Hurt. It hurts unbearably. It feels like everything inside is being torn apart by a projectile. I want to climb the wall not only from excruciating heartache, but also from resentment that burns the soul. How so? Why did this happen to you? How dare this man do such a thing? What did I do wrong? How to survive change? So many questions... And so much suffering... Because of her - betrayal.

I will only try to reveal some aspects of treason using real life examples and show what a way out of this situation is possible. But how to deal with a traitor and how to survive the betrayal of a loved one, to live on, a person must decide for himself, based on his desires and character traits. After all, people are different and someone knows how to forgive, but for someone there is always distrust of a particular person. Therefore, it is easier to start something from scratch than to continue writing the story of a life together on “rotten” paper. If your family is in a difficult situation right now, I would recommend that you read article by Anastasia Gai, editor-in-chief of the Sunny Hands website, “The Power of Forgiveness. How to become happy, and how to keep love in the family?

Let's look at the variations of treason, what it can be ...

Now let's get to the topic.

First, what is treason? Betrayal, spit in the soul, broken dreams and loss of trust. For you. For those who have been changed. But for a cheater, she can be just a breeze that makes the relationship more diverse. An element without which the life model does not work. Cheating means absolutely nothing to such people. This is a concrete action on the machine, without emotional costs. Does such a person value existing, sometimes long-term relationships? I know a lot of examples that, yes, he appreciates it. But the question arises, why does he do it then? Changes.

As a rule, these are polygamous people, and they can be both men and women. We will not now focus on the gender aspect. The answer may be cynical: there is a shirt in the wardrobe, a favorite shirt. Which you put on with pleasure, wear it carefully and take care of it. But wearing the same shirt every day, no matter how much you like it, is very difficult. Yes, and then she will get bored quickly. Here a person periodically changes his wardrobe, while not forgetting that his favorite thing hangs in the closet, and he can always put it on. Sounds terrible, but true. This is betrayal without feelings. He did his job, took his soul away, so to speak, and calmed down.

You can't change such a person. Its essence must either be accepted or not accepted, the third is not given. Moreover, if you still chose the first option, it is better not to show that you know about all of his adultery. If you know and endure, then everything suits you. Then there is a risk that a person will become completely insolent and will change, almost openly, and this does not climb into any gates.

I have a friend who is happy in such a marriage, knowing that her husband is cheating. But. She simply does not treat his hobbies as a betrayal. Knowing that her husband is ready for many sacrifices for her and the children, she perceives his “girlfriends” as a means of relieving stress, nothing more.
By the way, this often happens if the husband and wife do not know how to ... relax together. They have nothing to talk about, so everyone strives “to the side”. How to keep love? Know how to relax and be only the two of you" - so called article on the site "Sunshine Hands" . Be sure to read it, and let your husband study.

There is a forced betrayal when a person understands that he doesn’t want to change anything in his life, but it’s unbearable to continue living like this. He is looking for an outlet on the side where he is appreciated, his qualities are extolled, from which wings grow on his back. A very difficult situation when the traitor himself suffers. He is broken, torn into two parts, and he constantly weighs the pros and cons. It seems to be good, easy, joyful with a new passion - I want to live. But the old relationship just can not be crossed out. Too much has been experienced together, they have become too significant, just for some specific reason, they cracked. But instead of trying to seal it up, to make sure that the relationship does not seep further, the person chose an easier way - desertion. And hidden. As a spy, he is now playing a double game. Who is the victim here, and who is the executioner, it is difficult to say for sure, since the one who cheats suffers no less. His conscience is eating him up like a worm inside. Don't let your relationship go like this! You always need to work on them, and after marriage - especially carefully! About this theme on the site "Solar Hands" a very large number of articles, for example, I recommend this one: “Why do some women get lucky with their husbands and others don’t?”

Change unplanned, unexpected and unexpected. So, unfortunately, it happens that once we hastily made the decision to connect our lives with a specific person, thinking that he was exactly what we needed. But time passed and the prince or princess turned out to be in fact not at all fairy-tale characters with positive features. Rose-colored glasses were shattered. But there is already a child, for example, and jointly acquired property.
“Okay,” we think, “we’ll live somehow.” But then we meet another person and understand that this is it! This is the one we really need. It is with him that I want to live the rest of my life. Having changed, as a result we are leaving ... The most justified of all changes ... Read article "How to become happy" on the site "Sunshine Hands" .

And there is the most stupid betrayal. The one that happens for revenge. Firstly, revenge itself is already a destructive action in relation to the person himself. Revenge, you will not win absolutely anything, you will only devastate your gut and consciousness. And how often we are mistaken, thinking that: “Since he (she) does this, I will change, for evil! And it will get easier." It won't. This is an action that pulls a person to the bottom, and sometimes it is very difficult to get to the surface. Change in order to prove something to someone, to annoy, to make a person realize that he is losing you ... Isn't the price of achieving this goal too high? After all, losing your face and morality (for someone an incomprehensible or forgotten word), you do not become nobler or cleaner. Do you want a person to appreciate you, realizing that you can get another (th)? But it often happens that it is precisely to this that one does not want to return. For what? If with such ease a person is able to jump from bed to bed.

And finally, an incomprehensible betrayal. Yes, it is incomprehensible, because the person himself does not understand: what was it, in fact,? Agree, in our time, temptation is found everywhere. Starting from advertising, ending with harassment of the opposite sex in entertainment venues, various sites, and even at work. Both men and women are very active, and the latter can sometimes even give odds to the stronger sex. But it happens that the demon has beguiled, succumbed to persuasion or flirting from a stranger. The next morning I am ashamed, embarrassed, I want to forget everything, like a bad dream. Because a person understands that he has betrayed the one who is waiting for him at home. Nature took over and the mind turned off. The hunter's instinct kicked in. By the way, it will help you to better understand men Rashid Kirranov's advice How to maintain a relationship with a loved one? Or Excessive initiative on the part of a woman only harms relationships ”on the Sunny Hands website .

How to behave in such situations? How to survive the betrayal of a husband or loved one? Everyone has their own scheme, understanding and model. Let me give you a couple of real life examples...

Women, possessing intuition and greater sensitivity than men, can feel the fact of infidelity like no one else. So, my friend Marina understood that something was wrong with her husband lately. Not the look, not the reaction. He seems to be there, but he flies somewhere far away, in fact, he is not there, he is not with Marina. I asked what happened, to which I received a dry answer: "Everything is fine. Don't beat yourself up." Marina did not rummage in her husband's pockets, as well as in his mail. But she intuitively understood that, most likely, Roma had someone on the side. Of course, for any woman it is very painful. It turns out that they preferred another to her, they neglected everything that she did for a man. Stop. What exactly did she do? This is the question Marina asked herself when, pulling herself together, she analyzed the situation. It turned out how many times she preferred to spend time with her friends than with her husband. How many times she ignored his requests, for example, to cook something delicious (it was too lazy) and how many times she treated him more like ... a brother, a friend, but not like a man with whom she once had a wild passion .

