The apartment is jointly acquired. Now it’s no longer a one-room apartment, but a three-room apartment. Why did the question arise? Their son married a Muscovite in the summer, they have their own one-room apartment (by the way, it’s bigger than our old one, where the three of them didn’t hesitate to come, plus me, my husband and a child = 6 people, and it was normal for them to sleep for a week on the floor, only I spent the whole night with the child jumped through them to the kitchen (to feed, calm down). In general, they are traders and regularly come to Moscow for goods, they have 3 children, the eldest son lives in the Moscow region 100 km away, their daughter-in-law is great, “oh, how glad I am to see you, throws they have two young children and a household and a room alone or with one of the children - at least I’ll have a rest” (but this is not my children’s grandparents to throw on their own), the daughter still lives with them in the village in her homeland , but my daughter also has an apartment in the near Moscow region, but she rents it out. So in September they complained to my mother-in-law that they wanted to stay with their newly married son, but they were told that it was impossible (I don’t know what they put forward as the reason), they asked to The wife’s parents, they also said it was impossible, they were shaking for their son and his marriage and would not say a word against it. My husband’s father died not so long ago, and his uncle regularly comes to us, and my husband reproaches me that this is relatives, in general, he loves him and cannot refuse him, I myself was brought up in such a way that I cannot refuse people, especially Suitable to be my parents, I can’t run away to my mother, because... Mom died 3 years ago, and dad, thank God, began to come out of his terrible depression a little; another woman now lives with him. Their last visit, I said hello, smiled, showed my husband where the food was, and left to get ready for lessons. I changed jobs this year and for the first time in my life I need to get ready for lessons, and in the morning, fresh and smiling, go and teach. So their last visit looked like this: in the evening the doorbell rang, hello, we’ll spend the night with you, from my husband’s slight and carefully hidden shock, I realized that he wasn’t lying when he went to open the door, he really wasn’t expecting anyone. I smiled, said a few words, showed my husband where the food was, then the laundry, and hid in the older child’s room, supposedly checking on homework, the younger one hung out with them in the kitchen, and my husband then had to drag everything from the office to the bedroom and finish the work there. I just probably for the first time in these 11 years wanted to speak out, and not take it out on my husband and children. 5 years ago, because of the wild impudence of his uncle, we quarreled with my husband, my husband hit me, just hit me in the face for the first time, but as a result of the blow, my jaw was broken, he didn’t do it on purpose, he even cried himself from fright at what he had done, I after a month in a jaw tied with iron, there are gigantic problems with teeth and there is no money for treatment. Apart from their monthly visits, we don’t have any special problems in the family, well, there’s no money, we’re all on credit, even though we both work. Our own health is already bad, and we can’t really help our remaining parents. I don’t want to rudely kick them out, and I can’t say no and my husband can’t explain to them. Sorry, I’d rather if no one answers me, I feel like I’ve at least shared it with someone. I want to show this post to my husband. Let him read it, maybe he will understand that this is not just a whim, but they got me.

