Hello, dear psychologists!

I am 21 years old. Two weeks ago my beloved left me. We were together for four years. It was getting close to the wedding, we had already bought wedding rings and were busy preparing. It all started about a month ago (I mean, before the breakup). I quit my favorite job because of a conflict with my boss, and I was very worried. I couldn't get distracted. The opportunity arose to go to Moscow with my father. He's at work, and I'm just looking at the city and clearing my head a little. My fiancé didn’t mind at first, but then, the day before leaving, he started asking me not to leave. But I left anyway. I was gone for 10 days. Upon arrival, he gave me a huge scandal, accusing me of not loving him and that I was trying to break up. I explained that this was not true and that I just wanted a distraction. For some time he calmed down. We have mutual friends who told me that while I was away, he was very bored and worried. A couple of days passed and he told me that he wanted to break up because I didn’t love him. I convinced him that this was not so and somehow talked him out of it. Everything was fine, but after a few days, he said that he wanted to break up because I didn’t suit him as a person and that I would never change, but even though he loves me, we need to break up... Again I tried to make amends for everything. But after a few days, he said that he didn’t know how he felt about me. Loves or not. And while I was away, he thought a lot and now doubts his feelings. I was crushed and thought that this was the end, but after long conversations everything returned to normal for literally a few days. And then we quarreled over nonsense, and I lost my temper. And he told me everything that apparently he had wanted to say for a long time. That he has fallen out of love, and that he wants to leave forever. It’s probably worth saying that things were heading towards an engagement and he bought me a ring, literally a week before he left me. All his behavior is illogical... He cut off all contacts with me, it was May 1st. And on April 30, he said that he adores me... He didn’t want to say if he’d meet, he didn’t pick up the phone. I didn’t know what to do... Then I went to his grandmother, where he has lunch during a break between work. It was May 2. He met me as if I were a stranger. He shouted and insulted me. He said that he hated me and that I would never see him again. Added to ignore everywhere. In contact, in mail. I didn’t call or write to him for a week, maybe a little more. All this time, I was hysterical... After all, I love him incredibly much... Then I found a reason, wrote, as if nothing was wrong, just like a friend. He immediately started telling me that he didn’t need me at all, including as a friend. He stated that he is actively looking for a new girl. He said that if he changes his number, he won’t give it to me. And that if our communication stops, he will only be happy... I am in despair. He is a very impulsive, fickle, but at the same time stubborn person. I know that it is possible to establish at least friendly communication, for a start. But what if he rejects me? His best friend said that too little time had passed and that if I disappeared and stopped communicating with him, he would become interested. But I can't be sure.

That day, our wedding day, my sister was helping me get dressed and asked, “Are you nervous?” I honestly answered no. There was an hour left before the wedding I had always been dreaming about - on a Hawaiian beach - with the man who was my best friend. I shook my head and remember her exact answer: “Well, yes, and why would you be nervous? He's such a great guy." Since then I have been thinking about it constantly. This made me cry one day. Now it seems almost funny to me.

I met my fiancé two years earlier at a baseball game. He was tall and cute. I lived in Toronto and he was two hours away in northern Ontario, but we still started dating. I visited him every weekend. We were madly in love. When he proposed to me six months later - on the beach during sunset - I didn’t think it was too fast. I was 23, and it seemed that fate had decreed it. People said what a good couple we were. We were both active and ambitious, and he got along well with my family. While we were planning our wedding, we bought a house together. Of course, we had quarrels, but who doesn’t?

We decided that we would get married in Hawaii. He took an active part in organizing the wedding. And on this day I was very excited. That morning I went for a run and I remember telling myself that I needed to try everything. We stayed at a hotel overlooking the ceremony site on the beach, and from our window I could see all the preparations going on. This is probably why I wasn’t nervous when I put on the dress. This is probably why I was so shocked by what happened next.

He came into the room and said that we should talk in private. He cried. I thought that he allowed himself to throw out all his emotions. But then he said this: "I don't think I can do it." I couldn't understand. I asked: “Are you kidding?”

He shook his head. I stood there with a veil in my hair. And this man, who was supposed to be the love of my life, told me that he was calling off the wedding less than an hour before the ceremony. I didn't even ask why. I told him to leave. That hotel room suddenly felt so small.