After all, there is no smoke without fire, and sometimes a man cheats not because he is a sexual giant, but because it is on the side that he finds what he lacks. So maybe give him what he needs in his own home? Listen to his desires, tastes and preferences? Again, I will return to recommending the second book by R. Kirranov about what needs to be done so as not to provoke a man's betrayal. Or his video course.

For Marina, this situation went only for the good. She forced me to make an audit in my head, to realize that because of her behavior she could lose her own man. It was very difficult not to show the kind that she guesses about the rival, and to be a loving wife. But this is the essence of female wisdom: not to throw a tantrum and bring to light, but to make sure that the man understands that it is better for him with this woman, with whom the bonds of marriage are tied. Not immediately, dosed, Marina tried to change for the better, returning coziness and comfort in relationships. From the behavior and reaction of Roma, she realized that he had made his choice after all. And this choice is in her favor.

Sometimes, experiencing the betrayal of her husband, you have to wait patiently. At the same time, not inactive, but showing and proving that happiness is here with you. It is insanely painful to realize that right now, perhaps, your man is hugging HER, and not you. And wait. When the situation changes and his consciousness clears up. Very hard. It's called a gambit - sacrifice a little to get more ...

And sometimes you have to let go, because it’s necessary ... Because we ourselves came up with our own world, in which everything should be exactly the way we want. They came up with the idea that only this man (woman) will make us happy, and, accordingly, we will make them happy. But life has its own script and a person too. Well, the puzzle of his life together does not fit with you. On the other hand, he agrees. Here you should stop being selfish and think how bad it will be for you without this person. Hold on to him like a straw, and by hook or by crook try to keep him. He is not yours. Let go... According to the law of life, when a person vacates one place, it is filled with something else. Holding on to someone who does not love you, but lives only out of pity, out of duty - is this happiness? Release it yourself and give the opportunity to be happy, then you will feel lightness and liberation from the bonds that bind you. It will hurt. Like the loss of something vital. But life has enough surprises, and not only bad ones. Life knows how to give gifts to those who do not live contrary to nature, trying to achieve prosperity artificially ...

Change may not always be destructive. Sometimes it makes us think again, wake up and draw conclusions. It is not right to feel sorry for yourself or, on the contrary, to drive into a corner, engaging in self-flagellation. We all make mistakes. It may be a mistake to choose the wrong person, perhaps you have chosen a manipulator,. A mistake can be wrong behavior or overconfidence that this person will not go anywhere. Change never just happens. Perhaps this is a sign that shows that something urgently needs to be changed in your life. And, perhaps, first of all, change yourself. Either reconsider your attitude towards a particular person, or give him the opportunity to build a relationship with someone (one) who really suits him. And accordingly, both of you will stop wasting precious time on each other - on two people who cannot form a harmonious union. By the way, pay attention to the article "Different temperaments ... is there a chance?" on the site "Solar Hands" .

Do not think that betrayal is the end ... Perhaps this is just the beginning? The beginning of a new life, no matter how painful it was to accept it initially ...

Sincerely, Mila Alexandrova.