Good night, I can’t stand it anymore, I decided to ask for help here... In short, my husband’s relatives are already sick of me. I just want to leave everything and go somewhere far away... and now, in order... Almost 2 years ago I moved in with my husband (at that time future), his mother really insisted that we live together, so that he would not travel back and forth from his city to me. And so it happened that we started living in one of his parents’ apartments (by the way, they live in the apartment opposite). At first, everything seemed to be calm, I maintained relations with his relatives (parents, uncle, aunt, brother, cousins), but on New Year’s Eve one incident occurred. His parents wanted us to celebrate New Year's Eve together at their place. I was against it, because... I wanted to be alone with my beloved man. Gritting my teeth, I had to follow the lead and spend the entire holiday with his parents. Then a fun life began... There is no specific moment, but his mother began to look askance at me and spoke unpleasantly. In the end, when we were visiting them, his mother, having drunk a little, offended me so much that I freaked out, got up and left. My beloved supported and intervened, but the resentment remained inside me for a long time. Next, we decided to legalize the relationship and started talking about the wedding. Everything was calm on the part of my parents. “Tell me how much money you need, we’ll give it, help you organize it, etc.” On the part of his parents, it went and went, “Why do you need a wedding, it’s too early. We won’t give you money. You need to get married when both are confidently standing on their feet.” (by the way, we both worked, yes, it wasn’t always enough, but we learned to manage money wisely) As a result, my parents came to sort things out with his parents. We decided to postpone the wedding a few months. After these few months, the situation repeated itself. My parents said, “It’s up to you, either follow the lead, or get married/sign and don’t pay attention.” We rescheduled it again. Then there was a difficult period, I left work and sat at home for some time. To which his mother said that there would be no wedding until I find a job. And so, 1.5 years after I moved, we finally got married... But it turns out that it didn’t end there. I thought that at least after the wedding they would leave us alone and let us live our lives, but that was not the case... His dad takes the position that we should be a big and friendly family. His mother mentioned that there can be many wives, but only one mother and family. If there is some kind of holiday, then we must go and be there, otherwise they will be offended at us. If his brother and his girlfriend want to spend time with us, then please drop everything and go for a walk/talk with them. But I’m not interested... When we’re with his relatives, I withdraw into myself, I feel like a stranger. For me, “sit and drink beer” is not normal, not interesting. Accordingly, I am always against this. They are offended that I am “unsociable,” but I can’t tell them to their faces that they are not on my level, not the contingent with whom I am pleasant and interested? I understand that relatives and parents are not chosen, but why should I live their life? I married one husband, but it turns out that I married all his relatives... We talked with my husband, I made it clear (repeatedly) that the family is WE, and everyone else should step aside at least a little. I don’t demand complete alienation... I just don’t have enough personal time and space. I just got hysterical, I miss my husband. I want to spend time with him alone, but he is constantly being pulled somewhere. What should I do? I’m already tired of all this, I just can’t breathe... Sometimes I don’t even open the door because I’m disgusted with this “camp”.

You say to be kinder, etc., that I am an ungrateful daughter-in-law... Why should I be grateful? The fact that every time we are reproached for living in an apartment belonging to his father, but against the fact that our beloved son moved to my city (fortunately, there is a regional center and living space), or rented an apartment (there was a conversation, they see were offended).
You wrote “to be independent”, but in what ways are we not independent? We paid for the wedding ourselves, we live on our own money, we don’t sit on anyone’s neck.
Is OUR family's personal life too much?
In my opinion, either I did not fully illuminate the whole problem, or you misunderstood me.
His mother demands a lot of attention from herself, her brother and others. Either go fix the socket, then help one or the other, or just come in and chat because... I'm bored...
In my opinion, it is not normal for a mother-in-law to constantly interfere with the life of a young family. And she doesn’t want to understand that she needs to step aside.

And I’ll also add… regarding the “contingent”:
The husband is different from them. He doesn’t drink, he’s not a fan of speaking out “strongly” and “laughing” at stupid jokes. In my family (where I was born) and in the present one (with my husband), it is not customary to yell at each other, “curse”, etc.

