SvetlanaKonovalova

Good afternoon. I am concerned that my relationship with my husband has gone beyond what is normal, respectful and kind. Serious noisy altercations and showdowns arose several times. He doesn’t want to give in on any issue, he understood “me for himself” and sets a condition: either I follow him, do as he says, or I’m free and get a divorce.

SvetlanaKonovalova

Good afternoon I've been married for a year. As a result of the consultation, I would like to figure out what’s wrong, why I can’t build a conflict-free relationship with my husband. And the further I go, the more life shows that conflicts intensify, and life becomes more unbearable, that I am forced to make a decision and run away from the relationship.

I am 39 years old. We met my future husband when I was 37 and he was 44 years old.

Svetlana, hello! Have you been able to build satisfying relationships with other men? And if the couple’s opinions did not coincide, how was it all resolved?

What do you know about how his previous relationships developed?

44 years old is not 22 in terms of flexibility, of course.

SvetlanaKonovalova

Good afternoon. I was able to build satisfying relationships with other men, but not completely: after some time, interpersonal conflicts arose, where they tried to criticize me, put me in my place, suppress, point out, teach, force the other to listen to the end, force me to agree if I objected, etc.

When men and I didn’t have the same opinions, I stuck to my guns, and the man always tried to prove to me that he was right or to suppress me. Due to the fact that I could not agree and deceive myself, I began to persist and in the end it came down to shouting, bad words and scandals. Unfortunately, I know my husband's previous relationship history. He was married from the age of 22, and lived in marriage for 7 years. He met his wife through a Christian center; she turned out to be his classmate. They got married because many started families. They gave birth to 3 children. Divorced at 29. From the very beginning, he spoke critically and negatively about his wife, although sometimes he emphasized the positive. He said that she didn’t love him, that she wanted money from him and to provide for her family, a normal apartment or house. He accused her of selfishness and female human meanness. That they say all women are the same, they cannot solve problems, they cannot interact correctly with a man so that everything works out for him, they ruin everything with their feminine language. He “taught” her, sometimes he slapped her, I know that he hit her on the back. In court, she indicated that he raised his hand against her and earned little money.

When he talked about his mother, he immediately said that he had a strained relationship with her. He said disrespectfully that she drove him away from her and drank. That at the age of 2, when his father died, she left him with the parents of the deceased husband, and she returned to her mother with her eldest son, that is, she abandoned him, she loved the eldest more, according to him. With love and respect he remembers only his maternal grandmother, who raised him, who, he believes, was fair and hardworking, and raised her grandchildren.

If we rely on your story, then your husband has a childhood relationship with a violation of attachment, with his mother’s rejection - physical and emotional.
He learned a bitter lesson from childhood and “carries” it from relationship to relationship. On the one hand, he really needs a Woman. Fair and hardworking, like a grandmother.
On the other hand, he may be inclined to interpret any female actions as manipulation and rejection. This may not actually be the case. But it doesn’t matter anymore, because he perceived it that way. And he reacted to this with harshness and authority.
Does it look like it, Svetlana?

Do you see patterns in your relationships?

SvetlanaKonovalova

Yes, it’s very likely that this is true about my husband. About myself - I have one problem and it comes from childhood. I still have a grudge against my father for his actions towards me and our children: he, smart, handsome, strong, in office, but raised his hand at me and my sisters, put me in the corner, gave slaps, slaps on the back of the head, did not listen to explanations, sometimes accused unfairly, punished, forbade something.

I was also impressed by the fact that a person could tolerate something childish for a long time, and then abruptly shout and forcefully stop what was happening overnight. This is what is constantly running through my head: the use of force and the violation of my boundaries. I can't get out of this.

Defending herself, she turned into a real warrior, defending her boundaries if they were once crossed. That's probably why men fight with me. The pattern in my relationships is precisely this: standing up for one’s rights, which men do not tolerate and cross my boundaries far and wide. They call me argumentative, stubborn, unyielding, my last husband says that I don’t understand him, that is, I don’t do everything the way he wants and tells me that I always do everything my own way. He also notes that I don’t listen and interrupt him or just insert my comments, which “he” doesn’t need, and that this is also disrespectful to him.

And he also forces me to apologize for my actions that were not coordinated with him, for example, he put out the dumplings to cook them, they stood for a long time and so as not to melt, I put them in the refrigerator, but I didn’t tell him about it and didn’t ask his opinion. Because of this, my husband made a scandal and said that I did not respect him.

