How to choose a wife for yourself, so as not to suffer later, what pitfalls await a man in marriage, said Bishop Panteleimon of Orekhovo-Zuevsky.

A good wife is a man's reward

Finding a good wife is the hardest thing in life! But then, if you make the right choice, there will be a reward for life. There is nothing better in the world than a good, good wife.

Career, money, football, friends - all this is nonsense. The main thing is a family and a wife who is loving, kind, understanding, sacrificial, caring, affectionate, a good mother for children.

This is where you can and should work hard. Unless a man has chosen the path of a monk, when for the sake of God he renounces worldly attachments and does not start a family.

Choose your wife carefully

You don't have to meet randomly. You should not offer your hand and heart to everyone in a row, so that, looking at the reaction, choose your wife from those who agree. You are insured, but what is it like for a girl? Will you embarrass her and give her hope in vain?

Girls are gentle, trusting creatures, they quickly fall in love and are very worried when their feelings are not reciprocated. Women have a more subjective view of reality than men.

They trust their feelings more, so they easily believe that someone has fallen in love with them and is going to propose.

Keep this in mind: meet girls, but be very, very careful.

I had many such cases when a girl came to me and said:

There is a young man, I really like him, I would like to marry him.

Does he want you to be his wife? I ask a question.

I think he likes me too, he smiles at me all the time.

I call the young man:

There is such and such a girl, do you like her?

So so…

Why are you smiling at her?

I smile at everyone.

Be careful not to smile at everyone. Be restrained and careful, do not make unnecessary promises.

If you are looking closely at an Orthodox girl, I advise you to go to her parish before you meet. See who she goes to confession to, talk to this priest. Tell him that you like this girl. Ask if you can meet her. Maybe she is already engaged, waiting for a groom from the army and therefore walks alone. Or maybe she is not in the mood to get married and is preparing for monasticism. The confessor will warn you about this and give you advice that will help you avoid getting into an awkward situation.

But the meaning is not only that the girl's confessor will give you advice. It is important to find out with whom your future wife will solve spiritual and family problems.

It is very good to know what kind of person this is, what kind of priest this is. Is he strict, are you ready to recognize his authority.

Find out more about the girl before meeting. See what she writes on her social networks, who her friends are, what her interests are. It happens that a girl is Orthodox in appearance, but on her page you don’t understand what: she is “in active search” and believes that you can demonstrate your beauties, discuss some inappropriate topics. This happens, unfortunately, be careful. Before you get acquainted, take a closer look, think, weigh all the pros and cons.

How to take the first step?

It is better not to start with a decisive step. It is very binding. Sometimes friends invite lonely people to visit with the intention of introducing them. In this case, both know which meeting they are going to, and it can be awkward.

It's better to chat casually. For example, you found out that the girl is a volunteer. Sign up to volunteer, go to meetings, sit next to a girl during a tea party or at a concert, talk casually.

When you take the first step - taking her to the movies or for a walk - you already impose some obligations on yourself.

Therefore, it is better to get acquainted by chance, gradually. In order not to hurt the girl, not to reassure her in vain if you cannot marry her later.

Don't look for the perfect look

Some people like blondes, some brunettes. Some are slim, some are plump. I had a friend who was looking for a wife with glasses. He thought that if she wore glasses, she would certainly be smart. Someone would like his wife to sing beautifully.

But you should not focus on the appearance of the girl. You need to pray to God and ask that the marriage be according to the will of God. It is most important. First of all, you need to think about what kind of heart she has, does she know how to love sacrificially, does she love children, is she ready to educate them, is she neat, is she ready to respect your opinion? These qualities are essential in marriage.

No matter how beautiful the girl is, you will not put her in a corner and admire her for thirty years.

In the end, she will grow old, her hair will turn gray, there will be changes in her figure. But you don’t get married in order to brag to your friends, but in order to live life next to her. So that she loves you, that she tolerates you, that she cooks for you, that she helps you. You yourself are far from "Apollo".

It's best to be peers

Archimandrite John (Krestyankin) said that an age difference of more than five years is already some kind of obstacle to marriage. This is not an absolute obstacle, but it is still better for the wife to be about the same age as her husband.

Of course, it happens otherwise. So, for example, the famous Moscow pastor, wise and experienced confessor, Archpriest Vsevolod Shpiller was ten years younger than his wife Lyudmila Sergeevna. Their marriage was very happy, they loved each other very much.