Good morning.
Lydia, 1) I am a rather gentle person by nature, I cannot be rude, very often I cannot say “no”. For those around me, be it at work, at a party, etc., I prefer restraint, perhaps even trying to please in some way.
But when what accumulates in the soul has already reached a certain limit, then either one simply gives up, or quarrels begin about or without reason with the husband (I know that this is wrong, but I begin to find fault with little things, my negativity looks for a way out and finds only in close person)
You see, the mother-in-law sometimes says nasty things, then makes excuses later, saying, “I love you all.” But I can’t accumulate emotions in myself forever... I don’t know where to put them, I can’t and don’t want to quarrel with her openly. She explained to her husband that perhaps this is how jealousy manifests itself. She asked him to answer calls at least once in a while, or to go see her. It’s impossible, after all, every day wants attention, every day takes up quite a lot of time, despite the fact that we may have some plans of our own... I probably can’t describe everything that happened... there’s just a lot of it in our life. And now, I’m about to leave work, I understand that questions will begin: “Why doesn’t she go to work, why can’t you hear the door opening and closing (and I’m not slandering this, these are the exact expressions that were repeatedly expressed to my husband in my absence) “I’m tired of her, of the constant control of our lives, of the fact that my husband is torn between us (he also can’t run back and forth all the time). I tried to delve into myself and look for the reason for such dislike for her... maybe I’m just bored for my own parents and, not being able to see them often, this is how I react to my mother-in-law and her excessive care.
And the last straw was this... We were getting ready to go on vacation, hadn’t yet decided where to go, and my mother-in-law replied, “We’ll all go together”... well, I don’t want to do that... I, too, as a child, went somewhere with my parents every summer, but that was in childhood .
2) Work gets in the way. It’s easier for me to find there, I have friends and a specialty in the arts. And he has a working specialty. My dad offered to help with work, but my husband doesn’t want to (in his family, dad claims that a man should achieve everything in life himself, without the help of anyone).
Plus, the husband wants to feel like the owner of the house, but he is not comfortable “on my territory” (here there is 1 room and we are alone, and there there are 4 people, but with my grandmother). My parents offered to move in with them, but this is not an option, because... My brother and his wife live with them.
Those. Of course, it would be more pleasant for me to live in my own city, but I also need to take into account my husband’s opinion, I don’t want to put him in a situation like I have now.
And lastly...his mom will be offended. When they wanted to rent, there was a quarrel, the answer was that there was somewhere to live, etc. As a result, they remained (and even made repairs)

3) No, not always. When I get emotional, at first I don’t perceive anyone, after I’ve cooled down a little, I think about everything that was said and draw my own conclusions. My opinion does not remain categorical, it naturally changes, but after some time.

Goal: hear options for solutions to my situation. Of course, if I fundamentally disagree with an expert, I will write, but no “cons” or other stupid actions. Everyone has their own opinion.
How can I painlessly “tear” my husband away from my mother (or my mother from her husband)? Something else scares me... she has an older son (27 years old), so she takes care of him just as obsessively... I'm afraid that this could continue until he's 40, or even longer.
How can I make it clear that a husband and wife are a family, their own little world... (her words that there can be many wives, but only one mother (family) really hurt her)
You see, I don’t want to swear, I don’t want to make a scandal... Of course, it’s easier for me to remain silent and convey it through my husband, because... he still knows mom better.
But I also think it’s wrong to let parents into some personal space (questions like: when will there be children, why not yet (down to how they should be done, on what days, etc.... sorry for such details). Why my husband it’s so late, no, where did he go, when will he return. how with work, where do you spend money and all kinds of advice “how best to do it”)

Egorova Lyudmila Zakharovna, I did not show any negativity towards his family. Yes, it was unpleasant to celebrate the holiday not the way I wanted, not with those with whom it was planned, but I still know how to behave anywhere.
A lot of things affected me that day. From obsessive attempts to pour me alcohol (which I don’t like and don’t drink), and when I refused, they looked at me as strange... to drunken conversations about how I was too stubborn, capricious, too demanding of her son, and much more.
She was brought to tears, then for some time they did not communicate at all, her husband also did not come to her. Incl. Because of “gritting my teeth” there could not have been such a further reaction, I think.
Regarding quarrels:
I don’t put my husband in such an aggressive mood. I can talk, explain, convey what I would like. I don’t forbid communicating with any of his relatives, but I ask you to limit this communication.
He doesn’t mind, but he’s under pressure from his parents. He rushes from me to my mother, so as not to offend any of us. But this is wrong, it seems to me. In the first place should be his own family, wife, future children, but it turns out that he is neither there nor there.
As for being categorical, I draw conclusions after talking with people.
In the family where I grew up, upbringing, education, intelligence, etc. these are undeniable values. In his family, the main thing is work. Hence the categoricalness... The parents did not give 1 of their 2 sons an education, the father let them go on “independent sailing” and does not participate in their lives, all this is compensated by the mother’s care (I repeat, excessive).
So it turns out that having created a family, we also have to educate our husband, because... He does not intend to work in a mine all his life.
Yes, we have different upbringings, different views on it, but I don’t treat them as “second-class”. I make it clear that I am not interested in sitting and drinking beer, rubbing bones with my neighbors. I’m interested in my man, we have something to talk about in private, but this time is sorely lacking.
I want personal time and space for our family. Yes, I don’t mind going and congratulating my relatives on the holidays, but we can also have our own plans for this or that day, or am I wrong in wanting to isolate my family from others to some extent?

