No, lanky one, I won’t marry you!

The crane went home. Here the heron thought better of it:

Why did you refuse such a fine fellow: it’s no fun to live alone, I’d rather marry a crane!

He comes to woo, but the crane doesn’t want to. This is how they still go to one another to woo each other, but never get married.

Andrey, this is what I mean... Both of you and the girl behave inconsistently and “don’t let each other go.” I think it is quite possible to renew your relationship if one of you shows more patience and endurance. Since it was you who turned to a psychologist with this question, perhaps you need to do this. Write a letter to your girlfriend telling her honestly about your feelings for her and your desire to continue the relationship. Invite her in the letter not to recall mutual grievances, tell her that you are ready to listen to her complaints and promise that you will try to work on them in the future. In general, choose the right tone and words yourself, most importantly, do it sincerely and without resentment in your soul. See what she says. If she still has feelings for you, I believe that she will meet you. On the other hand, if she continues to behave inconsistently, and will either push you away or bring you closer, think about it - do you need this girl? Is she not “deluding” you into emotions, in other words, is she engaging in psychological vampirism?

Andrey, I wish you all the best! Be happy!

5 Rating 5.00 (4 Votes)

Hello! A week ago, my husband said that he had no feelings for me, that he didn’t love me, that he wasn’t attracted to me, and that he was confused, and that we were breaking up. It was a big blow for me. He said he would pick up his things in 3 days because it was convenient for him. I told him to leave right away. I packed his things and he left. A week has passed and no news from him. I don't do anything either. Did I do the right thing when I told him to leave immediately that same day? This question really bothers me. Maybe I did the wrong thing at that moment, I’m very worried. Is it still possible to save the family and how to behave correctly?

Answer from theSolution psychologist:

Adequate people break up mainly due to huge differences in personal development.

The question of maintaining a relationship is possible only if the lagging partner desires this relationship, and also works intensively on himself to correct his personal shortcomings and shortcomings of emotional contact. Relationships in a couple, all other things being equal, are possible when both men and women are approximately the same. And, most importantly, this is possible if both partners maintain approximately the same rate of self-improvement.

True love is integral to self-improvement

Metaphorically speaking, the flight of both birds should be in the same direction, at approximately the same speed and not at some distance from each other. This is the principle of a shared path, psychological autonomy and independence from each other, and the principle of the same speed of development and learning. In this option, the relationship will be interesting to both partners, exciting, useful, since it will perform the main function of love - to learn and change the properties of one’s soul.

When you want to get to know yourself and engage in intensive self-improvement, a person appears in your life who feels love for you, and you feel love for him. When one of you has stopped in your development and does not want to improve further, an inevitable separation awaits you. You need to take this calmly, because if you know how to love yourself and love others, an object for your feelings will easily be found. The main thing is that you want to know yourself deeply by exploring your reactions in intense close contact with another.

Nothing promotes true self-improvement like emotional intimacy with another human being. In close contact, all sides of character are revealed, all sides of the soul are obvious, both beautiful and not so beautiful. By taking spiritual lessons, we take our level of understanding to a higher level, and it is not easy, but it is incredibly exciting. It is this experience that allows us to enjoy the feeling of life in the full sense of the word, the feeling of the present, the feeling that life is lived with the right goal - self-improvement of the properties of our soul.

Let go of those who leave you

If your spouse left you, it only means that he does not want or cannot follow the same path with you. You did the right thing by letting him go, since you respected the principle of his free will. Perhaps he will learn his lessons with other people, each with their own speed of development (as well as degradation).

You were upset that you did not wait three days, and you sent him out with his things immediately, on the same day. Of course, you were motivated by anger and made an emotional decision. Deliberate decisions are made slowly, when the influence of emotions has decreased. You were right in that you did not try to persuade your husband to return, despite the fact that it was difficult for you.

The principle of free will cannot be violated, because otherwise we show disrespect for the personality of another person.

Your mistake was that you were angry at your spouse's departure and decided to pack his things immediately. It would be possible to give things back in three days. You would not feel a sense of triumph because you could also hurt him, but you would retain your self-respect.

