Married for eight years. My husband is eleven years older, very caring and reliable, we have a good relationship. But for four years now I have been in a relationship with a young man younger than me. Now he wants me to leave my husband and start a family with him. I just can’t choose: I love both, but in different ways. My husband is more like a father to me. And I feel a strong attraction to another man. We have many common interests, but with him there is no confidence in the future. Help me decide.

Vera, 29 years old

Vera, you’ve been leading a double life for four years now, does your husband still not notice anything? You partly answered your own question: it all depends on what you expect from life. If you want imaginary stability, choose a husband. Imaginary, since such a union may unexpectedly fall apart. One day, one of you - perhaps this time the husband - will get tired of the lack of feelings, the parent-child relationship, or simply decide that he is more comfortable alone.

It is hardly possible to predict how the relationship with your lover will develop if you choose him. Now there seems to be more honesty and openness between you than in your relationship with your husband.

Eight years of marriage is a lot. I think a consultation with a family psychologist would be useful. Do you think your husband will be surprised if you tell him that there are problems in the family? Consider what you would do if another man did not propose marriage to you. Would you dare to decide to leave your husband?

The situation is not easy. There are three people in this relationship, and one of you will definitely get hurt, no matter what decision you make.

Ask a question to an expert online

Earning male attention is easy and difficult at the same time. Usually it happens like this: it’s easy - when you don’t really need this young man, and it’s just a matter of “sports interest”, then you don’t have to put in practically any effort: he himself goes crazy and persistently tries to gain favor. And it’s difficult when you yourself dote on a person dear to your heart, but he doesn’t pay absolutely any attention to you. This is the law of meanness. This is the paradox of our time: if you love, they don’t love you, if you don’t love, they adore you. This is exactly how married women behave. At first, they do not pay attention to their husband, over the long years of marriage with whom they have managed to get used to it and immerse themselves in the gray everyday life of household chores, and then they begin to tear and rush, trying to curb the feeling of possessiveness and somehow regain the husband’s favor when his husband appears in the battle arena. young lover. In such cases, on whose side do the young man’s internal scales tip if there are two women of his choice on both sides? Who do men prefer: wives or mistresses?

The importance of a wife in a man's life

When a man takes a woman as his wife, he makes a conscious choice. He really thinks that this connection will last for many years of life together, and he really believes in a happy future for their young couple. But it very often happens that in one’s declining years or even after a short period of time has passed after the wedding day, a direct threat becomes a direct threat to an already established family and an established marriage - a young mistress. From this moment the “adventures” begin. The most interesting thing is that from this moment the man does not peer deep into the soul and intentions of his new passion, but begins to critically examine his wife from all possible angles, finding fault with her characteristics, starting with her scandalousness and ending with harmless habits. During this period, a man thinks about the importance of his wife in his life: does he need her at all? After all, now a new stage has begun in his life, he is open to new sensations, new events that he wants and is ready to meet with a new hobby, a new love.

Going on vacation with your lover, not hiding from anyone, feeling free with a new hobby - all this is what an inspired man really wants at first. He basks in a new passion, plunging into it almost headlong. But somewhere there, in the distant recesses of his subconscious, a man begins to look for the answer to the question “Do I love my wife or not?” On some unshakable level, with a sixth sense or a special instinct, he feels a slight anxiety that his wife will disappear somewhere, she will not be around, and will never prepare a cup of hot coffee for him in the morning, will never iron his shirt before work, He will never quarrel with her again because of another financial disagreement... This moment holds back the newly-made “Casanova”, and he faces a difficult choice: after all, a wife or a mistress?

The importance of a mistress in a man's life

Speaking about lovebirds, it can be noted that men look at them somewhat differently than at their wives. When starting a relationship with another woman, a young man begins to falsely think that before this he did not live at all, did not love, and was not happy. And only now, being imprisoned in the “shackles” of marriage, he met the one whom he had been waiting for, it would seem, all his life. Mistresses in a man's life are like a lifeline. In the routine of everyday life and gray everyday life, women, for one night or for a long period, diversify the “boring” life of young people. They attach special importance to their outside connections. And the moment of rapprochement with another woman plunges them not only into the abyss of passions and new pleasant emotional shocks, but also into confusion about what to do now, because their legal wife is waiting at home...