LYUDMILA (27 years old) SAYS:“My husband and I have been together for 5 years, our daughter is 3 years old. And everything would be great with us if it weren’t for my husband’s relatives, who always need something from him. We fight about this all the time. It seems that their interests are more important to him than my daughter and me.

Some of his distant relatives constantly live in our apartment; he helps relatives with renovations, meets them at the station, and takes them to their dacha. His mother, for example, can no doubt call him late at night and ask him to come - just to replace a burnt out light bulb. In general, she often behaves as if she wants to prove to me that she was and remains the main woman for her beloved son, and I am an empty place. And to all my grievances, my husband replies: “I am my mother’s only son, I am responsible for her and my relatives, they rely on me, I must help them.”

Indeed, spouses can have only one child, but at the same time be part of a larger or, as psychologists say, “extended” family. Such a family consists of several generations: old grandparents, parents-in-law and parents-in-law, sisters-in-law and brothers-in-law, uncles and aunts, nephews and nieces. When there are many adults in a family, they have to negotiate with each other more often, and it’s more difficult to do it! As famed marriage and family therapist Carl Whitaker said, “Marriage is not an event between two people, but a contract between two families.” Each family strives to reproduce itself, imposing its values ​​and standards on the newlyweds. It is no secret that the desire of relatives to force spouses to live by their own rules often leads to quarrels and conflicts. The cause of conflicts is often not so much the interference of relatives in the life of a young family or unsolicited advice, but rather the reluctance of spouses to grow up and take responsibility for their marriage. Often it is the husbands who suffer from this, who cannot break the symbiotic relationship with their mother, and justify their absolute obedience with “filial duty.”

Do you want your husband to take care of you first? Negotiate! Listen to his arguments, offer him yours: tell him that now he is responsible for your family, that your children should see an example of caring for the family. Marriage is a transition from a generation of children to a generation of adults. Thus, from the very beginning of their life together, the couple will have to solve the most difficult task of transformation - how to become husband and wife from son and daughter. For this process to be successful, you must always put the interests of your couple first. Together with your husband, discuss family boundaries and decide which relatives to “include” in your family, and with whom it is better to keep a distance. After all, the whole large family simply won’t fit into your inner circle! We will also have to develop a system of joint priorities. And a big mistake would be the argument “this is how it was done in our family,” imposing on your partner your own ideas about the “correct” family life.

Uninvited guests

MARIA (29 years old) IS INDIGENT:“Why do our parents think that they are allowed to come whenever they want without calling? My mother, for example, can come to us whenever she pleases, without warning. She is interested in literally everything: what is in the refrigerator, how we spend our time, where we spend our money. And when I ask her to call before coming, she gets angry. The mother-in-law also likes to show up unexpectedly and is also interested in everything. It seems that she comes only with the goal of exposing my shortcomings: I am a spender, I don’t take good care of my husband, and I’m a useless housewife. And somehow she very rarely invites us to visit her.”

The English writer Richard Aldington once remarked: “Relatives are a terrible people. They bring nothing good into our lives and believe that this gives them the right to interfere in our affairs forever.” Indeed, the care of some parents, especially mothers, sometimes borders on terror. They stubbornly do not want to recognize the boundaries of the new family, they literally invade the personal territory of their adult children, and begin to manage there as they do at home.

The reason for this behavior lies in the reluctance of parents to accept the growing up of their child, in the lack of understanding that their son or daughter has their own separate life, their own family, their own desires, their own plans. They cannot accept the fact that their children no longer need parental care and mother's guidance.

Aging parents often substitute care for their children for their inability to make their own lives interesting and rich. “When children grow up, parents also have to get used to the new situation,” explains family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova. “They may not be ready to separate because they are afraid of the emptiness that forms in life.”