It seems to me that being in a situation similar to yours as a child creates a certain emotional background in life. And it really does create a person with good boundaries - in the best possible outcome. I can imagine how much work you put into this.

What do you see as your problem now? I don’t fully understand - is it about the fact that you have boundaries, or about “exceeding defense”?

I think this option can be considered. It is not men who fight because you are such a debater and fighter. And for some reason you choose men who cannot help but fight, not raise their hands, not challenge any action.

Where will the man “explode” this time? Will it be dumplings or something else? Maybe you will turn to him with a request when he decides to speak, and thereby interrupt him terribly, outrageously? At what point will his anger discharge towards you? Doesn't this situation remind you of your relationship with your dad?

SvetlanaKonovalova

Yes... in order to hide and calm down my grievances, feeling like a defenseless person, I decided to “build up” my muscles. Well, perhaps we need to demonstrate them to someone? In particular, specific men. In my understanding, men are just strong and sharp people (after all, they must have strength), businesslike and active. And if there are any disagreements, I must defend my position. In my head, initially defending my positions had the idea of ​​a cultural conversation, of arguments and mutual understanding. But for some reason, life brought me to very negative manifestations of men, and here cultural words are laughed at by chickens.

Therefore, I violated cultural boundaries in my indignation and, to my regret, crossed this line myself. Yes, I understood that I was crossing the line and that a woman shouldn’t behave like that, but the main thing is that I defended myself, even though I’m scared to “wipe” words like that with a man and not only that. What do I see as my problem now? It seems to me that I do not correctly resolve issues of disagreement with men: I start to get angry, and then argue, after which, if we do not come to a common opinion, we begin to fight over who will win. Usually there are no winners. I can now see similar behavior in my father (he passed away recently, may he rest in heaven). I’ve noticed irascibility, disintegration and a reluctance to stop in cathedrals before. I don’t know how to get away from this and what to replace it with, since then my support and built-up defense will collapse... And I also have a problem that despite my defense, since a man is stronger, I often still find myself in a situation victims...

This is so offensive and painful... Yes, we can agree that it turns out that I choose not calm and reasonable men, but rather dominant debaters. The situation is similar to the situation with the father. But I don’t know what to do and how to get out of it. I tried to forgive. The mind forgives, but the heart is still afraid. Since my father’s behavior was unpredictable and often incomprehensible to me. You are absolutely right about the fact that you don’t know what to expect from an angry man - where and at what point he will explode in relation to me!!! I thought about this too. But I couldn’t find any arguments to just leave him like that. I was still waiting and waiting for something, changes for the better... Mom always asks me only one question: why are you so fearless? Aren't you afraid that they will do something to you? And I don’t know what to answer. Everything seems clear, but I’m stuck on the brakes.

Perhaps you are right that all situations are similar to defending your dignity with your father and I choose men for myself with whom I cannot communicate calmly - everyone has the inclination to “waving” with words and fists. But how can you calm down and find this support point within yourself?

Cultural clarifications end where all sorts of emotional “unfinished projects” begin.
Then the person seems to fall into the situation and is drawn along the usual rails. This applies to repeated conflicts and ossified habits. It helps, at a minimum, to notice in time and stop yourself in your automatism.

Dad's forgiveness cannot be achieved through an effort of will. Yes, forgiveness and gratitude are an important part of life. These are the feelings of good completion. But these are feelings that come on their own after some work done. When they come, you will simply feel them.

But for now, try to understand what you didn’t get with dad. What should a man say or do to you? How will you understand that you managed to defend your dignity? When answering this question, try to listen to your heart and your wildest fantasies.

SvetlanaKonovalova

I didn’t receive it with my dad:
1) to the end of mutual understanding: I wanted my father, knowing me, to trust me. He took into account and understood my characteristics as a person, in particular, that I can do something for a long time, would not rush or push me through life, but would take this into account or simply note it out loud, but without unnecessary judgment and without getting angry with me. It often seemed to me that if they left me alone and allowed me to do as much and as much as I could, then I would not feel so nervous and irritated.
2) clarity on how to relate to myself, in particular, what is needed for dad to consider me just a good person, despite my mistakes, and to let me understand this, how to love myself in his presence.

I will understand that I managed to defend my dignity if they treat me with respect, that is, without any critical assessments, kindly, accepting me for who I am.
I have always pushed men to do this in our relationships. For me this is a kind of indicator. All breakups with men were mainly due to a feeling of violation of my dignity. In fact, I do not forgive insults. That’s why I leave, although initially I give the person a chance to calculate everything differently, but as a rule, this is useless.