What a man does not accept in a woman

When a man analyzes the question of who is better - his wife or his mistress, he immediately begins his comparative process by exposing the bad habits of his young ladies. Unfortunately, it is often the wife who is criticized. And all because he managed to get to know his wife quite well over the years of marriage, and his mistress looks “white and fluffy” in the light of her newly acquaintance with her married gentleman. What do men hate so much about their women?

• Grumpiness is one of the first factors that does not play into the hands of the spouse.
• Routineness in sexual life - often this is the moment that makes a man go “to the left”.
• Boring - against the backdrop of the appearance of such a sweet and interesting interlocutor in the person of a new passion, the wife becomes faded and dull in the eyes of the man.

What factors does a man’s choice depend on?

In addition to the negative nuances, a young man who is confused and doubtful about his choice also evaluates the positive aspects of spending time together with each of the women. In his difficult question - who to choose: a wife or a mistress, he relies on several specific comparison criteria. What are these criteria?

• Sex. For men, there is nothing more important than physical contact with their beloved. This, so to speak, is the starting point in his relationships with the ladies.
• Feelings. In addition to carnal pleasures, young people often want to have emotions with their lady, so they also rely on their feelings in relation to both contenders for their beloved.
• Weasel. The woman who shows not grumpiness, but caring, not a mania for scandals, but a tendency to participate, occupies a leading position in a man’s evaluation row.
• Cosiness. Every man wants to feel “at home” next to his woman. And it doesn’t matter where their unity takes place - at a metro station or in a restaurant, the main thing is that he feels comfortable next to her.
• Understanding. Men are like big children, they want to be listened to, pitied, and agreed with their opinion. Therefore, mutual understanding with a woman and her ability to indulge him plays a fairly important role in his list of aspects of his assessment of women.

Consideration of each specific criterion in more detail allows representatives of the stronger half of humanity to make a more informed choice on the question of who is better: a wife or a mistress.

Sexual life criterion

A mega-important factor for a young man in a relationship with a woman is his sex life. In fact, men, even if they leave their wives for other young ladies, do so initially solely because of their sexual attraction to a new contender. Such cases of male adultery are especially frequent in cases where the wife is older. In addition to the fact that the years go by and the wife does not get any younger, men get tired of, as they put it, “the same borscht” for a long time. I also want to “sip some soup.” Therefore, when choosing between a wife and a mistress precisely on the basis of sexual attractiveness, men give preference to young professional women, not even realizing that a woman, like a flower, blooms in the hands of an experienced gardener. A wife, if she wishes, can become a magician in bed matters; you just need to know how to treat her correctly and behave accordingly.

Criterion of care and attention

Men are often deceived in their understanding of their mistress. Here he lies next to his new chosen one and thinks: “It seems that I love my wife. But the mistress is so sweet, kind, caring, attentive...” Men should long ago understand one thing: a mistress is a second wife. It’s only at first, during the candy-bouquet period, that she behaves like an affectionate cat with her “tiger cub.” She is simply waiting for him to visit, and they have a pleasant time together, without scandals about finances, without “snotty” children, without eternal complaints. This world is illusory. And, importantly, it is temporary. As soon as a young man dares to leave the family and make his mistress his wife, she becomes even more of a “dragon,” often worse than the previous grumpy “abandoned woman.” Therefore, before making a choice, a man should think a thousand times whether the game is worth the candle.

Participation criteria

The same goes for female behavior. If a man does not understand who he loves more - his wife or his mistress, he often begins to analyze the attitude of both women towards him. Here is the legal spouse: she is often unhappy that he forgets to take out the trash in the morning, or constantly complains that he does not let her watch her favorite TV series on Saturday night because of the football review, and similar things. And there is a charming woman, young, beautiful, she is so caring, so sympathetic to his failures, so supportive of him with kind words... Probably, it’s worth choosing her. The answer is obviously incorrect. This is the same situation that was described above: only the initial stage of the relationship is formed in a similar way. Cunning young ladies will go to great lengths to get their way and take their beloved man away from the family. And then they show their true selves. Therefore, you should not rush to the sympathy of your mistress, because often this is simply self-deception.

Comfort criterion

But if all the previous moments are viewed by the young man through the prism of “rose-colored glasses” with the image of a beauty on the side highlighted, then in terms of family comfort all the advantages are exclusively on the side of the wife. The wife is the woman who washes, irons, feeds, gives water to her husband; she is the keeper of the hearth. And, no matter what, no matter what family troubles befall a married couple, it is always more pleasant for a man to return home, where it is clean, warm and simply good.