Try to be understanding of your parents' need to feel needed. But you cannot tolerate unceremonious interference in your life. The couple must decide together who can come to their house and when. Here it is important to show character: clearly and politely define the boundaries of your personal space, establish the correct psychological distance. And in order to satisfy the parents’ need for communication, you can arrange meetings in advance, call each other daily - call and tell them about your news, of course, you should. Think about how to make the life of elderly parents more eventful: help them master the Internet, find new interests in life, keep them up to date with cultural news, or, say, go in for fitness together, or go on city excursions.

What is control under the guise of help?

Control under the guise of help

IRINA (43 years old) COMPLAINS:“My mother-in-law sold her three-room apartment and bought a one-room apartment. And I gave the rest of the money to our 20-year-old son to buy a car. Although she knows very well that we live in a one-room apartment and suffer because of the overcrowding. Of course, it's her money and she has the right to give it to whoever she wants. But it’s a shame that my grandmother explained her action by saying that she doesn’t believe in our decency and is convinced that my husband and I “wouldn’t give anything to the poor boy.” As a result, my husband is very offended by his mother and has not communicated with her for six months.”

ALENA (27 years old) CONFESSES:“My husband reproaches me that my parents don’t want to help us the way his mom and dad do. And I believe that help is voluntary. My husband’s parents are not only well-off, but they really believe that they should help us - after all, we are one family! My loved ones are sure that we need to solve our financial problems on our own, and are ready to help with advice. And their position is much closer to me. If only because my relatives do not interfere in our lives, and my husband’s mother, at every opportunity, remembers how much she and her father-in-law did for us, and sometimes reproaches us for ingratitude.”

It is no secret that parents often help young spouses with solving financial and housing problems. It’s great if they do it from the bottom of their hearts - in return they don’t assign the right to interfere in your affairs, don’t demand an account, and don’t dictate their own rules. Unfortunately, much more often relatives use financial assistance as a method of manipulation and a tool of pressure on a young family: “I’m helping you, but in return you must do as I say.” It turns out that, under the guise of caring for well-being, parents are trying to maintain total control over the couple and assert their importance. And it happens that under the guise of generosity they demonstrate distrust and a desire to humiliate.

Psychologists are convinced that in such situations it is pointless to sort things out with the parents of the spouse. The main thing is the couple’s ability to come to an agreement among themselves. And if you really need parental help, then you need to discuss together the terms on which you are ready to accept it - maybe you will borrow money, clearly stipulating the terms of return, or, say, the apartment provided to you by your parents will be registered in their name .

Try to appreciate the fact that you are being helped, but not feel dependent. It is best to find a tactful and convenient way to thank your parents without allowing them to be too intrusive and interfere with your family affairs. With all the respect and love for your loved ones, it is better that some distance be maintained between you - this is the key to a good relationship.

How to live in peace with relatives

"Poor relatives

YULIA (34 years old) SHARES:“It so happens that my husband and I live much better financially than all our relatives. We don’t have any extra income, we just both work in management positions and get good money. Our relatives are also not in poverty, but for some reason they really like to “become poor” and ask (or even demand) to help them with money or services, they believe that “you are rich, it costs you nothing, but we have problems.” They are not at all interested in our problems. Don’t think, I’m not greedy, I don’t mind helping, but their attitude, as if we owe everyone, bothers me.”

Of course, no one argues that close relatives are obliged to help each other. There really are situations when you simply need to help out a loved one who is in trouble. But it is important that this does not turn into a system and that relatives do not begin to abuse your kindness and complaisance. You can help regularly and in amounts that are feasible for you, but you are not at all obligated to solve all their problems and satisfy any requests, just as you are not obligated to support younger brothers and sisters who have already become adults, and to pay off other people’s loans to the detriment of your family. Your loved ones are adults and are responsible for themselves.

You need to remember: if your relatives are only interested in your financial capabilities, but they are absolutely indifferent to your problems, needs and desires, this is manipulation. In such cases, you should not be afraid to refuse an overly annoying request, even if you are afraid that refusal will ruin your relationship with them.