But I also know other cases: when young men, having chosen a wife 5 or 10 years older than themselves and having received a blessing for this marriage, then began to court young girls and marriages were destroyed. This happens, unfortunately.

Who to consult?

I am very afraid when they turn to the so-called. "Elders" and they easily bless the marriage of two people unknown to them. One must be very careful with such "blessings". In our age, you need to create a family with a girl for whom there is a feeling of love, and not with the one whom "father said" to marry.

Sometimes there is physical hostility towards another person, something elusive in him is not pleasant. Someone else may not notice this, but you notice and you are uncomfortable, unpleasant to be around. Someone sniffs his nose, someone picks his teeth with a toothpick, someone adjusts his clothes ugly ...

You need to make a decision, relying on God, praying, but on your own. You don't choose your parents, you don't choose your children, but you can choose your wife. And this choice is very serious. Talk to your confessor, consult with your parents.

Mind and heart must approve of your choice

Love must be combined with reason. You can't act on feelings alone.

When they say: “This feeling is stronger than me! I can't handle it!" - this is not true love, but a sinful passion: deceitful, selfish and exalted. Love must be in harmony with reason.

But there can be no purely rational choice: yes, she is beautiful, rich, humble, meek, she has a good confessor, she has an apartment, her parents are rich, she will do! I'm getting married! And the heart is silent.

No, it is necessary that there be a feeling for the girl, and that the mind agrees with this. When there is agreement between mind and heart, this is exactly the right choice.

Trial period - one year

My advice to you is to wait with the wedding at least a year after you have already proposed. Sometimes this period can be shortened, but it is better to wait. Women are changeable people. Much depends on their mood: in spring they are alone, in autumn they are different, in winter, perhaps, they become discouraged, and in summer, on the contrary, they become too active.

And do not forget that when a girl wants to please you, she can make a deceptive impression on you.

She will look into your mouth, agree with everything you say, and treat you very respectfully. And then everything can change.

It's good to do something together at this time. Participate in common projects. Find an opportunity to be with a girl nearby both in business and in leisure.

You can go to museums together, you can go to the theater or to the skating rink, talk more. It is important to see a person in a variety of life situations.

Pay attention to how your chosen one communicates with her parents, with her friends, what she loves, how she dresses, how often she goes to church, how she spends her free time, how she spends her vacation. Otherwise, you may marry a girl you don't know at all. And in marriage, your life together will become a complete torment - your habits will turn out to be so different, incompatible. Therefore, I repeat once again: in no case should you rush.

First kiss - at the wedding

It is very important during the acquaintance - all this year until the wedding - to remain chaste. Learn chastity. The first kiss is allowed only at the end of the wedding.

I'll explain why. In man there are certain mechanisms that are created by God. Not bad mechanisms, good ones. They are needed so that there are children, so that there is an expression of love, so that people unite into one, not only in soul, but also in body. There is nothing wrong.

But these mechanisms should turn on only when you have chosen your wife as a person, and not as a partner to satisfy carnal desires. Although, of course, marital relations are a very important component of family life, but marriage is also a school of chastity, marriage is also a school of abstinence.

Sooner or later, close relationships will end - well, at sixty, well, at seventy, at eighty, maybe. Therefore, it is impossible to base a family on them.

Bodily relations are a consequence of marriage, they are natural in marriage, but should not be the main ones. The main thing should be love for your wife, care, attention, sympathy, the desire to learn to love.

The joy of marital relations is short-lived and short-lived, and with this person you will have to live your whole life. There is also the joy of friendship, the joy of spiritual communion, the joy of working together and raising children.

Married - kiss for health!

When you have established your decision to connect life with this girl, God and your parents have blessed you - then after the wedding you can start all the mechanisms, kiss to your health! Maybe you shouldn't show it off. At our parish weddings, they do not shout “bitterly”, and the newlyweds behave with restraint. And before the wedding, you need to avoid everything that can strengthen carnal feelings and lead to serious sin.

Some say: "We must try in advance, it will work or not." This is not a Christian approach at all. You can and should pray to God that “everything will work out”. And we pray during the sacrament of marriage for the unity of souls and bodies.