Sexual infidelity of men in marriage is a phenomenon as common as it is traumatic. Numerous and reliable demographic studies of the last quarter of a century show that 74, and according to some data - 75% of husbands - residents of large cities - entered into extramarital sexual relations one or more times. I refer to the data of studies conducted in Russian megacities by both domestic and foreign scientists. In the countries of Western Europe, these figures do not go beyond 50% - our Russian psychological culture, with its lack of religious brakes, the cult of "macho" and the abundance of single women, determines our absolute superiority in this area.
For many years I have been speaking at international conferences with reports and reports on psychotherapeutic assistance to victims of sexual infidelity; and every time colleagues - especially from English-speaking countries - ask me to confirm the statistics of adultery I cite, perceiving these figures with distrust. But what to do - the reliability of these figures has been proven by a variety of scientists ...
When sexual infidelity became not only the subject of interest of writers, comedians, creators of jokes, etc., but also the object of serious scientific research, the emphasis shifted from the superficial psychological aspects of this phenomenon to aspects of deep psychological, psychophysiological and genetic ones. The active interest of psychotherapists and sexologists in the problem of adultery is caused by the role and significance of this phenomenon for mental health: women - after all, victims of infidelity make up 18 - 19% of all those who applied for psychotherapeutic help. Infidelity is the second most important cause of female depression, the third cause of suicides and suicidal attempts. And to create effective methods of psychotherapeutic assistance to victims of infidelity, specialists need a deep knowledge of this phenomenon.
Today we know that a man's sexual behavior is largely controlled by the so-called. The "infidelity gene" - more precisely, the gene that makes us have sexual intercourse with new women. The studies of the last decade, primarily by the group of Robin Baker, no longer leave any doubts about this. Moreover, some very similar gene is supposed in women; it works in a slightly different way - strictly during the period of ovulation, for 8 - 10 days favorable for conception. And today, sexological science has revised the traditional ideas about the marital fidelity of the fair sex: the "ovulation impulse" pushes our girlfriends to short-term (and very bright!) Sexual contacts with unfamiliar partners, as a rule.
We also know that the stronger sex also expresses a desire for self-affirmation through new "conquests", new "victories" over women. Expressed in our masculine character is also sexual curiosity, interest in the structure of the female body, in the sexual behavior of the new woman. In the male community, in the male subculture, the experience of sexual intercourse, the quantity and quality of women that you possess are highly valued. The ideal of the male community is a person who does not run after skirts, but at any opportunity "will not miss his own". Let us add to the above that large (and not very large) cities around the world are overflowing with single - mostly divorced - women who, for the most part, quite agree to intimate relationships with a married man - for lack of free ones. In Moscow, for example, in 1964, according to sociological studies, of 30-year-old single women, only less than 20% were ready to have a relationship with a married man, and in the past, 2003 (only 40 years later), almost 80%. A study of 40-year-old single Muscovites with a higher education (divorced and unmarried), conducted in 1999 by a group of sociologists from the international company Pfizer, showed that almost 75% of them had sexual contacts with married men of various durations - from one-offs to long-term romances.
These different cheaters
Among married men who enter into extramarital intimate relationships, researchers from different countries (Frank Pitman, Margaret LeRoy and others) distinguish - with some degree of conventionality - three main groups. The first group is the most numerous; the husbands of this group have novels with a frequency of once every two to three years, these novels are of average duration - from two to five months. In 90% of cases, these connections are carefully conspired and remain unknown to the wife (and if they become known to her, it is not through his fault). In them, husbands are driven by the desire for self-affirmation, for the recognition of their attractiveness by more and more new women. With partners in the novel, he remains on friendly terms, after the novel, his self-esteem rises significantly and he remains sexually faithful for a long time.
The second group is husbands, in whose life there are short-term, often one-time extra-marital sexual contacts, and not relationships at all, not “outside romances”. Such sexual contacts occur, as a rule, situationally: at parties, on business trips, on vacation. They are even less likely than in the first group to come out into the light of God, except perhaps by accident or as a result of infection by a random partner.
The most malicious
Particular attention of psychotherapists is attracted by the husbands of the third group, who throughout their entire married life, right up to old age, maintain sexual relations with non-marital partners, in fact, without hiding this from their wife, although they do not openly admit this fact. For decades, they have been meeting with a variety of women, their relationships are characterized by the most varied duration: with someone - a year, with someone - two weeks, but in these relationships there are practically no breaks that are so characteristic of ordinary "traitors". Specialists are well aware that after a romantic extra-marital relationship comes a sense of satisfaction, and the so-called "post-love asthenia" - tired of a love feeling (after all, it requires a lot of emotional stress). These two psychological phenomena: self-satisfied self-esteem and post-romantic asthenia make it impossible for most men to continuously indulge in “women on the side”, cause long periods of monogamy in marriage, periods of family unity and unclouded happiness.
Why are the extra-marital relationships of the men of the third group so peculiar, why do they not have “post-love exhaustion”, why do these husbands give their wives no respite, keep them in a state of tension and depression, and do not psychologically return to the family themselves? American researcher Anna Salter undertook a very complex study of extramarital partners of "malicious cheaters" and revealed two striking facts. Firstly, these partners often did not correspond to the social, educational and intellectual level of the "traitors" - in all these parameters they turned out to be significantly lower, while in "ordinary" novels men become attached to women of a similar socio-cultural stratum. Secondly, in these novels there was no enthusiasm, no emotional upsurge; in their absolute majority, these were smooth, ordinary sexual relations. There were no sexual excesses (intense intimate life at the beginning of a relationship), no desire to spend a lot of time with a girlfriend - go with her for the weekend, spend a vacation, or at least a night. Salter studied almost 200 "girlfriends" of these "cheaters" and found in most of them genuine surprise at the behavior of their partners. Unlike the novels of the first group, these often ended up with a mistress, disappointed by an insufficiently emotional attitude towards herself.
Psychotherapists are well aware that the sexual contacts of husbands from the first and second groups in no way imply a negative attitude towards his wife, a desire to somehow hurt or offend her. As Frank Pitman aptly puts it, "in the novels on the side, we men deal with our own problems with the fair sex in general, not with the wife at all." The wives themselves always believe that an extramarital relationship reflects some shortcomings of marriage, which, as the people say, “a husband does not walk away from a good wife”, “husbands do not cheat in a good marriage”. The last statement is one of the most common myths about adultery, and it has nothing to do with the real state of affairs. In high-quality marital unions (where there is emotional closeness, trust, good intimate relationships), the prevalence of sexual infidelity is the same as in bad, conflicting married couples.
The studies that I want to talk about confirmed the hypothesis that “malicious cheaters” maintain sexual relations primarily so that a man can function better in the intimate sphere. In those short intervals between two mistresses that do happen, his sexual activity is practically reduced to zero.
Sexual infidelity is also the best way to keep your wife "at a distance" and in a state of humiliation. Being friendly, caring, affectionate with your wife, but at the same time regularly having sex with another woman once a week, especially without hiding it, is a sophisticated sadism that traumatizes the victim to a degree much greater than episodic “sex on the side”. "Malicious cheaters" over the years of living together have brought this process to the level of perfection: they never directly admit that there is another woman in their life, other sexual relations, but they masterfully convey this fact to their wife. In words, categorically denying sexual infidelity, in other - non-verbal - ways, they clearly "signal" about it.
Many experts, emphasizing their outward decency, call such husbands "hidden sexual aggressors."
Why aren't they copied?
The wives of husbands who systematically cheat on them, who came to see me, ask about the same questions. Here is what my recent client Lisa, a forty-year-old auditor, says: “Yes, I know that men are not saints, that they have some connections “on the side”. I would be willing to tolerate it. But why doesn't my husband try to hide his hobbies from me at all? Why does he show me with all his appearance that I am not alone with him? At first I thought that he was just going to leave me - that's why he does not hide anything. Then I realized: he was not going to go anywhere and to anyone, and she stopped worrying about this. I was waiting for him to outgrow all this, when it was all over. We got married when Volodya was 30 years old, now he is almost fifty, and he is still dating some kind of "girlfriends". Some I have an idea of ​​- and they are not of the highest order. And destroys my life, and does not make his own better.
You ask: why don't I leave him? You know, he's a really good husband - except for constant cheating. Always even, calm, benevolent, for many years of living together, he never raised his voice to me, he never said a rude word. I sometimes flare up, explode - he restrains himself. He tries to earn money for his family - in his youth he worked hard at two jobs. At first, I thought that there was some kind of defect in me as a woman - that's why he has these connections. I even started an affair with a colleague, and he was delighted with me. But I had a strong sense of guilt before Volodya, and I myself stopped this affair. I'm afraid to live alone, I'm afraid to be left without a husband. Here, I wait and endure…”
The lack of disguise is a way to humiliate the wife, make her constantly think about his connection with his mistress. Such a “husband” cannot function sexually with a woman equal to him, for attraction and erection he needs a partner of a lower status - so he easily lowers the status of his wife.