Live in peace with relatives

ELENA (39 years old) LAUGHS:“I love my husband’s relatives. True, it was not immediately possible to find a common language with them. At first it seemed to me that they did not accept me, condemned me, considered me a stranger. It was very disappointing: my husband is friends with my parents, but I am not with his. And then I suddenly realized: it was his parents who raised him to be such a wonderful person. And one day, during a family holiday, she stood up and thanked them in front of everyone for raising a wonderful son. After that, it became much easier for us to communicate.”

In life we ​​have to communicate with different people, and this is not always our choice. For example, we do not choose our parents or in-laws. And finding mutual understanding with them can sometimes be very difficult. There are no ready-made recipes here. But if we want peace in the family, we need to learn to accept our relatives as they are. It is important to look for approaches, try to get to know the other person, and demonstrate movement towards them. The more we understand our loved ones, the fewer problems we have.

According to American psychologist Virginia Satir, “the family can be a place where everyone can find love, understanding and support, even if life outside the home is not going very well.” And Russian psychologist Dmitry Leontiev is sure that “today we increasingly need family support. This means that our energy and time are worth investing in it.”

Every woman who enters into a relationship, acquiring a loved one, also gains new relatives. Should you strive to ensure that a man’s relatives become family to you too? The author of the site explores the issue together with the psychologist of the Territory of Training company Alexander Zaitsev and the psychologist of the St. Petersburg Sundeev Center Rodion Chepalov.

Family values

I would like my relationship with my new family to be warm, but ideal relationships are rare, and polite observance of decorum is sometimes more adequate than spiritual closeness. Few people treat their husband's parents as their own, but if the relationship with their own is not very good, then the husband's parents can become even closer. Experts suggest that the need to love new relatives means that you want to replace your father and mother with their figures. But the main thing here is that they do not overshadow their own spouse.

“Traditional families, based on religious or peasant culture, usually have rules of “friendship”, - explains Alexander Zaitsev. - In this case, simple politeness is not enough. If the family is autonomous, then relatives will always be less important than the spouses and children themselves.”

In our culture, in-laws are often a hostile environment. Anecdotes about mother-in-law and son-in-law, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law have been circulating among people for more than a century. When a girl was betrothed by her parents, given not for love or “to a foreign land,” which could then be considered a neighboring village, it was really scary to find herself completely dependent among new people. Moreover, the young often lived close to the elders or under the wing. Times are different, but we have not completely gotten rid of these frightening fairy tales and traditions.

Rodion Chepalov believes that there is no clear answer to the question of whether one should be friends with one’s husband’s relatives: “Politeness will not hurt. If you feel the need for them to become family, you need to realize it. But be prepared to be upset. Everyone understands “close kinship” differently, and conflicts arise between blood relatives if people do not look for common ground.”

These points can be looked for exactly where the concepts of family intersect. If polite communication is enough for you, but you are expected to be open and delve into difficulties, friction is inevitable. You may feel obligated and at the same time angry that you are being picked on. Both are normal feelings in family stories, and it is important, without hurting yourself, to look for a common language.

Let's get acquainted

For many, jitters begin from the first meeting - what if I don’t like you? There is also a fear that the man will not like it. When dating, you want to avoid difficulties, but this does not always guarantee success.

“It’s best to behave naturally, without trying to please, - Alexander Zaitsev is sure. - Talk less, listen more and don’t try to evaluate everything at once. The main fear in such a situation is precisely the fear of becoming an object of evaluation by others.”.

If meeting with relatives is an exam for you, most likely you are trying to fit into some image, but since you do not know what is expected of you, it exists only in the imagination and it is pointless to correct natural behavior.

“You need to behave as is typical, says Rodion Chepalov. - If we are afraid that our relatives will not like us, it means that we are not sure that our marriage is self-sufficient and that it will not be destroyed by a cherry pit, a banana peel, or something else. If your husband has many “bosses” dictating to him how to treat you, the fears are quite understandable.”

It is always unclear how intense communication should be. Take family gatherings, for example. You are supposed to visit them, but what to do if they make you nervous?

“The distance between relatives may increase or decrease, this is normal, says Rodion Chepalov. - We must learn to talk about this calmly. If at a family reception everything happens like in a stupid TV series, and everyone understands it, then why is it needed? Write each other postcards by mail.”