My sister and friend went after him, but he ran away from them. He didn't even say anything to the organizers. I had to watch from the window as my sister went to the beach and told everyone.

One would think that it was a simple jitters, but when I opened the closet, I realized that this was not the case. While I was walking that morning, he collected all his things and documents. He really abandoned me. My heart was broken. I was humiliated and devastated.

I needed to escape. I went for a walk along the beach. Then, half an hour later, I called him. He just said he left because that's just how he felt. This is all. I don't know how I survived that night. It was a shock. I went to dinner but couldn't eat. My sister gave me sleeping pills, but I woke up at 4 am. It was very difficult to remember all this again.

What made it worse was that he remained on the island for the rest of the week. We were at the same resort. I saw him in the parking lot two days later and called him a coward; my feeling of devastation was already turning into anger. I devoted the rest of my vacation to sports and various entertainments, so as not to think about what happened. My goal was to be so tired every night that I could fall asleep without thinking. But when I returned to Canada, I was faced with reality again. I moved back to my parents, and they started selling the house. I felt like I was a teenager again.

A few weeks later we met, and he proposed to be together, but not to get married, which really surprised me. It turned out that he called off the wedding because he didn’t want children, but I did. He never said why it became such a big problem on the wedding day. But eventually we lost touch. Now, 6 years later, I started dating again. What happened is already far in the past, and it doesn’t hurt so much anymore. I recently told a new friend about this and realized it was actually just a great anecdote. I can even laugh at this.

I am a widow, my son is almost a teenager. Currently I’m working, I’m a qualified specialist, I’m earning good money, alhamdulillah, but after marriage, I think I won’t work (I’m tired of being a hard worker, and I also want to be a woman).

We live together with our son. Loneliness is not the best companion for a woman. And, of course, there is an intention to get married. On a recommendation, I met a brother in faith.

Communication was only by telephone. They talked almost exclusively on the topic: a look at nicknames, who counts on what, how they roughly see their family life. Everything seemed fine. He offered me nikkah, I agreed, we exchanged photos. The last time we even discussed the fact that after Nikah I would not work (this was a common desire), and in general we talked about our future life together, and discussed an approximate date. And we agreed to meet in front of witnesses the other day to discuss the little things: how and where to pick up the bride, that is, me, etc. I live far from my parents, so I had to warn them in advance to come. In general, everything was fine.

What's the problem, exactly? My fiancé is missing. That is, he does not call, does not write, he is generally silent. After waiting a week, I wrote him an SMS asking about his health (I needed and wanted to somehow explain his absence). The answer is silence. I have such a big question mark in my soul: WHAT was that? And most importantly - WHY? And the worst thing is that I already told my mother, she was getting ready to go on the road.

I had to call her and cancel. Through mutual friends, I carefully found out that he was fine, alive, healthy and even quite well-fed, as they say. That is, he has the means and opportunities to communicate. Now I don’t understand and it hurts. I am not a freak, not a cripple, alhamdulillah, the past does not spoil my reputation, that is, I do not see any obvious reasons for the sudden refusal. My son and I don’t have any special material problems and we don’t have any mercantile goals, which he is aware of. I am not going to solve my problems at someone else’s expense and have never tried. And even if a man suddenly changes his mind, I think that it is necessary to warn him and talk. But to remain silent like that is cowardice. So what should I do now? There is no resentment, because in life anything is possible, but there is bewilderment and pain. Tell me what to do.

Answer:

From a religious point of view:

Muslim law prohibits communication, as well as seclusion, between men and women who are not mahrams (i.e., not close relatives, marriage between whom is prohibited according to Sharia) and who are not in a Muslim marriage unless absolutely necessary. The hadith of the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) reads: “ Let no man and woman be alone, for truly the third among them will be Satan "(Jamiul-Ahadith, No. 17646).

لايخلون رجل بامرأة فإن الشيطان ثالثهما

And even communication by telephone, Internet or other means of communication is prohibited if vicious thoughts arise during communication.

One can only guess about the reasons for this behavior. Perhaps he never had serious intentions towards you, maybe he is already married and was afraid that your relationship would be revealed, or maybe... The most effective way to find out the reason for such an action is to talk to him, ask him himself. However, this should be done in a permitted way, for example, in the presence of your mahram or girlfriend.