Criterion of mutual understanding

When looking for an answer to the question of who is more important - a wife or a mistress, one should also take into account the fact that the years spent with his wife give her the opportunity to learn absolutely everything about her husband, to look into the darkest recesses of his soul. The wife, like no one else, understands and accepts her legal spouse, putting up with all his oddities. Another thing is a mistress. After all, she sees only the shell, what a man wants to show her in order to please her. She does not fully understand what difficulties, troubles, and perhaps even disappointment await her with him. She did not have time to recognize his nature, unlike his wife, who studied him like he was peeling. Therefore, the wife is a man’s priority in this matter: she is wise, she is understanding, she is more picky about the habits of her lover, especially if the wife is older than the young coquette on the side.

Trust criterion

The same goes for trust: it is much easier to trust a wife, because she knows stories from the past, from childhood, from difficult times that a man had to go through. While he cannot fully open up to his new passion, for fear of frightening her or disappointing her with the baggage of events, not always positive, that he has behind him.

Comfort criterion

A man who is faced with a choice between two women is often lost, anxious, and frustrated. The complexity of the task assigned to him depresses him, and he rushes between his wife and his mistress. The psychologist’s advice in this case is aimed at the man’s analysis of his sense of self when he is with each of them: the young man must understand with whom he is more comfortable to be around, in whom he feels more significant. Experts recommend the following technique: to realize who he feels better with, a man needs to imagine a situation in which one of the women disappears from his life forever. The one who is dearer to him and whom he is most afraid of losing is the only right choice.

Criterion of feelings

And finally, love. A man must sort out his feelings. And here one should not confuse fleeting love with a long-term established feeling of affection, deep respect, and sincere empathy. Fortunately, many young people, at the end of their own self-analysis, understand that an old faithful friend is better than two new ones. Therefore, more often they still choose wives.

Hello! Help me please. Married for 9 years, they have a daughter together. A year ago, my husband went home on business and stayed there for a month. Met a girl he liked in his youth. Whether he cheated on me or not, I don’t know. But then he went to work in another region, he was there alone. Financial problems began, I began to put pressure on him to return home. Got ready. And then he ended up in his homeland, began to live with that girl. At that time she was married, but left her husband. My husband kept telling me that he was still at work and couldn’t leave. Then he disappeared for a week. I started looking for him and felt something was wrong. I wrote to her because... Have we met. She replied that my husband is with her now, they have been living together for a long time. Then I found out that a long time ago - this is 2 weeks. She handed her husband the phone, and in a drunken voice he said that he loved her now, but he stopped loving me. A few days later, the drunken man's brother took him away from her. A week later, my husband called, asked for forgiveness, wanted to return, and said that he couldn’t live without us. I forgave. He returned and got a job as a driver. They began to live together. He often has to leave for work, so he is only home 1-2 times a week. I tried to improve the relationship, and so did he, but only for a while. After some time, I began to notice that he was corresponding with her again. He said it was like being with a friend. I saw that this was not so, I created scandals. He left, but returned the same day. We made peace. He promised to finish everything there. He called me from work 2 times and said that he was done with the relationship on the side, I saw that he was feeling better. Then everything repeated itself. This story lasted about six months. In May we went on vacation. To different places. He’s going to his homeland, I’m not far from those places. The entire vacation rushed from me to her, and managed to quarrel again. He showed me the correspondence where he openly sent it. And a few days later I went to see her again. He returned home earlier; I had to be delayed due to the child’s illness. It turned out that he brought her with him. I rented an apartment. We had a big fight. We didn’t communicate for several days, then he called himself and said that he had brought her to work in a city nearby, that he lived alone, he wanted to figure out why this whole situation happened, so he would live alone. When my daughter and I returned, he began to come to visit. Again he said that he loves us, cannot live without us, etc. My relatives told me that she is still here, she has not gone anywhere, although he claims that he lives alone, she is not here and he does not even know where she is. He says, and says it himself, that he will soon return to his family. I asked him to choose several times, let him go, asked him not to lie, but he insists on his own and is offended. I do not know what to do. He doesn't want to get a divorce.

Tatyana, Russia, 32 years old

Family psychologist's answer:

Hello Tatiana!