But bodily relationships are often a source of grief in a marriage. Over time, some of the spouses become bored, they become unnecessary, and vice versa for some. There are bound to be some inconsistencies here. You don't have to be afraid of it.

Just don't make that side of the marriage dominant.

If carnal desires begin to be cultivated before marriage, a person loses chastity, the integrity of consciousness, becomes one-sided. It diminishes the spiritual, spiritual component of his human nature. The mind and higher feelings are clouded by prodigal passion. Marriage is not based on true, self-sacrificing love, but on the desire to satisfy the flesh. I think this is the main reason for the destruction of the family in our time.

Therefore, it is important to develop friendly, trusting human relationships before marriage. Then the carnal aspect will become their natural completion and take its rightful place in the whole spectrum of family relationships.

Prodigal passion is a dark moonless night, it crushes the soul with its weight, makes a person a slave to the rebellious flesh, deprives of freedom, tears away from communion with God, plunges into the hopeless darkness of impurity. The close relationship of the spouses is blessed by God, expresses their desire for complete unity, acquires meaning in the conception of the fruit of love - a child. Here the flesh follows the soul, is cleansed in the fire of love, and serves as an expression of love.

The joy of close marital relations, inspired by love for the closest person in the world, was never dreamed of by fornicators and harlots, in whom all pleasure comes down to satisfying carnal needs.

Husband's First Duty

Remember that your first duty as a husband is to love your wife. Women are different. They know how to love more, they are more gentle, often more faithful. They have a beautiful, moving soul. They are more attentive, more caring. And more fragile, weaker.

A man who is going to get married must be ready in advance to protect his wife, understand her weaknesses, endure her shortcomings, listen to her experiences, console her.

You need to be firm in matters of principle, and in the little things - let her do as she likes. If you want something else, please.

The wife must certainly have a field of activity in which she decides everything herself.

With small children, for example, let him do as he sees fit. Don't get involved. They will grow up, you will study with them, tell, explain, etc. In the meantime, they are still babies, leave the wife the opportunity to make decisions for herself. Support her.

Don't be afraid to be kind

When you first meet a girl, you are ready to talk to her for hours. And when she becomes your wife, it turns out that you are more interested in going to friends.

But the wives are waiting for your attention. They complain to me at confession: “When he comes home, he is silent, does not say a word.”

Before entering the house, stand on the platform, read "Our Father" three times.

Whatever happens during the day at work, you should come home joyful, hug your wife.

You can give her a bouquet of flowers, a chocolate bar, or whatever she likes.

Gifts to the wife should be given not only for her birthday, but more often in order to somehow support her. Because at home with children it will be very difficult for her.

You are at work, you have friends and acquaintances there, maybe you didn’t work, but sat on the Internet all day. You have an interesting life there, but your wife has the same thing every day - children, cleaning, kitchen.

It is not so easy for a modern woman.

Therefore, at home you must support your wife, help wash the dishes, clean up. Do not say that "this is a woman's business, my business is to work, your business is to take care of the house." It is not right. The traditional distribution of gender roles does not work now.

Do not be afraid to be different - do not be afraid to be affectionate, gentle, caring and help your wife. Coming home, do not demand services from her for yourself. Be sure to talk to her.

You talked at work, and she had no one to talk to at home. And do not swear that she talks a lot on the phone: women have a greater need for conversations than you and I.

I must point out that things are different. One woman complained to me that her husband, having come home, pesters her with conversations and questions, and she wants to rest. Therefore, my advice is to talk more, communicate with my wife - not unconditional. You need to understand how you can please her - with conversation or silence, and choose what she needs now.

Do not immediately eradicate the shortcomings

Act slowly.

One man told me that his wife eventually began to snore. At first he woke her up, and then he thought: “I'm waking her up, but she's tired. I'd rather be patient a little.

Let me not sleep, but she will sleep.” And stopped waking her up.

He told me that he felt very good in his soul, as if he had accomplished some kind of ascetic feat. Even such small feats of sacrificial love are very important in family life. And the family will be strengthened. By the way, through his prayers, his wife stopped snoring.

Make sure your wife rests

Don't interfere with your wife's legitimate pastimes.

Women love to go shopping and shopping. And let her walk, you don’t have to walk with her, you can sit in the car, wait until she returns.

It is important to understand that for a wife it is a vacation, an opportunity to escape from the domestic routine. Maybe this is not entirely correct, but this is how women have fun, relax.

