I recently found out that my husband has a mistress. One day I called the number that my husband showed up every hour. Number one, but my husband says it’s one or another acquaintance. This made me think that something was wrong. It turned out to be a woman's voice. She didn’t talk to me and hung up. I tried to talk to my husband, but he denied. He says that it was his friends who called, that he has no one. But I see that he is lying, making excuses, and not admitting it. Then I sent an SMS to clarify the situation. She answered me. After which everything in their relationship became clear to me. Only my husband doesn’t want to admit this to me. He's so drawn to her. I can feel it. After the SMS, this girl stopped calling him, and my husband is not himself. I see how he suffers without her, hides his feelings, but doesn’t let me leave either. We have a child (1.8 years old). We have only been married for 2 years. I love my husband very much, I don’t want to give in to this girl and let her destroy our family. Tell me what to do?

Aelita, Moscow, 27 years old / 07/06/06

Our experts' opinions

• Alyona

  It is difficult to advise anything in such a situation. If everything is exactly as you described, then your husband is probably really in love with this woman. Another question is that he is also a coward, since he does not want to admit this to you, and even broke off relations with her when you found out about it. Reaction like an ostrich. Head in the sand. It’s like nothing happened, and you dreamed everything. You know, I remembered the movie - “Caution, the doors are closing.” There was such a character. He depended on his women. He lived with one, and could not leave her out of a false sense of “moral responsibility,” but in fact because of the convenience of living with her. And I met the second one, but could not decide to leave her, just as I could not leave the first one for her. So he rushed between two fires until the first one found out the truth and kicked him out the door. And, naturally, he immediately went to the second one. Morality? There are some men who cannot decide anything on their own. They wait for their women to do it for them. Representatives of the “stronger sex” are childish and personally unattractive to me. Do you need one? Consider that you almost won it back. If his mistress does not take the initiative again, then your husband is unlikely to return to her. But if she becomes persistent, then things will be bad. What to do in this situation? Firstly, organize a family trip somewhere, for example, abroad. Relax there together. Take a lot of happy photos. Return home with fresh feelings. Immediately print photos. Using his mobile phone number, find out the address of his lady love and send her these photos of a happy family. I wish her the same family happiness, but not built on the ruins of yours.

• Sergey

  Well, what can you tell me? I can only sympathize. If a man, after two years of marriage, having a small child, is already suffering in another way, nothing good will happen. The thought that he might go crazy is only good for complacency. He won't get mad. It's strange, really, that you married someone like that. After all, these guys are immediately visible. And the girls who communicate with them know and understand everything perfectly. So if anyone is to blame, then you too. Judging by the fact that he doesn’t want to admit and doesn’t want to leave, we can assume that he is either morally or financially dependent on you. By “moral” I mean the attitude of relatives, acquaintances, friends. Not everyone is able to positively evaluate leaving a wife with a small child. Most likely, he is afraid of this, which once again speaks of cowardice. I am a man myself and I communicate with men. So, I know such personnel and I can say that they are not loved or appreciated, in general, anywhere. I feel sorry for you in this situation, but I won’t predict anything good for your relationship. If you stay together, then be prepared for his constant betrayals and life on several fronts. He just can't do it any other way. If you really love, accept him as he is. It is quite possible, and even certain, that he will not leave you for anyone, but how many side wives and children there will be is an unanswered question. Until you do the math. As for the fact that you don’t want to give in to the girl, that’s no use. He'll break off with this one and find another one. Sorry.

It is worth considering all the options as to why people think that a drunk person should be trusted or, conversely, cannot be trusted.

Some women are sure that all the words spoken by a man under the influence of alcohol may well be true. But to find out for sure, it is advisable to ask the person soberly, perhaps using leading rather than direct questions. Very often a sober person refuses what he might have said under the influence of alcohol.

Some unpleasant facts about drunken delirium

If you doubt the sincerity of the words spoken by a drunk man, try paying attention to the degree of intoxication of the person.

Very often, people around them note for themselves some facts from what a drunk person said; they may be interested in some information, which they will later try to verify.

A person who is intoxicated should remember that no matter how familiar the company is, he still needs to adhere to certain boundaries of behavior, to know when to stop when uttering certain phrases and confessions.

Some people are sure that you should listen to drunken conversations only if this person, in a sober state, is very withdrawn, silent, like a fish, and strives to remain silent in any situation. Any person who simply says a lot of unnecessary things can say sober things.