Of course, I understand that people have their own perception of me and the world, and they are not obliged to perceive only as I see fit, but I am ready to communicate with those who are adequate and friendly, and not critical, negative in their assessments and create unpleasant situations in communication. I’m not against “healthy” criticism, but as a rule, people get carried away and get carried away.

I know what a man should tell me and do in order to avoid conflicts: just accept me without judgment, criticism or conditions! And issues can be resolved through calm negotiations. And even if I can’t understand something now, give me time, and not impose conditions. As soon as they begin to put me into some kind of framework, relationships and sincerity are violated, I understand that they do not understand me, they insist on their own and do not want to make concessions to me, as a result there is no interaction, because I find myself in a situation of pressure.

My husband initially set quite clear demands. I generally agreed with him. But in particular, he looked at me and concluded that I did not fully meet his requirements. Further, I was told: either I will try to be even more friendly, kinder, not talk much, run the household, not object or argue, think only positively, tune in and be in unity with him (anticipate his desires and actions, otherwise he is dissatisfied , if I repeat something of what he told me, or clarify), it is advisable in the future to leave work and take care of things around the house, be an assistant and a faithful companion, or nothing will work out for us. I tried to live in this program, but I didn’t think that there would be such consequences if something suddenly went wrong. The man had already kicked me out and driven me away many times, although he himself stopped me with the words “if you leave, you will never come back here again.” But he did not keep his word, he took a detour, so to speak, to teach me how to live. Blames me for the loss of his vitality. This is, of course, a blight on my dignity.

I don’t understand why it’s impossible to peacefully and calmly discuss, weigh and live as we should, or let me go peacefully, and not call my mother with the words of the manager, “take your daughter with her things, we’re getting a divorce,” and then ask me a few hours later forgiveness, call my mother with the words “you will forgive me and Svetik, we are wrong and weird.” Why teach and educate for yourself? Give me a chance if I don’t fit into his image? Why can’t we go one step higher and perceive everything as it is? Calmly let go in case of discrepancies.

Svetlana, good afternoon.
When I read about your expectations, I thought about what voice you use to pronounce them, with what intonation.
We are deprived of the opportunity to hear in a text consultation. But I had a fantasy that you sounded like a confident, mature and intelligent woman, an interesting conversationalist.

You will have to redo a lot in yourself, saw off and remove it in order to become a good wife for your husband.

After all, the image that your husband “orders” is a good mother through the eyes of a baby. An accepting, supportive, unobtrusive fairy from a fairy tale.
If a woman behaves wrong, then remove this evil witch and return the fairy to me.

Why can’t we go one step higher and perceive everything as it is? Calmly let go in case of discrepancies.

Can you always do this in a relationship?
The question is not meant to reproach. Just get in touch with his experience through your own experience. Your ways of building relationships are somewhat similar.

SvetlanaKonovalova

Svetlana, thank you for your answer. Unfortunately, my husband and I are separating. He behaved unyieldingly. First of all, he spoke out against my mother, who, after the death of my father, was confused and did not know what to do with the property. Since her husband was actively helping with business at the time, she shared with him that she could sell the dacha, but she didn’t have the strength to do it. He seized the conversation as the basis for his actions, since we do not live in our own private house and there is not even a normal registration in this city. He began discussing with his other brothers-in-law the topic of selling the dacha and garage, and began taking photographs of the dacha for sale. Mom, having learned about this, called him and told him why he was doing this without her permission, why he began to discuss these issues without her, to which he said that he had the right to discuss, he was a family member and a man, and she herself allowed him to do this. Mom replied that she forbade him to do this. That he is not going to sell anything at the moment. He pointed out to her that I needed help with loans and housing. Mom then hurt him with the phrase: how much did you help her yourself? (My husband did not have a permanent job for a year; he only recently acquired one, having studied for the category of passenger transportation. Therefore, the main expenses, taking into account my loans, were borne by me, plus my parents and sisters helped.) To which the husband got angry and said that more will not go to help everyone. He spoke to his mother in the genre: “Now listen to me, I will speak.” To which my mother objected, and he hung up. Mom was of course upset. She is 63 years old. And then she had a heart attack, which she managed to prevent, since she is a doctor. My husband tried to talk to my other son-in-law, but he said that without our mother’s decision he would not do anything financially. My husband cut him off from his friends, considering himself perfect. He changed his attitude towards my mother, began to shower him with criticism - in front of me. We had a big fight. He screamed about divorce and for me to leave his life. I scared the dog by grabbing it with my hands and shouting that it would turn away its head and the kitten I had recently rescued. He tore my flower with roots out of the flowerpot and threw it, broken, into the garden. The dog growled at him and bared its teeth. He treated me badly. I called my mom and told them to send a car for me and take my things. And 3 hours later, tired of quarreling and drinking, he came up to me and said, as I was sitting on my things and waiting for the car, that he loved us and didn’t want a divorce. I didn’t leave him that evening. He called his mother to say, forgive us for being fools. That's all. Mom told him that she was waiting for me to join her. At this point they finally parted ways with each other. I couldn’t explain to him anymore that you can’t fight against your elders, especially if you’re a man. He concluded that I should go live with my mother, since I listen to my mother and his idea about “brotherly help” in material terms has not reached anyone. In general, he is the steering wheel and the basis, all the rest are fools. So I have to go to another city to pick up my things and the kitten, quit my job and return to my mother. Here's the story.