Another recreational option for some women is to read something on the Internet. The main thing is that she does not go there for the whole day. To do this, do not give your wife a bad example, try not to linger on the net yourself. I saw families where everyone has their own tablet, they sit, drink tea, and everyone looks at something on their tablet. I'm afraid there is no communication in this family.

Don't shy away from childbearing

There should be as many children in a marriage as God wills. You need to discuss this topic with your wife even before marriage, so that she is ready for this. Find out in advance if she agrees. To live otherwise is a sin.

The birth of children is salvation for a woman. She may be losing her outer beauty, but gaining inner beauty - the beauty of her soul. Mothers of many children are very wise women, very good, reliable, wonderful, amazing people.

Carrying a child, a woman does hard work. This must be remembered. During pregnancy, a woman becomes irritable, nervous, easily breaks down. You need to be especially careful with her, affectionate, gentle. Especially tolerate it during this period.

But when the wife gives birth to a child, she will blossom so much - you simply cannot get enough of it. There are such wonderful women after childbirth - amazingly beautiful, surprisingly complacent, surprisingly joyful. And the child himself also brings joy to the family. Each new child is a completely new person, unlike anyone else, special.

Stay at home and pray

I would not allow my wife to give birth at home. There are very sad cases. And in the hospital to be present at the birth, I think the husband should not. Even if the wife really asks. It's better to avoid it. I was once at childbirth when there was a danger that the child would die, and he had to be baptized immediately. The sight is not for the faint of heart.

You need to pray at this time. Not that he sent his wife to give birth and went to celebrate with friends. No. This time should be spent in prayer: praying to God, reading the canon of the Mother of God, preparing the house for the arrival of the wife, calling her. But attending the birth is not worth it.

During pregnancy, you can discuss this issue with your wife and agree. You can prepare for childbirth together, go to courses together, but then stay at home and pray.

Don't give reasons for jealousy

Be very careful in dealing with other women. Don't give reasons for jealousy. So that you can not even be suspected of something. Because if you are free to interact with other women, it may seem that you are neglecting your wife and you are interested in someone else.

Before you get married, your friends come first. But when you get married, your wife will always come first.

You can visit and visit alone, meet friends, but think about what your wife will do at this time? If she gets bored, then you will have to reduce the time spent with friends.

A wife should be loved more than friends, more than work, more than other relatives.

If she has her own entertainment and her girlfriends, then you can split up for a while and spend the evening or weekend separately. I know that some mothers of many children are very happy to be at home alone, but, of course, you need to arrange a joint vacation.

In marriage, a person becomes himself

Marriage solves many problems, but new ones appear. Marriage is not a solution to all problems, but a transfer of life to a different quality. In marriage, a person becomes himself.

Marriage allows a person to know himself. When an "alter ego" appears - a wife - in her you will see a reflection of yourself.

In a family man - a husband - qualities develop that are impossible to develop in oneself without a wife given to him by God.

You have to be ready to die for your wife

When you choose a wife, you need to understand that for this woman you must be ready to die. But risking your life is not worth it. If you die and she is left alone or with children, severe trials will fall to her lot. It is easier for a man to live alone than for a woman. Previously, widows were even a special category of the suffering, whom the Church especially helped.

Of course, your sacrificial attitude towards your wife should not be expressed only in words, but also in deeds, in prayers, in your readiness to really lay down your life for her and do everything for her. There is no need to talk about this specifically, but you need to internally tune in to it.

You must understand that you choose a wife once, and you will not have another wife. Priests generally do not have the right to marry a second time. The Church allows a widowed man, for the sake of his children, to find another wife. But still it is better that the marriage is the only one.

Good evening, tell me how to be in this situation: soon I will become a married person to a girl who has a child, a child of 5 years old, we live in perfect harmony with my future wife, but as soon as the conversation comes about her son, we start to quarrel ... for it’s all very difficult for me, and I constantly notice only negative things in a child, then I don’t like the way he does, I don’t like it, she spoiled him very much, because she raised him alone, and there was no male support, and she’s growing, sorry for the expression, "duty-matyutya", and I was raised in a military family, where for the slightest misconduct I received a hat ... this child is not mine, I simply cannot raise my hand or yell at him, he does not listen to me, and all my conversations with him they end with "nothing", it all accumulates in me, and as a result we quarrel ... My wife tells me that you do not accept him, there is no upbringing on your part and support, but how can I give it to him? tell me how to understand the situation, otherwise I don’t know where it will lead, I’m already tired of this confrontation ....