If a drunk person starts talking too much, he should stop drinking alcohol altogether, because the information said may well turn against the person himself.

Mad love and resentment

You should not trust a drunk person when it comes to feelings for another person. In such a situation, a feeling of extraterrestrial love very often appears, which will also inspire and intoxicate him. You should also not take seriously all the drunken grievances of a person.

Sometimes you can come across such a rather unpleasant habit in a person as the desire to call absolutely everyone you know, especially your former lovers, and start declaring your love again.

Another not very explainable fact is the phenomenon of constant complaints about life and constant crying on the part of the drunk. You shouldn't believe this.

Of course, everyone can have their own opinion about whether or not to believe a drunk man, but one thing is certain - you should not trust everything you hear from a person in such a state.

There is an opinion that a drunk man calls the girl who is not indifferent to him and is dear to him, so many of those who are pestered by tipsy guys with “drunk” calls want to know what makes them do it and how to react to it. If a man calls drunk, then what this means from a psychological point of view is in this article.

Why does a man only call when he's drunk?

If a sober man does not have such a desire and in general, a woman practically does not see him and does not meet him in the usual state, but only hears a voice in the “drunk shop”, then this is a reason to think. Most likely, a man does not appreciate or respect her if he can afford to wake her up with a night call and force himself to listen. makes a person liberated and courageous, removes all inhibitions and most often the next day the man feels awkward and regrets what he did. For those who are interested in why a man only calls when he’s drunk, the answer can be that the reasons for this may be different: he feels lonely, wants to talk it out and hopes that at the other end of the phone they will take pity on him and listen to him.

Sometimes he wants to find out something, but in any case, he is sure that at the other end of the line they will pick up the phone, because they also want to talk about painful things, put an end to the relationship, or have long been waiting for a declaration of love from their partner. Yes, under the influence of alcohol, a man is ready to scream left and right about his own, but whether to believe his words is up to the woman to decide. If this becomes one of the compelling arguments, then one can only feel sorry for her, because a truly loving partner not only calls drunk, but also comes sober, and also does in ordinary life everything that a lover should do - takes care of, cares for, spends time with his beloved and makes plans for the future. If a man calls drunk, gets bored with conversations about nothing and disappears until the next drinking session, then you can safely cross him out of your life and have nothing to hope for.

Noticing changes in their husband's behavior, many women suspect the presence of a mistress. Groundless doubts about your spouse’s fidelity will not only deprive you of peace of mind, but will also create additional tension in the relationship. It also happens that all the secrets have long been revealed, and not only you, but also those around you know about the existing love triangle. In this article we will talk about explicit and indirect, as well as what line of behavior is best to follow in such a situation.

Maybe you're wrong

Such phenomena as lipstick on the collar of a shirt and the smell of other women's perfume from a husband are most often found in TV series with a simple plot. Of course, this happens in real life, and this already confirms not only the fact of betrayal, but also the complete lack of respect for you on the part of your spouse. Most married men hide their relationship on the side until the last moment, but if this connection is not fleeting, an attentive wife will definitely notice that something has gone wrong. On the other hand, changes in behavior do not always indicate the appearance of a mistress.

If you constantly accuse a person of something he did not do, sooner or later he will get tired of it. Jealous wives, without knowing it, push their husbands into the arms of their mistress, and meanwhile men think like this: it’s not so offensive to endure nagging if it’s on point...

Unreasonable reasons for doubt:

• The husband is looking for reasons for absence. If this is the case, then think about your attitude towards him. A man disappears with friends, or on the Internet, if communication with his wife bothers him. The reason may be not only a new novel, but also a lack of mutual understanding, common interests and topics for conversation. In the end, each of us needs personal space and a break from the whole world. Few people are satisfied with a secluded lifestyle - they also have friends, hobbies, and just a desire to be alone with their thoughts;
• Loss of sexual interest. Lack of sexual desire is an alarming sign, but this does not guarantee that the husband will have a mistress. If he has lost interest in you, this does not mean that he has someone on his side. There are age-related changes in the body, fatigue from work, or simply an unsuccessful period in life when you don’t want anything at all;
• Indifference. Not all men like to talk about their failures, but it is quite difficult to hide their presence. If a person is depressed and does not talk, this does not mean that the reason lies in the appearance of a mistress. There are some topics that he doesn't want to discuss with you, and you can hardly blame him for that. Let's say you have high demands, and your husband has financial difficulties. He already has a hard time - so he hides his problems from you so as not to listen to reproaches once again. A man with a strong character will not tell his wife about the nagging from his superiors, because she sees in him support and support, and he does not want to disappoint her. If your husband is depressed about something, it is better to let him know in time that he is dear to you simply because he exists. Perhaps after this he will want to be frank with you. Unconditional love works wonders, and even the strongest men need understanding;
• Flirting on social networks and watching erotic films. You won't believe it, but this sign is rather favorable. Your husband simply relaxes in this way - he is inclined to communicate, but does not move on to active actions, so there is nothing to be afraid of. Anyone can be hiding behind the avatar of a pretty girl, even an old woman or a homosexual, and he, one might say, is communicating blindly. The best thing you can do is to pay attention to his erotic fantasies before he finds a willing woman. Family and everyday life are of course a lot, but sexual dissatisfaction can lead your loved one to betrayal. Unfortunately, a strong relationship can begin with non-binding sex, so draw your own conclusions.

Real reasons for concern

• Strange phone calls. My husband’s phone rings periodically, but he behaves awkwardly during the conversation, or even worse, he goes into another room with the phone, for a smoke break, etc. At the same time, the caller in his phone book is signed with a man’s name, that is, he does not arouse external suspicion ;
• Groundless jealousy on his part. In psychology there is such a thing as projection of feelings. The one who cheats himself usually does not have the best opinion of his woman. He looks for reasons for suspicion even where there is none and cannot be. It has already been proven that people who do not have the strictest rules are very prone to, because they judge others mainly by themselves;
• Unexpected attention. Experienced psychologists claim that a cheating wife becomes more irritable because she decides to have a relationship with her lover most often when family life has long exhausted itself. For the same reason, the initiators of divorce in most cases are women. Things are different with men - most of them, having started relationships on the side, do not plan to divorce their wives. Have you heard the expression: “The thief’s cap is on fire”? The one who lies tries with all his might to convince his wife of the opposite, and therefore surrounds her with attention and becomes softer. Feeling guilty (if there is a conscience, of course), a person ignores nit-picking over trifles, makes excuses where there is no need for it, and tries to emphasize the strength of his feelings with various external manifestations. As a rule, a husband who constantly repeats how much he loves his wife is trying to convince either everyone around her or himself of this.

These signs apply to people who are prone to cheating, but they do not clarify the situation completely. The overall impression is made up of little things, and if the wife feels that something bad is happening, but does not see specific facts confirming the betrayal, you will not envy her.

How to find out the truth

You can arrange total surveillance of your husband, hack the password on his account, look for signs of betrayal in his pockets, phone, etc., but if he is interested in hiding his relationship with his mistress, all your actions will not bring results. It would be much wiser to get him to have an open conversation and find out what exactly he is missing in your marriage. You need to act gently and without reproach. If he feels like he’s being interrogated, he will involuntarily begin to defend himself so as not to provoke a scandal. Most men cannot stand women's hysterics, because talking about emotions is completely devoid of adequacy. Only you can know how to persuade your spouse to be frank, since all people have their own weak points, and most likely you have known each other for several years.

If your husband has a mistress

A husband who does not hide the presence of a mistress clearly does not value his marriage. If your beloved man does not worry about the love triangle, it means that he is not able to understand what he really wants, and therefore shifts responsibility onto the shoulders of the women who care about him. It may also be that he does not go to his mistress and does not leave his wife just because he doesn’t care at all who he ends up with. This does not change the essence - the husband and mistress are behaving arrogantly, and you need to do something about it.

What can you do

First of all, assess the situation. You're not in a tug-of-war contest, so brute force won't solve anything. Showdowns with your rival can only humiliate you even more, and if you overdo it, it is likely that your husband and mistress will unite against you. There is no man who would not want to dominate in a relationship with a woman, so the one who is more tender and weaker will make him want to protect her. If the forces are equal, then the situation will suit him exactly as much as it suits you.