When you expect someone else to decide how your life will continue, then you are not in control of your own life. That is why the wait for such a decision can last so painfully long. I can only recommend that you take responsibility for your future and decide for yourself what you want. If you want to get a divorce, your husband's consent is not required to file for divorce. This will be determined by the court, since you have a child together. If you want to continue sharing your husband with another woman, make this decision and talk it over with your husband. Clarify all the details of such a complex life. Distribute how you and he will raise a child in such a situation. If you want to try again to give your husband a chance to decide on his choice, discuss exactly what period of time you are giving him, under what conditions and what will happen if these conditions are not met. Stick to your agreements exactly, because it is so important for you to return stability to your life. Good luck to you and making the right decision!

Best regards, Elena Rakitova

- this is shock and humiliation, the first thing that happens in the head of a stunned woman is scrolling through various options on how to win her husband away from her mistress. Sometimes the longing for your ex-spouse gets stuck.

Before achieving a global goal, it is advisable to calm down, drink a glass of water (tea?) and understand yourself. How to remove a competitor is not a difficult question; it has to do with family relationships in general.

You can seduce a man who has a wife.
You can seduce a man who has a mistress.
But you cannot seduce a man who has a beloved woman.
Omar Khayyam

They leave not to whom, but from whom. All cases are individual, but there are natural situations of “boring” family life:

• A man was married to himself (due to pregnancy; taken away from; when there is no love, but simply “two loneliness met”). So why be sad! You need to be honest with yourself: it’s time to let go of your ex-spouse.
• His mistress took him away using “black magic.” Science is skeptical about this manifestation, but does not exclude the negative influence of hypnosis and suggestion. The church will help you deal with this better. It doesn’t hurt to order services for your health.
• The wife turned into a “mother hen”, became a caring “mother” in a warm robe, cooking amazing soups. She thinks about the satiety and cleanliness of her husband, but forgets about intimate needs. And male nature requires physical temptations and affection!
• When omissions and claims accumulated over the years, the woman ceased to be a Muse.

Before you take your husband away from your mistress, it’s enough to think: will the love of a devoted wife be enough? Will she disdain to go to bed with her “recaptured” husband? Perhaps he truly fell in love with a woman and should be let go?

When this frank self-interrogation is over, and the decision to beat off your husband is finally made, it’s time to take care of yourself and make your reflection in the mirror happy and beautiful! Has the king left? Long live the Queen!

“Captain, captain, pull yourself up!”
Before the operation “How to get your husband back from your mistress,” it would be nice to take care of your health and appearance. You need to think about how to get rid of excess weight with the help of regular exercises, shapewear and separate meals. Correctly selected clothes can hide up to 5 – 10 kg!

“Love me, love me!”
Entertainment and interesting activities will help you get rid of a bad mood. You can sign up for a swimming pool, go to karaoke, or learn the basics of oriental dances. Depending on the circumstances, light flirting with attractive male representatives is not prohibited.

“Dress is a woman’s second nature.”
It wouldn't hurt to reconsider your wardrobe either, but how can you delete a few years from your passport? Choose a stylish hairstyle!

Now there is no doubt whether it is possible to remove the husband from a hated rival. Even necessary! It's time! When the homewrecker is to blame How to return the most dear of men from the “networks” of his mistress, advises the advice of experienced psychologists and family consultants. This applies to ex-partners in the same way.

3 main directions in the art of “how to remove a competitor”:

They advise you to just wait as if nothing happened. Men understand that they are on their honeymoon with their new lover, and they hardly want to shoulder the burden of her problems.

A fling for a few weeks doesn't mean anything. A relationship on the side for more than 3 months is already a serious habit; it’s time to act, and not think about how to discourage your husband from a new hobby.

There are lifelong ladies' men. When marrying such a man, a woman has no illusions about his monogamy. Such men are wolves in sheep's clothing. You can only feel sorry for the naive “homewrecker” girl.

Another type of action that dictates how to remove the third wheel is to become better, more precisely, yourself (after all, his wife once drove him crazy)!

The advice of the men themselves and the unspoken “mistress code” will help with this issue.

Why not use its principles:

“Sex is the head of everything.” They leave a family for another not for delicious pastries, but to plunge into the ocean of intimate desires. Who, if not the spouse, knows what his beloved loves in bed, what has turned him on for years? A wife needs to forget about embarrassment and awkwardness, and make her man truly happy, without remorse.

"Gold fish". It is foolish to believe that a spouse only holds intimacy with another. His mistress silently listens to how he dreams of jumping with a parachute or is afraid of the dentist. And she never asks for anything.