Analyze the mistakes of ended relationships

You may have experienced great pain from his decision, but believe me, it is better to accept everything as it is. You have a chance to create a new relationship with a person who is better suited for you. Use it after you undergo psychotherapy and analyze the mistakes of your marriage. If your spouse wants to return, he will contact you himself and tell you clearly what kind of relationship he wants. You can always build a new relationship from scratch if you both decide to do so. Do not hold a man against his will; after all, marriage is a decision of two hearts, not just yours. Respect your ex-spouse and don't bother him. All the best!

Where are a man's feelings hidden?

I often hear the following question from clients: “he says he loves me, but this is very rare. But otherwise, I don’t feel anything - no manifestations, never pays a compliment, despises tenderness, believes that he is already overly sentimental with me.

I feel very cold next to him. And I cannot achieve any manifestations of feelings. In response to my requests, there was only one answer: “I am like this, and nothing can be done about it.”

How to recognize a man's real feelings? Is it possible to get a man to express feelings, or are there those who are not given this? And what is behind this inability to show feelings?

Navigation through the article “Where are a man’s feelings hidden?”

Are there naturally insensitive men?

Those who are “not given this” - no, you should know about this, and not allow yourself to be misled by such illusions.

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About the author:

There is such a prayer: “Lord, give me the strength to change what I can change, humility to accept what I cannot change, and wisdom to distinguish one from another.” This is exactly what you do when working together with a psychologist: looking for resources where change is possible, acceptance and humility where they are not yet possible, and self-awareness to distinguish one from the other. The psychologist acts as a mirror in this work, helping you understand yourself. And the one who can give you strength and everything else is inside you.

84 comments

Good afternoon It depends on how you look at his health. After the accident, an iron plate was sewn into his leg, which, of course, needs to be removed, but it takes money and time and the postoperative period, he is not ready for this, especially since it does not seem to bother him. He even began to wonder whether it would be necessary to remove it at all, but for this he wants to get a consultation with a good doctor, and puts everything off. And so, he leads a normal life, walks without a cane, does not limp, although his arm, after the accident, also does not fully straighten, but this cannot be corrected and does not bother him either.

Time to rest, ....... no, we practically don’t go anywhere, neither to visit, nor to the shopping center, he’s mostly at work, and now he’s also started going away overnight to another city, these are business trips, and he’s leaving in the morning to work, in the afternoon he calls that he has gone, then in the evening that he has done everything and is staying there overnight, and in the morning he goes back to work in the office (and not home!), and calls from the office, home only in the evening, as usual with work, i.e. he has been gone for more than a day. And the next day back to work. This is what I tried to discuss in the last conversation, because... my patience has come to an end, and we’ve actually agreed to where I started the story.

There is no one to leave the children with, my mother sometimes helps out, but she works and I myself don’t like how she copes with it, she spoils the children a lot, does not follow certain rules of our family, and on the contrary, she can question our rules. For example, he doesn’t approve of all the sections for his eldest son (gymnastics, development school, swimming pool), he doesn’t openly declare it anymore, but he constantly turns the child against, I feel it. She doesn’t go anywhere herself and believes that she should only stay at home; she doesn’t even like to walk with her children. We have no one else to turn to except her, firstly, there is no such person to whom we would entrust our children, it’s scary to search through advertisements, but of course it’s possible, but somehow all attempts are interrupted, the question of finances immediately arises, the mother sits for free - This is probably the main thing for now.

We had a joint hobby - alpine skiing, many years ago, and then he began to engage in other sports, I could not keep up with him, he always does everything easily, but I take a long time to learn. So recently he returned from Egypt, went kite riding with a group, I thought he would take a rest - a new, fresh person would arrive, but he, on the contrary, arrived aloof.

He finds reasons for all my proposals for a family vacation, even last summer we went to a pond where he skated, and I ran along the shore collecting the children so that they wouldn’t get into the water, it was forbidden to swim there. In general, I endured it, thinking that it was okay with my family. And then I began to refuse to travel; it was easier for me to walk in the yard with the children. He even sent me to Egypt before his trip with the words “people should take a break from each other.” I went, had a good rest, the first time I went completely alone, only upon arrival I began to understand, when he began to talk about his trip, why he sent me - to lull your feelings of guilt. Because he already went there for a ride several years ago, when we only had a little son, about a year old, and I stayed with him alone. And then she didn’t let go, if you can call it that, we already had 2 children. And when I expressed to him my vision of the situation, he was offended and said that he was sincerely happy for me that I would go on vacation.