Options:

• Give an ultimatum. This is done out of a desire to clarify the situation in a moment of despair, but the problem is that even if your husband chooses you, doubts about his fidelity will forever settle in your thoughts. You will constantly wonder if he continues to secretly meet with his mistress, and even if she moves permanently to another country, this will not insure you from the appearance of a new rival. The statistics are disappointing: having wiped the nose of their rival, most women soon decide to divorce their husband, whom they can no longer trust;
• Give him the right to choose. Quite a humiliating position. You agree to forgive him anything, as long as he doesn’t leave you. If you are ready to take such a step, you need to work on it, because it is hardly possible to respect a woman who does not respect herself;
• Make it clear that you are fine without him. A strong act that not everyone is capable of. Falsehood will not help here - you need to maintain your dignity, and not panic and look for a suitable candidate for a casual romance, in order to provoke jealousy. If your husband has lost interest in you, it is unlikely that you will be able to arouse his interest in this way, and if not, then you will ruin your reputation and miss the last chance for a truce.

Is it worth forgiving betrayal?

First, decide whether you can do it with your soul. Your husband and mistress have pretty much frayed your nerves, and your life will never be the same. If you are strong in spirit, or marriage with this particular man is beneficial to you for some reason, you will be able to survive the betrayal, and at the same time get to know your own spouse better. This also has its obvious advantages: firstly, now you clearly know that from now on you can rely only on yourself, and secondly, if your husband’s mistress is left out of work, then for you this becomes a kind of sign of quality.

There is also a completely non-standard approach to the situation - the husband and mistress decide to get married, but the wife is in no hurry to break off relations with her ex-husband. Dating her ex, already as a mistress, is not as humiliating for her as being the wife of a man who cheats on her. As a rule, such relationships are not capable of long-term existence, but they can at least be due to the fact that the former rival is in the wife’s place and feels everything that she experienced.

You like this person just like that, you chose him, you feel good with him, you have the most pleasant feelings for him - why doubt, expect something bad, create a problem for yourself? We, women, know how to do this, we live by sensory, we are guided by it in our choices, it determines the motivation of our behavior, all problems are always only in our heads - we create them ourselves, check them, feel them, and then heroically overcome them, spending a lot of energy. Spend yours on creating a common prosperous and peaceful existence with a man. Yes, he has his own principles in expressing emotions, his own character, this is largely due to his upbringing, the environment in which he grew up, and family relationships. Men generally see and feel this world, relationships, people differently. Their emphasis in life is shifted to how to earn money, make a career, provide for them, they live by logic and cannot often experience, much less express, their emotions (alcohol helps remove internal barriers), but this does not automatically mean that your partner does not love you. , is not attached to you. Why did such thoughts arise in the first place and what do you want to learn from the experts? No one will give you any 100% guarantees for a happy future together with any person, so why not be with someone who has already become close to you and has shown themselves to be good? There is such a thing as living here and now. This is the main thing that happens to us: consider that today (every day) is the best day of your life, put all your energy into it, to create this particular day, believe me, then it will be like that, every day. Why live in anxious anticipation, also setting yourself up for the bad? Remember this expression - whether a person is happy or not depends on what he himself thinks about it? You don’t know what will happen tomorrow, but now you already have a relationship and a loved one. Take care of the good things that exist between you, appreciate and develop them. Enjoy these relationships, build them according to your ideas of happiness, only calmly, gently, accepting the person with all the advantages and disadvantages, without trying to change him. Just be there, add everything that is missing yourself - emotions, joyful events, small holidays, delight, traditions, words, drive and positivity. This is exactly what will be the unifying thing your couple needs. We ourselves organize our little world, attracting events and people into it with our own thoughts, words, actions and even appearance. Think only about good things, do what pleases both of you, then everything will be fine. Communicate softly, easily and openly. You provided very little information to advise anything more specific. If you want something with all your heart, strive for it, act and everything will work out. Don’t be afraid of anything, don’t be guided by social stereotypes, you don’t owe anyone anything, you don’t have to, much less explain anything, make excuses, or live by general standards. Your life is yours alone. I see no reason for you to expect an unhappy future, do not program it in a negative light, on the contrary, create it, happy, in the present. A relationship with a loved one is an island of comfort, warmth, tenderness, security - strive for this, make your relationships the way you want them to be, constantly express your feelings with words, touches, actions, pleasant little things, and over time perhaps the man will become a little more open emotionally. Everything will work out for you, everything is in your hands. Contact us for a detailed consultation if you want to understand yourself and the situation - I will be happy to help. Good luck to you, mutual understanding and love. I will be grateful for your assessment of the answer.

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