Condition of the victim
Liza's "patience" did not go unnoticed for her: she looks depressed, speaks in a low voice, and on her face is the seal of suffering. As I have already said, depressions in victims of sexual infidelity differ not only in severity, but also in originality. These women constantly imagine scenes of their husband's intimate relationship with his mistress, and in fantasies the mistress looks much more attractive and much more temperamental than she really is. Exhausting, hurting fantasies, combined with depressive melancholy, force a woman who is trying to somehow get rid of them, look for and find various bodily (as we say, somatic) diseases in herself, clearly feel non-existent pains and be treated for these imaginary disorders. : cardiac, gastrointestinal, endocrine. At the height of depression, so-called "body hallucinations" develop - we call them senestopathies: a woman feels pain in the heart or in the duodenal region, she does not doubt the truth of these pains. There is a process that psychotherapists call "somatization of depression". Painful sensations, poor health are expressed so clearly, so vividly that it is absolutely impossible to convince them that the disease is a manifestation of depression - over many years of practice, I came to the conclusion that it was pointless to even try. I see the luminaries of therapy, cardiology or enterology (less experienced in psychotherapy) trying their best to convince these unfortunate women that they do not have any serious illness - but in vain! And finally, there is a specialist who will establish the “imaginary patient” diagnosis and will treat her for years. "Flight into the disease" to some extent relieves the victim of painful fantasies, from jealousy, but does not relieve depression.
In addition, imaginary diseases - in which the woman herself sincerely believes! - are both a way to attract the attention of a husband (sometimes the only way!), And a way to punish him for cheating. Such women do expensive examinations, often go to inpatient departments: it seems to them that their placement in the hospital will force their husband to change his behavior. "Traitors" regularly visit their wife in the hospital, bring them broths, fruits and flowers - and get more freedom to meet with their mistress.
In my practice, I constantly see how wives who decide to leave such a “malicious traitor” forget within a few weeks about the “diseases” that they suffered for ten years, for which they were treated by the best Moscow specialists, for the treatment of which huge sums of money were spent. They forget, as if they had never heard complex diagnoses. And do not return to them for decades!
Where did they come from?
Studies of the parental families of "malicious traitors" were carried out in the eighties and nineties by groups of American specialists led by Janice Spring, Anna Salter and several scientists in Australia. A characteristic feature of their childhood was their upbringing in a complete family with an imperious, energetic mother, as a rule, not too tough, dictating the rules of behavior not only for her son, but also for her husband. In most cases, the future "hidden sexual aggressors" had a so-called. "teenage rebellion" with its inherent conflicts, departures from home, often deviant (deviant) behavior and other properties of a difficult period of hormonal adjustment. (In general, I advise women to be careful with potential husbands who have gone through a turbulent adolescence, especially a long rebellion against their mother. Behind teenage protests are powerful childhood protests, subconscious aggressive attitudes towards mother, and this can turn against you.)
Psychologists have discovered an interesting circumstance: in severe conflicts with their mother, the boys regularly attended school, studied well, and maintained good relations with teachers and classmates. Such behavior among specialists was called "partial rebellion" (i.e. partial rebellion, limited to one area of ​​activity). "Partial rebellion" in general is observed among adolescents quite rarely: if a teenager rebels, then it is against parents, and against teachers, and against the rules at school, and against the rules at home. And their protest behavior continues not for several months, not for a year, but for the whole long teenage five or even six years.
The constant presence of two women in their lives is revealed already in their teenage sexual fantasies, and at the very beginning of their intimate life. The love so characteristic of adolescents, the long-term attachment to the chosen one, is not observed at all in the future "malicious cheaters"; their attitude towards women already in the years of their sexual debut is rational - consumerism, while both rationality and consumerism are well disguised by outward politeness and gentleness.
In general, in the future "hidden aggressors" we observe a strikingly successful beginning of sexual life, which is generally not characteristic of young people. The vast majority of adolescents, despite their physiological hypersexuality, enter into an intimate life not so easily: emotional instability, excitement, love experiences, self-doubt, and lack of experience lead to frequent failures, premature ejaculation, loss of erection and other sexual failures. The so-called older teenagers (16-19 years old) make up about half of the clients of sexologists. "Malicious cheaters" function surprisingly well, without failures and failures; we explain this fact by their low ability to fall in love and love. As I have already said, with all their interest in the fair sex, bright, strong hobbies are not characteristic of them. For them, passion and intimate relationships are not so much a source of sensual pleasure as a way of self-affirmation, dominance over a woman.
What to do?
If, after getting married, a woman is faced with the sexual infidelity of her husband, then first of all, she needs to decide on the goals and nature of this infidelity. It is not easy to talk about these topics with him, but it is absolutely necessary. And there is absolutely no need to pretend that you do not notice his extramarital affairs: in this case, you look unobservant and unintelligent. We, men, cannot respect the one that we managed to deceive. Show that you are a “sighted” being, that you know about the existence of this connection, but do not make a tragedy out of it. For the traitors of the first group - those who change for self-affirmation - an open connection, devoid of a veil of secrecy, very often loses all its attractiveness of a “war behind enemy lines” and quickly stops.
Remember: no matter how unpleasant and traumatic sexual infidelity is, it represents an excellent opportunity for you to show your best side, to demonstrate your best human qualities. (In everyday, everyday life, these qualities, most often, are obscured, fade into the background. We all tend to underestimate a loved one simply because we live in close contact, and everyday interaction covers our dignity). The husband expects that the disclosure of his connection will lead to scandals, tears, reproaches, he expects childish disorderly and senseless behavior. Your restraint, self-control, desire to understand the reasons and nature of his "holiday on the side" will make him appreciate you more highly, as my students say, "respect".
I recommend that my clients - victims of infidelity - be sure to meet the woman with whom her husband is in a sexual relationship. The purpose of such a meeting is not to make a scandal, but to understand what prompts your husband to this relationship. Yes, such contact requires the exertion of all spiritual forces, but it is absolutely necessary to clarify the situation. Based on many years of experience, I can firmly say: in one hundred percent of cases it is beneficial.
Four signs will help you determine which group of "cheaters" your husband belongs to: periodic or malicious. The first of these is the frequency of extramarital affairs. For the vast majority of men, after the affair, a long period of fidelity, deep emotional attachment follows - at least a year, and usually more - without any interest in "outsiders" women. With the “inveterate” everything is different: one connection immediately - or with an interval of several weeks - is followed by another.
The second sign is the nature of the partners. Men of the first group enter into relations with women of their cultural and social level, with women who are quite worthy. "Malignant" traitors associate with a variety of women, often located on the social ladder much lower than themselves. Often such a connection is surprising - the intellectual, cultural, educational difference between him and his partner is very great.
The third sign is the lack of proper conspiracy, the neglect of keeping extra-marital relations in secret. As I said, this is not at all negligent, but a conscious desire to belittle the wife, to lead her into a state of depression, and often - to plunge her into despair.
Fourth - the practical absence of intimate relations with his wife during those periods when he does not have an extra-marital relationship. As a rule, this does not upset wives at all - sex with her husband has long become undesirable for them.
When the question arises: to abandon the second woman and stop injuring the wife, but at the same time lose high sexual activity, or continue to turn the wife into a disabled person, but at the same time enjoy an active sex life - most "principled traitors" choose the second. Psychotherapists have long introduced the concept of “dick dictatorship”: if the method of arousal, attraction, or the mode of satisfying sexual needs conflicts with moral and ethical standards, then a man (most often!) Steps over these standards, and by all means tries to maintain and maintain his own sexual functioning.
If all four signs of a “malicious traitor” are present in your husband, then all attempts to change him, to make him a faithful husband are completely futile and doomed to failure. The only way to survive, to preserve your mental health, is to get away from it as quickly as possible. Yes, your financial situation will suffer, your social status will decrease, it will be difficult for you for some time, but after two or three weeks you will feel relief, stop constantly thinking about your misfortune, become cheerful, cheerfulness will return to you. You can’t live with a “malicious traitor” ...
How many times have I heard from my clients: “I see that a woman who is unfamiliar and not very interesting to me is ready to give herself to me. I know that I don’t need her, that I had hundreds like her, that the 101st will not add anything to this list ... I know that in terms of her human qualities this woman is not suitable for my wife. I know that I should go home, be with my wife and child, that I have been neglecting them in the last days (months, years), that my wife’s patience is running out, that she is in despair, that she is about to explode ... But also I know that in the first two or three intimacy with this new woman I will have a good erection - as in my youth, that sex with her will give me great (albeit very short!) pleasure. And I go to her, or go to a hotel with her, have sex with her and return home at eleven... I can. As long as I have attraction, I will have connections "on the side" ... "
Of course, a person with such a psyche, with such attitudes cannot and should not be a husband. However, being left by his wife, he quickly finds another (we have no shortage of single women!) And just as quickly begins to torment her ...