Pray to the Almighty for forgiveness for what you have done and ask to give you a man with good character and strong faith. Know that by observing the religion of the Almighty, avoiding the forbidden and following the prescribed and praiseworthy, you will receive the pleasure of the Almighty. And the one with whom the Creator Himself is pleased will never be a loser.

From a psychological point of view:

The first thing I notice in your letter is your desire to organize everything in accordance with the rules of Sharia. This is very good and commendable. No matter what happens in your life, the main thing is not to stray from the path of truth and not to go against your own views.

Now regarding your problem. First, you need to pay attention to the motives that guided you and which led you to this situation. Obviously, the main reason for what happened is your feeling of loneliness, a feeling of being lost. You cannot allow your desire to escape loneliness to connect you with a person who is not quite suitable. It often happens that we place our hopes on a basis that is not entirely correct and in some cases we overestimate the qualities of the person for whom we are making plans. This is the most important idea to learn.

One can only speculate regarding his behavior. To begin with, give up looking for the reason for his disappearance in your own appearance, do not blame yourself, but at the same time maintain your own responsibility. It is not at all possible that he behaved this way because of your excessive activity. There is a type of man who is potentially not ready to get married, but acts as if he is looking for a wife. Representatives of this type of men are mistaken themselves and mislead others. It is possible that you have become a victim of just such a case. If this is so, then you also need to rejoice that the Almighty saved you from a not entirely responsible person.

The danger is that after such incidents, some women begin to feel insecure and feel somewhat humiliated. Throw these thoughts away and don't return to them. Your desire to find happiness should in no case lead you in an unknown direction and lead to placing your hopes on unsuitable people.

Be sure that yours will not pass you by anyway, it will find you on its own.

Further. It is important to analyze your agreement with this person on how your role behavior and family priorities will be distributed. On the one hand, this is good - in the sense that you specify key points in advance. But even here there are pitfalls that you need to be aware of. Some of the danger of such agreements lies in the fact that in practice it is impossible to implement everything planned; there always remains a degree of uncertainty. And if there was a certain agreement, its implementation becomes impossible, then in some cases this gives another reason for mutual claims. In the future, you should clearly know that there are more negatives than positives in the detailed agreement on how you will live together. There is a chance that they will tell you what you want to hear. Limit yourself to general, principled positions and do not force events, give them the opportunity to calmly unfold.

Muhammad-Amin - Haji Magomedrasulov
theologian

Aliaskhab Anatolyevich Murzaev
Psychologist-consultant at the Center for Social Assistance to Family and Children

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Question for a psychologist:

Hello. My name is Tatyana, I'm 23 years old. We dated a young man (22 years old) for 2 years, not everything went smoothly, we tried to break up, but not for long. Then we simply analyzed the situations and tried not to repeat the mistakes. We didn’t see him very often, because we were both busy, we couldn’t live together either, because it was expensive. We lived in different hostels, and just visited each other. And after one of these situations, when we tried to break up, he said that he would never let me go again and wanted to connect his life with me. Introduced me to my best friend. This was in January. Then our relationship changed significantly, everything became almost perfect, he confirmed his words every time, we did various pleasant things to each other. Then he proposed to me, from that moment on everything was fabulous in the relationship. We introduced our parents, they were happy, and they submitted an application. He was preparing for the wedding with such pleasure... I saw the sparkle in his eyes, he said how much he loved me, almost carried me in his arms, proudly introduced me as his bride. I began to visit him almost every night. This lasted 3 months. At the penultimate meeting at my parents’ house, he even called me his wife and showed my mother the rings he bought. Everything was already ready for the wedding, we were planning our future lives, I even agreed with my hostel to put us in a family block. And now there were 2 weeks left before the wedding, he left for a couple of days on business. Did not call. At first I thought, okay, maybe I’m just busy, especially since it happened before that he didn’t call for several days. He returned, offered to meet and said that there would be no wedding, that in these couple of days he realized that he did not love me and did not see me as his wife. At the same time, he looked completely confused and devastated. Afterwards he did not answer calls, only once, he confirmed what was said. I didn’t learn anything new through my friends and brothers, he told them the same thing. I can’t imagine how this could happen, we didn’t even quarrel. It’s very difficult, even though more than a week has passed, it hasn’t gotten any easier. I love him very much, I can’t let him go, but I understand that I have no choice. I distract myself as best I can. It's so disgusting at heart. What do i do? How to cope with mental pain, understand, forgive? How to find the incentive to live on? It seems to me that I will soon go crazy... And also, everyone knew that we were getting married, how to tell people, how to avoid questions?