Ivan, Russia, 24 years old

Psychologist's answer:

Hello Ivan.

In order for a child to have trust, interest, time is needed, sufficient authority, but for now he sees that he annoys you, because you are used to being treated harshly, and the child is used to being treated gently, carefully, gently, protectively. Only you have the power, not him. You are an adult, you can psychologically push the child away, get angry at him, you can deal with what you are experiencing, but how can a child cope with the fact that you treat him like that? Did he choose the method of upbringing, does he have the mental ability to manage the situation, how can he experience the fact that a person, a man who is next to his mother, who should protect him, give him a sense of confidence and security, is angry and annoyed, and wants to be the way he is accustomed to, how he thinks it is right, because that's how it was with him? Imagine yourself as this child. What would you feel? He is just a child. If you do not have parenting experience, you can turn to a child psychologist with your wife or on your own.

Sincerely, Lipkina Arina Yurievna.

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When a prince on a white horse appears in our life, and even with a marriage proposal, in our hearts we are incredibly happy: "this is happiness." But everything is not as simple as it might seem at first glance.

After the wedding, the prince no longer seems so perfect, “unexpectedly” it turns out that he scatters his socks, he is an ardent fan of some sports team, so there is no access to the TV in the hall ... In general, let's not talk about the bad. After all, we are not perfect either, and we ourselves can create the ground for a future break in relations.

“What a beautiful dress, probably also my size”

You said as you and your husband walked past a shop window. But he will only look at him, and you will move on. He doesn’t even think that in this way you are hinting at a purchase, or at least a fitting. He does not understand what you want (yes, he does not understand his involvement in your hints at all), and therefore your expectations will not come true.

And then resentment will begin to multiply in the female head, and believe me, it will be completely unreasonable. Instead of hinting, say directly that you need that dress, or something else, and then argue why. Everything is much easier.

“You saw him and saw him, but he did not”

One of the most painful topics: he scatters socks everywhere, does not close the tube of toothpaste. Even if a man does not have such problems, a woman-saw will find and definitely find fault with any flaw, and will do this until the end of the marriage. Every day, reproach after reproach. But everything is useless, from excessive pressure it will never change. It is easier for a man to go to another who will not be so malicious in dealing with lovely house husbands. Therefore, be kinder.

"Where were you, when and with whom?"

We like to control everything, especially our husbands. Therefore, very often quarrels and scandals are connected with the fact that a man cannot breathe easy, because he must report to his wife about almost every movement. But why is this happening?

Girls often discuss with their girlfriends who cooked what, where it will be today, tomorrow, with whom, where to go on vacation, where to buy cheaper clothes, and so on. Therefore, the husband may appear to us as a kind of silent man, because upon arrival from work he does not tell too much. Then thoughts begin to arise in the female head: “Yes, he is hiding something from me!”. And constant phone calls begin to give a report on where he was, with whom, why, and what time he will be at home.

It would seem that this is the very quality called jealousy, besides, something might really come to light. But, we are smart girls, and we don’t want to spoil the marriage with constant interrogations. Therefore, if you want to check the fidelity of your husband, use more hidden opportunities. Even if your husband is hiding something, he personally will never tell the truth. The same goes for his friends. In the end, don't do what you don't want to do. Just imagine how hell it is when a jealous husband calls you every 5 minutes to find out where you are and with whom.

"I have a headache"

If you think that you can punish your husband by not having sex, then this is very bad advice. You are a family, not ordinary roommates. You are not small children to deprive your husband of "sweet" because of any misconduct. In addition, there are a lot of women around who are almost always in a good mood and do not have a headache. You will only be to blame for this.

"I am a superwife"

As strange as it may sound, men are afraid of women who care too much about their husbands. Sometimes we ourselves choose a tie for him, clothes that he will wear during the day, we advise what is worth doing and what should be discarded. Overprotection imposes female superiority on a man, which will cause him to resist. Therefore, when a man says "I myself" - do not insist much. Do not put him in front of people for a small child.

We are all not perfect, so be more tolerant of each other and try to make concessions. And most importantly, to change someone - try to change yourself first.