Alexander Poleev

Learn to distinguish people so that there are no more insults and betrayals. Live every second and not be afraid of the future. Restore trust and be able to build happier relationships. This is possible if you master the knowledge of vectors...

How to let go of the past if it doesn't go away? You run into him on the street, at work, in your sleep and you can't think of anything else. Everything around is poisoned by his betrayal. A dull, aching splinter in the heart does not allow you to breathe deeply, trust life and move forward.

Yuri Burlan's "Systemic Vector Psychology" training helps to restore peace of mind and the ability to build relationships.

Why did this happen to me?

Not all people are equally reverent about the family. Everyone has their own values ​​- and not because someone is bad, but someone is good, it's just that our psyche is arranged differently.

There are people for whom loyalty and honesty, a strong family and strong relationships are of particular value. These are the owners. And it is they who suffer the most if the family cracks. It is difficult, almost impossible for them to forgive and erase betrayal or lies, resentment or betrayal from memory. Why?

Everything is “faulted” by their natural phenomenal memory and inner desire for justice. The psyche of a person with an anal vector is built in such a way as to accumulate knowledge and preserve the experience of the past for future generations, accurately and unchanged. So that we do not reinvent the wheel every time. It is for this that the best memory is given, in which everything is stored on the shelves, in all details. And not forgotten.

What about justice? In the understanding of the owner of the anal vector is fair - it means equally. To me with kindness - and I will thank you. What if it's evil? The internal balance is disturbed, resentment settles in the soul against the one who was wrong, caused pain. Dependence on everything to be even, even, makes the psyche rigid, clumsy, a person hardly adapts to everything that does not correspond to his ideas of “correctness”.

Sometimes an apology is enough, and we sincerely forgive. What if the offender didn't apologize? And if you did something that you can’t fix with apologies, caused pain that you can’t make up for with anything? Trampled the most sacred: loyalty, love, relationships? Violation of the sense of justice torments, focuses on oneself, on pain, over and over again returns to the past.

This is how a good memory and a feeling of resentment do not allow you to psychologically complete the relationship, let go, which means that they do not allow you to fully live in today's day and create new relationships.

To realize your nature, to understand what prevents you from moving forward, is to take the first step towards liberation from the pain experienced. We can take this step together at Yuri Burlan's free online training starting August 23rd.

How could he do this to me?!

The partner of a person with an anal vector often becomes the owner. And its properties, desires are completely different. Flexibility in everything. Benefit orientation. He can easily change his mind if he sees that it is more expensive for him to remain true to himself. His life goals are different. Bring changes, engineering thought into society, create laws, extract and save resources - if a person is developed. If not really, he can steal in small ways, look for the desired novelty in sexual relations at one time.

Why does he become like this? The reason may be a trauma received in childhood - humiliation from parents or beatings, an attempt to grow out of him someone who he is not. “Father studied for one five, and what a fool you are - it flies in one ear, flies out the other!” He has no perseverance, no desire to study, like a parent with an anal vector, but he has the talent of an organizer and optimizer, a smart thought aimed at prey in any form.

Without developing his innate properties until adolescence, a person can later apply them only at a primitive level. And this, of course, affects the relationship in a couple.

The reasons for cheating can be different. You can deal with them in more detail by learning a little more at the training "System-Vector Psychology". As soon as you understand what kind of desire drove your partner, the pain will let go and the endless question “For what and why?” stop tormenting the heart. It's like realizing that a dog can't meow and there's no sun at night.

But this is not the most important thing. The main thing is that by learning to understand the other person, you can avoid bad experiences in the future. Not to be afraid and avoid relationships - but to find someone who can actually share your dreams with you. The results of the training show that this is an absolute reality. As well as the fact that, having understood your husband, you can at a qualitatively different level.

Spring-cleaning. Putting order in life

We begin to breathe confidently with full breasts when we systematically analyze what happened to us. Why did our partner behave this way, what guided him. A clear, clear psychological understanding of the situation, causes, motives for the behavior of all participants in the conflict evens out the internal imbalance that arose as a result of the betrayal of a loved one.

It's like reformatting a hard drive: these folders are here, but we don't need these - we will put others in their place: new, clean, beautiful, necessary. Remove these programs, but update these. In the same way, we consciously, with a full understanding of the matter, put things in order in our souls and thoughts, and therefore in life.

From scratch

The next step is a conscious, correct realization among people. We can use any of our properties in plus or minus.

A good memory was given to us not in order to live in the past, which can no longer be corrected, to remember injustice and carry a grudge. It is given so that we get joy from its implementation in society. Maybe a phenomenal memory is necessary in your professional activity or hobby?

Our priority of the past can be used for its intended purpose - to connect generations, to transfer experience and knowledge to the future. When we thus shift the focus of perception from ourselves to people, when we use our innate properties not only for ourselves, but for everyone, to solve important problems, it is easier for us to survive any difficulties. Thought ceases to run around in circles of its own experiences, it has an application that brings real pleasure.

Who was able to leave past relationships in the past and start a new page in life:

Learn to distinguish people so that there are no more insults and betrayals. Live every second and not be afraid of the future. Restore trust and be able to build happier relationships. This is possible if you master the knowledge of vectors. Come on and try it for yourself.

Proofreader: Natalya Konovalova

"A man in love is like a blind child"

THE PAIN OF BECAUSE

To be loved mutually means to be significant, especially valuable and necessary for one very close and dear, beloved person.
This boundless happiness can collapse in one moment, as soon as a person learns abouttreason . Pain from treason the stronger, the stronger the attachment and trust to the person who has changed, the more hopes for a joint future and happiness are associated with him, the more the shared past brings him closer.
The need to be loved by a person is one of the basic (basic) needs. Pain from treason beloved (close person) is due to the feeling that you have been abandoned, traded, rejected.

With the knowledge of the fact treason a person's attitude changes drastically. Faith in oneself weakens, there is an acute feeling of one's own inferiority, on the one hand. On the other hand, the agonizing need to be next to the person you really need and to whom you are attached remains unsatisfied. The mental state is saturated with aggression - how he dared (dared), self-abasement (inferiority) - shortcomings are sorted out, qualities are compared "I'm bad, because they didn't choose me!" absent-mindedness - everything falls out of the hands of “Thoughts beat on hands” (I. Talkov), depression - I don’t want to continue to live.