Alexander Zaitsev has a different opinion: “Attending family functions is worth it. This is an opportunity to improve relationships. It's best to take a small step first. If the response is positive, you can move on. If not, calmly take note.”

Male half

If you feel that your “new” relatives are not treating you very warmly, then this really hurts you. This is where the question arises - whether to try to improve the relationship yourself or take a man as an ally and look for a solution together.

“You can try to come to an agreement, find out the reasons, demonstrate movement towards- says Rodion Chepalov. - You need to look for a compromise yourself, but it would be nice if your husband also makes an effort. The interests of his wife and mother must be equal for him, otherwise there will be problems.”

In a difficult situation, the temptation to complain to a man, to “slander” in every possible way is sometimes too great! For some, it turns into a desire to distance themselves from relatives, quarreling their husband with them. Especially if the prerequisites are there, and all that remains is to “ignite”. But is this path productive? There is a risk that your spouse will remember that you contributed to the family discord.

“Complaining and quarreling are not methods, says Rodion Chepalov. - We need to ask for advice and look for a way out together.”“You should not complain, but discuss various situations and their reasons, agrees Alexander Zaitsev. - We must understand that any quarrel, although it unites against the enemy, exhausts. You can live at a distance without quarrels if you build an autonomous type of family.”

In the midst of a conflict, you want to use a forbidden technique in the spirit of “here’s your mother,” especially if you don’t see other methods of self-defense. When you compare your husband with his relatives in the spirit of “you’re as boring as your dad,” the insult turns out to be double, it makes it worse. According to Alexander Zaitsev, you should not say anything that will obviously provoke a conflict.

Take away and divide

According to Rodion Chepalov, often a man does not have a good relationship with his relatives; he is dependent on them or on his wife. Mothers usually don’t like their sons’ wives, since they have to “share” their son, and daughters-in-law feel the same way.

A man’s excessive dependence on his parents can be expressed in excessive frankness in stories, confidence in his parents’ rightness, and preference for their interests. “Of course, this is worth paying attention to,”- says Alexander Zaitsev. - Behind such a situation may lie a cooling in your relationship and attempts at manipulation on the part of relatives.”

He also suggests that the main problem is egocentrism, an unwillingness or inability to understand the interests of others, which are based on jealousy and a sense of ownership.

It happens that a man himself provokes discontent by spending a lot of time with relatives or spending money to the detriment of his family. Perhaps the reason that the husband “hangs out” with his parents is that the marital relationship itself lacks intimacy, and he compensates for this. The advice is well known - to strengthen family relationships.

Who is guilty?

The attitude of relatives often hits a woman’s complexes, and in addition to anger and resentment, it comes to saying “I hate my husband’s relatives”, and a craving for self-flagellation appears.

“It’s not worth looking for blame for the fact that relatives have a negative attitude, - says Alexander Zaitsev - But it is useful to analyze your behavior. You may be provoking the lunges." Rodion Chepalov analyzes common situations: “If the mother-in-law didn’t like the daughter-in-law’s borscht, and the daughter-in-law was offended, then both are wrong, he thinks. - The mother-in-law needs to look for other ways to participate in the life of a young family, and the daughter-in-law needs to be more lenient towards strangers, and therefore towards her own weaknesses.”

To summarize, we can highlight several rules for establishing good relationships. First of all, it is maintaining a reasonable distance coupled with politeness. You shouldn't fawn, but humor and smiles never hurt!

But even with an autonomous type of family, sometimes it is worth showing a benevolent initiative: coming to the rescue or seeking advice. Don't be afraid to speak openly about how you feel, even if it's anger or resentment. Sometimes it seems to us that we will be judged in a place where they might understand and feel sorry for us. And don’t be shy about showing that you really love your husband. This is perhaps the most important thing.