Then you will have to remember all your life together: she is the person whose love you need to keep in your heart, having gone through quarrels, insults, mutual reproaches and misunderstandings. Only in this way, years later, you can understand that feelings have not gone anywhere, they just become calm, warm, homely. But, unfortunately, many couples do not stand the test of time. And the reason for this is the lack of such a quality as patience. Often such a character trait is absent precisely. When claims against your wife accumulate, do not make a scandal. And invite her to talk, peacefully discuss your common problems and try to find compromises in all matters.

If life is not going well with you, do not look for consolation on the side. Many men create the illusion of happiness, torn between family and. But for those who are serious about family problems, this state of affairs does not bring joy. On the contrary, sooner or later there is a need to part with one of the women. And it often happens that you don’t want to leave your soulmate. After all, there is no guarantee that complete harmony will reign in a new marriage. Indeed, a period of grinding will also begin in it, and it is possible that mutual understanding will disappear. So, there is no need to rush to change your wife, you need to correct your own view of the relationship.

Find an approach to your soulmate. Understand that sometimes the irritability and discontent of the spouse are caused by elementary fatigue. After all, household chores are not romantic meetings. A woman creates comfort in the house, takes care of you, which is a lot of work. And, of course, if you show a desire to help her in something, then you will show your love. You may have to overpower yourself, overcome your own laziness, but believe me, family happiness is worth it.

Go for concessions. When a quarrel arose from some trifle, sometimes important only for a woman, show nobility. Remember that you are a representative of the strong half of humanity, and give in. A sad outcome in the form of a divorce should have the right to exist only in the most extreme case: if you finally and irrevocably come to the conclusion that your wife is already an unloved stranger to you.

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If you have a first acquaintance, then you can talk about possible common interests, about music (well, there may be disagreements), then about some popular things that she probably knows. If you have known each other for a long time, then this is not a problem, you can talk about anything, about acquaintances, about humor, all girls are led to humor, for example, something from Comedy Club, etc. The main thing is that there should be money to bring it somewhere, but we will find what to talk about!

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Question: I have been married for 1 year and 2 months now. For all the time we lived, we often cursed. The reason was that she constantly deceived me, three weeks after nikah, I caught her talking on the phone with some guy for two weeks and at the same time did not say that she was married, and he did not know. The most surprising thing for me is that she did not admit that she really communicated with him and did not even apologize to me. I considered it a moral betrayal. The next day I cooled down and decided to close my eyes to it. A couple of weeks later we found out that she was pregnant. Then a terrible thing happened: I found out that she, being in a position, smoked a lot, deceived me that she did not do this and ignored my abuse about smoking, continuing to smoke further.

We had Nikah in November 2017. She worked until her maternity leave for about 7 months, worked a day after two, the next day after work she returned late, and then she worked a day after one. At that time, we lived with our parents, half a year after nikah, she began to go to her parents after our quarrel for two or three days, she began to set conditions for me that she didn’t want to live with my parents, you see, it’s uncomfortable for her to live with them . My parents didn’t do anything bad to her, they treated her with respect.

In general, we lived with my parents for 9 months, a child was born, after 40 days, the parents nevertheless decided to separate us. We lived separately and then not clover, often her relatives at our house, then her mother, then her sister. Her father, her mother and sister often interfered in our relationship, also continued to smoke after childbirth, continued to deceive, did not obey, refused to go to my parents at all, and saw her almost every day, did not look after me, did not really clean the house . In general, they lived together for a year after the last quarrel, she called her mother, and she packed her things and took her home. He did not kick her out of the house, she left on her own initiative. Went to her three or four times, trying to save the family. Didn't want to listen to me and didn't want to go back. She turned her parents against me, said and thought up nasty things about me. What should I do?

Psychological answer:

Praise be to Allah, the Merciful and the All-Compassionate! May Allah bless and greet the Prophet Muhammad, his family, his family, his companions and his followers. Amen.

Unfortunately, good changes in marital relationships are impossible until both want to change something and go towards each other. Marriage is a partnership where everyone takes on their own half of the responsibility and responsibilities.