WHAT IS CHANGE
Treason- this is not just an action, it is a subjective experience of a particular person in response to his preference for another. Majority psychologist ov are called to treat treason philosophically - forgive, understand, accept, forget, cope with your emotions, analyze the situation and try to fix it. I believe that experiences associated with betrayal deeply personal, treason concerns only two (who changed and who changed). For some, light flirting on the side will become a hard pain, but for some, perennial treason husband or occasional trips to prostitutes- in the order of things. The depth of experiences is caused, first of all, by the need for close relationships, if this need is very weak, then a person will react more calmly to spree on the side than someone who is aimed at monogamous serious relationships, where two belong to each other, and there is no place for a third. The exception is a number of men who regard their woman as their property and do not allow either her flirting or her treason, as this will deal a crushing blow to their self-esteem and pride.

TO FORGIVE OR NOT TO FORGIVE
Treason- a blow to self-esteem. The position “I won’t forgive” helps to raise your self-esteem. Pride and self-esteem are always there. Pride relieves the pain of humiliation and inferiority, but leads to separation and more pain if you really want to be with this person. Psychologist The ical recommendation is always the same - to forgive and let go for your own good and peace, and decide for yourself: “Do I want to be with this person who risks our relationship so easily or not?”
To forgive or not to forgive is a choice that a person will make. What is more important for him, to stay and accept or leave, to be alone or to try to date another person? Friends, on the one hand, can open your eyes and help you look objectively at the situation, and on the other hand, you love, you know better what to do, especially since theyin their judgmentscome from their personal experience.

HOW TO DEAL WITH THE PAIN OF CHANGE
Emotions…
Few people succeed, having learned about treason for which he was absolutely unprepared to remain calm. Of course, everything is very individual, but the common thing for everyone is a flurry of negative emotions. prevails anger, hatred, resentment, fear of losing a loved one, guilt that something was done wrong and provoked treason. This is followed by despair and the "parade of catastrophe emotions" ends with a depressive state.©The author of the article you are reading now, Khramchenko Nadezhda/

On the first day, you need to give free rein to your emotions. Do not reassure yourself, but splash them out, however, no matter how insulting it may be, it is important to do without self-harm for your own good. A friend or girlfriend to whom you can talk out and find support from them will be very helpful. A similar therapeutic effect occurs when listening to songs about betrayal and the suffering of their heroes. In addition, strong emotions are friendly with physical activity. This means when you are embraced by a strong anger, corrosive resentment and guilt, leave the house, take a walk at a brisk pace, breathe in fresh air slowly, if you are in a gassed city, look for a park. If you still stay at home - clean the apartment, throw out junk and rubbish, wash the floor, exercise yourself, shovel snow in winter, work in the garden in summer. This is a wonderful cleansing of negative emotions, which, if not splashed out, can explode a person in the most inopportune situation.
The first day is for a splash of negativity, you can cry and move actively. The following days are for acquiring positive emotions. Remember what gives you extraordinary joy, then do it. At work, think about pleasant moments, learn to dream and visualize (imagine) your dream. Can't move away from the negative and get positive emotions? Accept your pain, admit to yourself that trouble has happened to you, and no one is immune from trouble. At the same time, learn to receive positive emotions not from one, but from another, not from another, but from a third. Discover new facets of life, try new things. Somewhere there is a loophole to joy. Be active, look for it, not despairing, but recognizing your pain from treason close person. After all, it’s stupid to say that nothing happened, but also to kill yourself with negative destructive emotions because of what happened, and anger, resentment, fear, guilt - these are all destructive emotions, it's not worth it.
Again I will say , treason is a challenge to self-esteem. And you need to take care of it first of all. Here it is important to understand changed not because you are not something good, but for other reasons. Perhaps you are simply not suitable for each other, and your chosen one (tsa) does not value your relationship, there are people who cannot but cheat, or maybe the seducer (nice) tried very hard (s) to get his way. Inspire yourself with the idea that they changed, not because you are bad, but because they could not appreciate you adequately. Be someone else in your place treason would also take place. Remember more often any compliments, praises from relatives or at work, especially from boyfriends, that you have ever received in your life. Ask a loved one for therapy to tell you what he especially likes about you. If you record it on a dictaphone and listen to it, it will be absolutely wonderful.
Do more often the things that you especially succeed in, admire the fruits of your labor, admire yourself.
The best doctor for treason close - a favorite thing and occupation. Lucky are those who have a job in which they can fully immerse themselves. Otherwise, find yourself a hobby. It is great if it leads to new acquaintances and meetings.
Set life goals, distant and near best, personal, work, family. This will give you and your life a special value and significance.

Try to replace the emptiness from the loss of a loved one or trust in him with the fullness of life. Very often, when parting, a woman begins to gain weight intensely, she seizes the emptiness from the loss of a loved one, then she is overcome by depression when looking in the mirror. A number of others drink emptiness to drink, seeking to get away from despair with the help of alcohol. These are destructive actions. The emptiness from the loss of a loved one needs to be filled, but not with alcohol or food.

As soon as negative emotions come up, immediately switch to activities or just dream. Close your eyes and visualize your dream, imagine it. This is also an activity, active, healing, an activity of the imagination.
Speaking of visualization. If you want to quickly forget traitor(tsu), sit comfortably in a chair, leaning on its back, relax, close your eyes, imagine his (her) face, body. If it is beautiful, change the image to ugly, if he (she) turned out to be tall (oh), then make it low (oh), if he (she) is fat (th), then make his (her) image thin etc. change qualities traitor to the opposite. Then shrink its image until it turns into a dot and destroy it.
Visualization can also be done with images of sex scenes if they bother you.©The author of the article you are reading now, Khramchenko Nadezhda/

They usually suffer from physical treason, and the person with whom this was done may begin to have strong feelings about their appearance. But, firstly, appearance is far from everything, we all grow old, it changes very quickly, and secondly, in every person there is something very meaningful and important for his loved ones. Please think about your qualities for which you can be loved and appreciated and be sure to take care of your appearance. Physical exercise, swimming, is great for both men and women. Changing eating habits to healthy ones will also lead to good vitality. Hairstyle, jewelry, properly selected cosmetics will transform any woman. In a man, a change in style will give self-confidence.

Now why not flirt and experiment with your sexuality. For a woman, it is important to feel desired, but for a man, a conqueror and no treason should not destroy and annihilate human life. Even if age and a mirror urge you to give up, you need to regain your self-esteem, significance, move towards the fullness of your life and damn it. And sexual attraction.