"Play with me!". It’s better to visit a sex toy store with your loved one or arrange a home striptease. Even such a detail as forgetting to wear underwear under a dress will always turn a man on.

A man needs to be able to listen and not openly bombard him with everyday requests. Before asking to pick up your baby from kindergarten, you can kiss your spouse and look tenderly into their eyes, and not command or order them.

The behavior of the most confused person will tell you how to get everything back. He loves homemade cutlets, doesn't he? Have you ever wanted to go to a concert or on a hike? An understanding, like-minded wife is the best gift for him.

In addition, you can start from the Buddhist formula, when they advise you to eat, love and be sure to pray. You need to provide this to your partner - cook delicious food, love him, sometimes make him jealous and trust him. This is an effective technique for weaning your legitimate other half from wrong relationships.

A brilliant idea from a sociology teacher’s blog:
- If your husband left for another, then her husband left for a third, etc.
Wait, someone's husband will come to you soon.
They must go somewhere!

Keep it close to you If you didn’t need a partner for family life, you just wanted to regain faith in yourself and it worked out perfectly, it’s worth discussing everything with him honestly. It depends on his views on the future and the motives of his wife herself whether they will follow the same path or whether everyone will continue to receive freedom - from obligations, pretense, unnecessary affection. Such a cheater will leave on his own or do everything in the name of sincere forgiveness.

And if you really need a partner, and this has only become clear now, you need to rebuild your married life.

To keep your loved one near you, you can do things that are not without psychological tricks:

Use perfume that he associates with happy periods of life together.

Prepare breakfast in bed.

Sometimes you dress up nicely and run away with friends (of both sexes) to a cafe. Friends are not always suitable for the role of a comforter or “home psychologist,” but it’s easy to share the fun!

Before you throw away everything old and unnecessary from your life, you can look through photos together and remember the good moments.

Book a night at the hotel or visit the restaurant where He proposed.

Go on a long journey together. Yes, not the cheapest remedy. However, such an event will help replenish the collection of a new happy page in the family album.

Before and after intimacy, you can stroke your husband’s back, stretch his feet, and at the end, kiss him, for example, on the neck. By repeating this ritual, reflexes are strengthened. They are also developed for love.

Bottom line Every wife in such a situation intuitively feels what can be done and whether it is worth eliminating her rival. But truly Great can be called such a wife who was able to rekindle the fire of feelings, sincerely forgive and forget what is usually not allowed to get away with.

This is probably why the woman is called the Keeper of the Family Hearth. For the sake of such love and such a wife, a husband will do anything!

There may come a point in many couples' relationships when they are tempted to find something else. Most often, it is men who begin to be tempted to have a mistress. Every marriage, no matter how strong and lasting it may be, has its ups and downs. Life changes, circumstances change. So is it really worth being tempted by cheating on your closest and dearest person? We will tell you a story to remind you that there is no compelling reason to cheat on your partner.

Wife and mistress - which one to choose?

A man who was happily married was tempted and began to build a relationship with another woman. He felt good with his mistress, but he couldn’t leave his wife either. Then he decided to ask a wise man for advice. Who should he be with - his wife or his mistress? The sage handed him two pots and said: in one of them there is a rose, and in the other there is a cactus. Which plant will you choose? This question did not cause any difficulty for the man, and he immediately chose a rose. After all, it is obvious that a rose is a more beautiful flower. The sage just shook his head and replied that he deserved neither one nor the other.

Cactus or rose?

In fact, the rose and the cactus were fictitious. There were no plants in the pots. Very often, in pursuit of bright and new relationships, many men forget about their faithful and devoted wife in order to have a mistress. The cactus will always remain this way, but the capricious rose needs to be carefully looked after, creating special conditions for it. Some men, chasing beauty, choose what is brighter. They completely forget that their mistresses can also find someone more interesting and richer. But if you take care of a cactus, it can also bloom. Just like the woman you live with. From tender and affectionate treatment she will only become more beautiful and desirable. Think about it, is it worth changing something in your life? After all, your wife loves you for who you are. Knowing your shortcomings, she still stays by your side. She is interested in your joys and victories, she will support you in difficult times. While the mistress is not at all interested in this. And the sage also said that a man does not deserve a single flower! After all, a diamond is waiting for him at home, but for some reason he started searching for and collecting stones.

Finally

It is very easy to destroy relationships, but getting them back is not at all easy, and sometimes even impossible. Think about this before you pursue a vibrant relationship. After all, you risk failure in both cases!