It seems that your wife was not ready for real family life. From a wedding celebration to everyday life, and even in her parents' house, where she had to take into account other people's opinions and other people's habits. Maybe she wasn't in the mood for that. Hence her attempts to get positive emotions through virtual communication "on the side", when she corresponded with a strange guy on the Internet, and active smoking, which relieves stress and distracts from sad thoughts. Then your wife started disappearing at work. This may also be due to her desire to be distracted, to get away from problems. And when nothing helped, and her strength was running out, she just took it and left you for her parents. The time that you lived in a rented apartment could somehow positively affect your relationship, but this did not happen. I consider two probable reasons for this: the active intervention of the wife’s parents in your relationship, which may also indicate the wife’s excessive dependence on her relatives and her infantilism (emotional immaturity), and the fact that you, as a husband and loved one, could not find an approach to his wife, somehow get closer and solve the problem together. I don’t know your relationship, so I can’t advise what exactly and how you should have behaved with your wife during the period when you lived in a rented apartment. But the fact is that she did not see support in you and went to where she found mutual understanding.

Your wife's behavior is not what you expected from her. And here you converge with her: she was disappointed in you, and you in her. Your expectations from family life did not match. But in order to change the behavior of a marriage partner, you had to go beyond dry remarks to her, but try to get closer to her. Constant claims against her only exacerbated the situation. She did not see in you someone who you can rely on, learn from, and with whom you could change for the better. Of course, the intervention of her relatives also took place, but, in particular, as an alternative to the lack of support and understanding that she could receive from you.

Even the style of writing the letter is pointing and critical of your wife. Hasn't she done anything good for you? Have you tried to understand her? I do not mean that you had to indulge her bad habits, turn a blind eye to the sins she committed against you. From the point of view of logic, you did everything right, but to the detriment of relationships and at the cost of a family split. I urge you to educate your wife, and not to oppress her with remarks and put her in a state where she is forced to run away from you with a small child to her parents.

You probably noticed for yourself that the psychology of your woman is still childish, her expectations from marriage (like yours) did not come true, and her behavior in family life is far from being called corresponding to the status of a wife she has acquired. But every married woman goes through this: it's easier for some, harder for some, faster for some, slower for some. It is impossible to become a full-fledged wife and mistress on the second day after the wedding, just as it is impossible to be an ideal mother on the second day after giving birth. A woman needs to learn everything. And this requires time, diligence and a close person who would support her good undertakings, accept and love her with all her weaknesses and shortcomings and believe that she can become even better, help to take steps towards good changes in her. If a weak student is told throughout the entire educational process that he is “unskillful” and only points out his mistakes, then he will soon run away from such a teacher to someone who loves him and sees good in him. This is a normal desire of a healthy person. Therefore, think about whether you were too tough, categorical, offensive, annoying, etc. in family life. I don't know how it really happened.

I suggest that you look at the solution to the problem with the heart of a loving person, and not just with a mind that knows how it should be. After all, the process of education is very complex. And your woman deserves that you find an individual approach to her. This situation is also a test for you to become better. It is possible that your heart softens, and you begin to think with your heart, and not just with your head.

Remember how often you communicated with your spouse, were interested in her needs, joked and played with her? Do you know her moral state? It is important not just to live with a person, but to be close to him both in body and soul. Think about the emotional component of your nikah. If you started to change your spouse from afar, using the method I described above, then you yourself would begin to change within yourself. Because it is impossible to change your position without changing yourself.

Try to return your wife to an apartment where you would live separately from your parents. Make time for your spouse. In your free time, indulge in the halal entertainment she loves. Be interested in her needs, emotional state, spiritual growth. Encourage her to do good. Praise her for the slightest change for the better. Accept her for who she is. Do not demand the impossible from your wife, but what she is able to change, help her with a good word, a kind gesture and a loving face. Don't rush her. Do not forget that women are very different than men. It is not enough for a woman to understand how to do it. She should be set up for the business that she needs to be taught. Do not prevent the spouse from communicating with relatives, but limit her contacts with them. They must understand that for the wife, now, you are the guardian and master of her house. In order to make this less painful for the wife and her relatives, it is necessary to devote more time to the wife, and to express her good nature to her relatives, give them gifts, etc. If you manage to establish an emotional connection with your woman, then it will be easier for you to manage her actions yourself, and accordingly, to educate her in line with your expectations (in that which does not contradict Sharia). inshaAllah.

I hope I didn't hurt your feelings and was of some help. May Allah make it easy for you!

And praise be to Allah, the Lord of the worlds! Amen.

Elvira Sadrutdinova