Don't neglect the help of a psychologist. When you share your pain with others, they are drawn to give advice. It just so happened. The psychologist accepts you and your difficult situation as you are. I can give professional advice individually to get out of this depressing state and recover. You also have the opportunity to take a course of personal work with me, so as not to fall into such circumstances again.To sign up for consultation in the reception psychologist, you at home, by Skype ,by phone, Can

" Who lost his wings - afraid to fall in love,

In this article, I will tell you about why your man could cheat on you, and how you can forgive him for it. And it is up to you to stay or leave, because all cases are unique, and I have no right to give recommendations on this matter.

As a psychologist, I can say that both men and women have well-defined reasons for cheating. In this article, I will present you with five of the most common reasons that push men to cheat, as well as talk about how to forgive cheating and get out of the depressed state you are currently in. And I will help to establish relations with a man and save a family, if you have such a goal.

Finding out about treason is like learning about a serious incurable disease. You have an obvious choice. Having learned about the disease, you can instantly grow old for ten years, lie down and live in depression for the last six months. Or you can look at your life from the other side and, having found the strength in yourself, finally start living the way you always wanted to. Run in the morning, do what you love, show all your love for loved ones and sincerely enjoy life. In the second case, you can live up to a hundred years, and a sudden illness will go away without a trace.

Also with change. You have a choice - you can become depressed and, after parting with your husband, curse all the men in the world until the end of your days and die in splendid isolation. Or you can look closely at the relationship that was between you. Did you do everything right? Did he do everything right? Maybe this betrayal is the key to making you radically reconsider your relationship? Let's try to understand this together.

Key words

As a psychologist, I understand well what a woman feels when her husband cheated on her. It is not easy to realize this betrayal and learn to live with this thought, with the understanding that the closest and dearest man can, being in a relationship with you, choose another person. Even more difficult is to accept your husband even after this terrible act, try to trust him again, build relationships and learn from it.

Now you need to live the pain that you are experiencing and be in it. No need to fence off from it, deny or fight. To be able to win the game, you must accept its rules. I can crucify for a long time about how bad your husband is, that he did this to you, lament, say: “Yes, how could he!”, “This is unworthy!”, “Yes, how the earth wears such people!”. And such words really take place, regardless of the reasons for the betrayal, even if your responsibility also played a big role here. But in this way, I will only cultivate a victim in you, pitying and blaming the other. Also, by blaming and criticizing your husband, I will only increase the time in which you can forgive him. And to forgive now is your main task, because you want to make it easier for you. So let's get on with it.

Why he cheated - 5 possible reasons

There are, of course, more than five reasons in life, but these five are the most common. The myth that many men cheat did not arise out of nowhere. The psychology of a man is such that he simply has many more reasons for infidelity than a woman. In women, one of the main reasons for infidelity is a lack of attention, and the desire to fill this attention through another person. This is almost the only reason for female infidelity (the second is betrayal out of revenge). And for men, the reasons are completely different:

Reason #1: Sexual frustration

Dissatisfaction with sexual life is perhaps the most natural reason why a man can commit adultery. For males, regular satisfaction of physical needs is especially important, as well as some variety in sexual life.

In order for this need for regularity and variety to be constantly satisfied over many years or even decades with the same partner, it is necessary to work on yourself and on relationships tirelessly. And at the same time, it is important that both partners are interested in maintaining fidelity in a relationship. You can read about how to maintain a fire in a relationship for many years.

Reason #2: Competitiveness and self-affirmation

Men by their nature are sharpened to be active, to win, and for the sake of this fight, fight, stand out and compete. Thanks to the eternal need of the stronger sex for self-affirmation, humanity is moving forward. The desire to win, capture and master is the main reason for scientific discoveries, new technologies, unusual devices and in general everything new that provokes evolution.

Often the competitive instinct is the underlying reason for cheating. A man tends to assert himself. And if his wife is not a symbol of self-affirmation for him, then he will find this symbol elsewhere. What does it take to be a symbol of self-affirmation for a man? This is an individual question. For someone it is important that a woman be the most beautiful. For another, intelligence or character matters. For the third - support. In general, a woman must understand what is the main factor of self-affirmation for her man, and correspond to it. Think about what is a reason for self-satisfaction for your husband? What makes him proud that you are his wife?

Reason #3: Dissatisfaction with values

Each person has their own values ​​in a relationship. It may be important for a man, for example, that a woman be beautiful and well-groomed, content with life, inspiring, grateful, share his beliefs, be his friend. This is an example of the possible values ​​of a man in a relationship with a woman.

What are your man's values? What is important to him in a relationship? Can you name at least five of his relationship values ​​right now?

If relationships are built on the level of values ​​- that is, you know each other's values ​​​​and try to satisfy them as much as possible, then this already speaks of the maturity of your relationship. And if you have no idea what is most important in the family for your husband, then you probably don’t talk on deep topics, you don’t know each other well, and perhaps there is no trust in your relationship.

Human needs tend to be satisfied regardless of circumstances. If you do not satisfy them consciously, your wise subconscious mind will do it for you. For example, you need attention and care, but you don’t make it clear to others. Your body can do this for you, for example by getting sick. When you are sick, you will most likely satisfy your unspoken need: you will be given increased attention by your family, loved ones will take care of you, call, be interested, worry. Thus, the need for care and attention will be satisfied. But at what cost!

I gave this simple example so that you understand that your partner's values ​​and needs are always met, consciously or unconsciously. And it is in your interest that you satisfy them, and not someone else. To do this, you need to talk to each other, trust and trust. Ask your partner what he wants, what he needs. Express your own needs in order to get their satisfaction, as well as stimulating him in this way to talk about his desires and values.

Reason #4: Lack of Energy

The channel of female energy is unidirectional, a woman can give energy to only one man. This is due to natural instincts: a woman chooses a single man for procreation and care for offspring.

A man is imprisoned so that he can take energy from different sources, from many women. A woman in this sense is a giver, and a man is a receiver. This is the main difficulty in maintaining monogamy - a woman needs to save and give energy to her man throughout her life. Otherwise, consciously or unconsciously, he will "quench his hunger", satisfy his need for energy on the side. And it doesn't have to be a change. For example, he can hire not a fifty-year-old assistant with rich life experience, but a young girl from whom he can be filled with energy. Or he can sign up not for boxing, but for yoga, in order to “get” energetically what he lacks at home. All this can happen completely unconsciously, and if enough attention is not paid to this in the family, then over time it can develop into treason.

Read about how to establish the correct energy balance in a relationship, how to give a man energy throughout his life so that he does not need and does not want to take it from others, read this.

Reason #5: Boredom

All of us, both men and women, sooner or later get bored in a relationship. In the event that your relationship has been going on for more than five years, you have already learned each other's habits, your relationship has become close to routine, and life is probably starting to seem monotonous.