Good afternoon We have been living with my husband for a year and during this time we have experienced a lot of negative moments associated with his relatives. The relationship with my mother-in-law did not work out from the second meeting - we were invited to our wedding anniversary, my mother-in-law drank too much alcohol and started saying unpleasant things about me in front of everyone. Her sister (my husband’s godmother) tried in every possible way to smooth out the situation, made excuses for her sister - well, the person has gone too far. Forgot. My mother-in-law really didn’t like it we are going to get married - She told her son that we still need to live together. My mother-in-law doesn’t work, my son provided her with everything - not only that, but also her mother-in-law’s lover, who also didn’t work, who had accumulated loans and debts - which my husband paid for. Realizing that no one was going to listen to her on this, the mother-in-law announced that she would help in preparing for the wedding. She began to impose her ideas about the location of the celebration - they did not suit us and threw a scandal when my husband and I went and booked a restaurant for the banquet. My mother-in-law showed up to the wedding in no mood, dissatisfied with everyone, didn’t give us a penny, got drunk and in front of the guests began to throw mud at me and my husband through a microphone, saying that she wouldn’t give us a penny, we’d die of hunger, we’d crawl to her and lie around with her in the legs. My husband was ready to fail, asked her to shut up, took away the microphone, but she continued to pour out negativity to my relatives. The husband's godmother sat and was silent, and did not try to calm her sister down. After this, my husband ended his relationship with his mother, she told everyone that it was my fault - I offended her, and she defended herself. By the way, we live separately from everyone else - I have my own living space. My husband's godmother always forced herself to visit us under the pretext that she was bored and had no one to drink with (she doesn't work, she has three adult children). My husband works two jobs and so do I - we don’t have time for guests. Nobody wants to be in our position. One day, my husband’s godmother drank and threw a tantrum that her husband was paying little attention to his sister (20 years old) and godson (15 years old), and began blaming me - I was forcing my husband not to communicate with his relatives. My relatives never gave my husband anything for a single holiday; they didn’t and don’t help us in any way, unlike my relatives - they help us financially and in whatever way they can. Then she sent me a chocolate bar like sorry. I did not maintain any relationship with her. The husband's godmother imposed the opinion that the husband should go and ask his mother for forgiveness (for what???), the husband went to visit his grandmother living with his mother-in-law in the same apartment - the mother-in-law did not notice her husband's presence. He bought her a gift for the New Year - no one even said thank you. I called her to congratulate her on her birthday, but her mother-in-law didn’t answer the phone. On my husband’s birthday, no one called and congratulated him either. Recently my husband's cousin had a birthday and he was invited, but he couldn't come - the car broke down and he urgently had to fix it himself. On this occasion, the godmother threw a scandal, insulted me in writing - that it was my fault, I was turning my husband against his relatives, that he had forgotten his family, started a new one, that there was only one mother and there could be many wives. She wrote that she would never write or call again - it didn’t last long. A couple of days ago, she, drunk, called her husband and in front of me began to express that her husband had become cruel - his family life had ruined him, his mother-in-law was crying because of him and her husband had offended her greatly by getting married - they thought that their boy would always be with them, but then someone appeared then the woman took the boy away, that he loved his mother-in-law more than his mother and godmother, he should be at home with them and a lot of unflattering things about me and my family. My husband always promises that he will talk to his godmother so that she does not interfere in our family, but he cannot do this! Please tell me what we should do??? I don't want to tolerate attacks on my family!

Good afternoon, Yana!

Reading your story, I mentally sympathized, since you found yourself in the role of the “bad” one who “took my son away from the family.” Naturally, you were given such a role simply by the fact that you are now your husband’s wife. And most of the attacks are directed precisely in your direction.

Please tell me what we should do??? I don't want to tolerate attacks on my family!

I understand you and support you in your reluctance to tolerate encroachments! However, the decisive vote here belongs to your husband. These are his relatives, and he has more authority to resolve with them the issue of intrusion into your family.

My husband always promises that he will talk to his godmother so that she does not interfere in our family, but he cannot do this!

Why can't it? What stops him in this case? Does he think that in this way he is making a choice between his family and his parents? Here it would be good to find out what is holding him back and perhaps support him, help him prepare for this difficult conversation.
If everything is left as it is, when you just tolerate it, he may not have enough incentive to have this direct conversation with relatives.

I wish you strength and a speedy resolution to your situation!

Sincerely,
psychologist Irina Shashkova