Psychologist Ksenia Vadimovna Kondaurova answers the question.

Hello, dear Tatyana. I want to express my sincere sympathy to you. It hurts when a loved one leaves. It hurts even more when he leaves suddenly and unconditionally.

Tatyana, your pain is complicated by the fact that the gap in the form in which it occurred has many side effects, so to speak. If it weren't for them, it would be much easier for you. What are these effects? Of course, this is a feeling of abandonment. When we are told that they no longer want to continue a relationship with us, this is accompanied by a painful blow to self-esteem. It seems that we are not full-fledged people if someone can do this to us. Just get rid of it when the need for us is gone, that’s all. It is important not to give in to this feeling, not to believe in it. Don't feel like a victim. If one of the partners is not satisfied with something and for some reason he cannot construct your joint reality in such a way as to get rid of his dissatisfaction, the relationship is doomed. He just realized it earlier. And who knows, maybe sooner is better than late?

I don’t know if this will reassure you, but a huge number of couples do not reach the registry office after submitting an application. Marriage is an important milestone in a person’s life and it makes you think and rethink a lot. Perhaps, if you had not decided to get married, your ex-fiancé never rethought his life, and you would have dated for several more years, wasting your life in a relationship that was going nowhere.

There is another factor in your breakup - this is the reaction of loved ones. Are you asking how to avoid questions? No way. Is it possible to immediately indicate: “yes, this happened, but I don’t want to discuss anything yet, you understand.” People will understand, I assure you. Of course, Tatyana, you don’t want to be pitied, you don’t want to be pathetic, that’s why you don’t want to tell people. But, believe me, among those to whom you tell everything, there will be people who are ready not only to gloat, but also to provide human support. And you will feel better from this support. You will understand that you are not alone and life is not over.

You were with this person for two years. It’s not surprising that your life revolved around him and now you don’t know what to live for next. But somehow you lived before meeting him. And when he left you lived. The pain will pass, since it is impossible to live at the peak of emotions all the time, you will feel better and then you can begin to find your true self. After all, we often forget about our real selves in relationships. From I+I we turn into WE. Tatyana, remember this I, your individuality. get to know yourself again. Be aware of your desires, desires, fears, dreams. This is how you can find new meaning in your life.

Just let this meaning be inside you, and not outside. When we make another person the meaning of our lives, we put ourselves in danger. After all, a person can leave us. But you are here forever. Rating 4.38 (8 Votes)

This is a perfect example of how jokes are not always appropriate. A Chinese bride wanted to see if her groom really loved her. She chose the worst of the “tests” and decided to make a surprise right during the wedding photo shoot.

The bride arrives for a photo shoot, but her face looks like the face of an old lady.

King Kao, 26, from Shenzhen, China, began to look like a 50-year-old woman, with gray streaks in her hair and makeup to match, revealing a wrinkled, aged face. This was supposedly part of a test to see if the man she was going to marry would still love her even if she looked like she was 50 years old.

This was an attempt to test his feelings, but, unfortunately, this joke was not to his liking.

Unfortunately, Guo Chin, the groom, didn't find anything funny about it. Things went south when the couple started arguing and shouting at each other in the middle of a street in Shenzhen. Curious passersby gathered around them and began filming and taking photos while the two argued over their appearance.

He asked her to remove her makeup. But she insisted that she would not do this.

Witnesses claimed that the groom asked the girl to take off her makeup, which the girl did not want to agree to. She said that if he loves her after 50 years, appearance should not be a problem for him if they are together many years later, when they are already old.

The future spouses began arguing and shouting in the middle of the street.

When the groom realized that there was no point in arguing and that she would get her way, the guy was disappointed in his choice, threw his glasses on the ground, jumped into a taxi and drove off, leaving Kao crying right on the street.

Realizing that further relationships did not make sense, the groom left and canceled the wedding.

Passers-by said they were shocked by what they saw; the “old bride,” shedding tears, waited for the groom for several minutes. After waiting fruitlessly, she got into another taxi and went home.

What do you think about it? Did she deserve this? Did the guy go too far?