If you yourself live in the same role, you have a certain character and you tend to act in a certain way in all situations, then a man, as a polygamous creature, has an unbearable desire for diversity. In order for this not to happen, you need to be different all the time. At the same time, it is also important to be able to feel a partner and adapt to him. If he has a groovy mood, you can support him in this and be playful. If he came home angry and dissatisfied, then it is better to either be soft and calm him down, or leave him alone. You need to be able, when necessary, to include a little princess, a wise queen, an evil witch, a cold-blooded man or a caring mother.

Only by being different and adapting to desires and needs, you can make a polygamous man want to look only at you and remain faithful to you, regardless of the circumstances.

Responsibility versus guilt

I understand how great the risk is now to go into blaming her husband for all the troubles and into a state of self-pity. I understand how strong the resentment is and the thoughts that “I was betrayed”, “he is to blame”, “how could he”, “I would never do that”.

Unfortunately, such thoughts are a surrogate for self-love, and lead to nothing but loss of energy, impotence and the cultivation of a aching, compassionate part of the personality. They do not lead to action and only make you an even weaker person, and do not contribute to the further improvement of relations with your husband, rather the opposite.

In order for you to learn how to think like a strong person, stop feeling sorry for yourself and instead start acting, I wrote a book for you, which consists entirely of tasks, by completing which you will learn to think in such a way that you immediately take responsibility for yourself and change everything what you would like to change.

The desire to feel sorry for yourself and blame others will become a thing of the past, and the realization will come that only by taking full responsibility for everything that happens, you become able to change the situation.

Do not confuse guilt with responsibility: you are not to blame for the betrayal of your husband, but you are responsible for the fact that you are married to the one who cheated on you.

Recognizing this difference and learning to act immediately, without blaming anyone, but taking responsibility - that's what my book is aimed at. Taking responsibility and having the determination to take action is your first step towards forgiveness.

How to forgive your cheating husband and move on - 3 steps

It's already happened. Knowing the reason is important so that this does not happen again in your life, no matter with this man or with another. To prevent this from happening again, you definitely need to change something in the relationship. In any conflict, two are always to blame, and there is no need to relieve yourself of responsibility and completely switch attention to the one who cheated. Men never change just like that. In 95% of cases, the cause of infidelity is one of the five listed above. Therefore, to further build relationships in loyalty to each other, find among them your reason and from today start building relationships in a new way.

It doesn’t matter if you are going to leave your husband or if you want to save the relationship and start building it differently, in fidelity and mutual respect. I present to you the three steps you need to go through in order to forgive your husband and get out of the low emotional level that you are currently on. So, how to forgive the betrayal of her husband and live on - three steps:

Step #1: Acceptance and Forgiveness

Go ahead. If you have found out the reason why this happened, then frankly, calmly, without tantrums, talk to your husband about this reason. If the reason remains unclear to you, try also gently and patiently to find it out with the help of a sincere conversation. If a man is interested in you forgiving him, he will do everything to convey to you the true essence of what happened.

Reasons such as “didn’t hold back” or “got drunk and couldn’t control myself” are not suitable. It's more of a deeper cause. If harmony, trust and understanding reign in your family, your man will never stop controlling himself, this simply will not happen to him. So look deeper for the cause.

Try to get to the bottom of the matter together. If you feel that your husband is evading a sincere confession, gently continue the conversation. Understand that life always brings us back to the same situations until we learn the lesson. In the meantime, you have not got to the bottom of the true reason and are trying to turn a blind eye to it - the situation will repeat itself in your life again and again. Therefore, it is important first of all for you. When you understand the reason, you should feel better.

Step #2: His Responsibility

The next step to forgiveness must be the step of a man. He must take responsibility for what happened and do everything on his part so that you forgive him. Your role in this is to say what you don't like, to say, What would you like to hear from him, talk about your needs.

If this seems difficult to you or you think that a man will not do as you ask, then you are probably in the role of a victim in a relationship. How to get out of it and learn to express everything that you do not like and do not suit you, read this.

Talk to your husband frankly and let him know exactly what actions he needs to take in order for you to forgive him. What actions or words could he or she use to help you forgive? Think about what needs to happen, what he needs to do, or how to behave in order to help you forgive?

Step #3: Letting Go

The last step in forgiveness should be the symbolic release of resentment. Write down on a piece of paper all the thoughts that you have about this betrayal. All the thoughts you want to let go. Write yourself and ask your husband to do the same. You don't have to read each other's papers. Crumple them up and burn them together. It is advisable to do this at any reservoir and put it on the water. Or, in extreme cases, open the window and throw the burnt sheet into the street.

In order to forgive betrayal for sure, do the technique. So you will be freed from oppressive thoughts and from now on you will be able to build relationships from scratch.

How to survive

You must understand that after infidelity, in any case, for some time (from several months to a year) you will experience an unpleasant oppressive feeling that it will be difficult for your man to understand, and for you to explain to him in words.

Survive this, as well as safely and calmly live all the emotions that await you - from denial and anger to depression and acceptance, you will succeed much easier and faster with a psychologist. The psychologist in this case will act not only as a supportive link, but will also help you forgive, and will also show you what exactly formed such a man’s attitude towards you (your beliefs, self-esteem or childhood experience) and how you can change this so that you build only happy relationships where both partners are faithful to each other.

How to live on

If you decide to keep the family together and continue to live together, then you need to change the part of your relationship that led to the betrayal. For example, if dissatisfaction with values ​​led to betrayal, then start talking more with your husband. Find out what is important to him in a relationship, what he would like. Talk about your values ​​too. Start satisfying each other's conscious and unconscious desires. And over time, you will notice that the relationship has become more harmonious and happier.

If, for example, the reason for the betrayal was the lack of diversity in life, then it's time to start serious and fruitful work on yourself. To be different all the time, you need to develop yourself spiritually, read, get more diverse information and increase awareness. As a rule, the less rich and varied a person's life is, the less flexible he is, the more difficult it is for him to change. Men are polygamous, which means that if we want them to be faithful to us, we essentially want to change them. And for this we need to constantly change ourselves.

Conclusion

In this article, you learned how to forgive your husband's infidelity and move on, as well as the five most common reasons that push men to cheat. Let's summarize:

Men don't just change. They have very specific reasons for this. To be constantly different, to satisfy values ​​and physical needs, to be a symbol of self-affirmation, and to inspire and give a man energy - all this must be given to a man in abundance if you want to remain faithful in a relationship.

A man is a polygamous being, and if you want a truly faithful relationship where mutual respect reigns, you need to work on yourself, develop yourself and the relationship between you.

In order to forgive your husband's infidelity, you need to clearly identify the reason for his infidelity. Next, talk frankly with him about this topic, get him to satisfy your needs and let go of it all with him.

And don't forget to buy my book. It will help you forgive and become stronger.

If you need individual help in relationships or to understand yourself, you can contact me for psychological help. I will help you learn to love yourself and build relationships so that loyalty and trust are the main criteria in them.

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Love and be true to each other!
Your psychologist Lara Litvinova