SvetlanaKonovalova

Thank you very much, Svetlana. You helped me take a little break from focusing on a negative situation. To understand more deeply what is happening to me. Feel important directions, including moral and logical ones (so as not to torment yourself, in particular, where are the boundaries of kindness and friendliness, what is the clarity, boundary and limit of the requirements set by the husband). I really liked your exact comparison with the image of a fairy and a mother for a baby. Exactly! But I was still accused of being a bad housewife as soon as a dog and a cat lay on my shoulders. I don’t take care of my husband, I stopped managing and paying attention. If your wife is not a fairy, get rid of the evil witch urgently and return the fairy!!! 5+! Yesterday, after his request to put money on the phone and my refusal to do this because of his destructive accusatory speeches towards my mother (I asked to apologize), he confirmed his intention to separate and get a divorce. Like, that's enough, guys, I was friends with you, and now that's enough, that's enough. Well, today I answered on the phone in a distant voice: “Hello.” I need to go to another city, quit my job, take my things and the kitten and live in his house for several days. Like this.

Svetlana, you are going through a very difficult period! So it all worked out, yes. Are you considering the option of staying in a hotel?

Happiness to you in the future, health to your mother and warm hands to the kitten!

PS. I wanted to say one more thing, something that was running through my head throughout the entire consultation. There are such parameters in relationships - self-criticism and the ability to take responsibility for one’s actions. You said to yourself that your character was not simple, you like to argue. This is what criticality is. This is an indicator of maturity - when a person can look at himself from all sides.

And it is precisely this understanding, so good and mature, that sometimes becomes the subject of manipulation in relationships. The partner says - you’re irritable, you’re obstinate, you like to control. But a person knows all this about himself, because he is critical of himself. And it’s easy for him to agree with this - yes, I’m irritable; yes, there are many of me. And this is a reason to somehow get away, shrink, and give way to someone else. This is how the manipulation works.

Divorce always brings negative emotions, worries and a lot of problems. Spouses are having a hard time with the separation. But the situation becomes doubly difficult if there are children together. In this case, conflicts often arise. It’s good if the spouses find a common language, and in order to avoid trauma to the child’s psyche, they calmly resolve the issue concerning the future fate of the children. What should a woman do if her husband threatens to take away the child during a divorce? Let's talk in more detail about how to get out of the conflict with dignity, without hurting the baby's feelings.

Causes of the conflict situation

Why do situations arise when children suffer when two adults divorce? Most often the reasons are the following:

love leaves, and with it everything positive that was between husband and wife;

a dispute begins about the residence of common children and their further education;

The husband is not satisfied with the court decision, which made a proposal for the children to live with their mother. He also doesn’t like the fact that time for meetings with his offspring is limited;

the wife has a new partner.

Often, despite the court decision, fathers begin to threaten their ex-wives. Anything can be used as a manipulator. It’s scary when children become a toy, a thing in solving divorce cases. The final argument in the dispute is the husband’s threat to take the children away.

Can a father take away his children during a divorce?

During a divorce, should a wife be afraid of her ex-husband’s threats when they concern their common child? This is possible in the following cases and is enshrined in law:

• the mother does not take proper care of the children (feeds them poorly, refuses to care for them);
• the woman leads an antisocial lifestyle (drinks, uses drugs, runs hangouts at home, does not go to work);
• the wife beats the children and forces them to beg for money from passers-by.

The court may decide not in favor of the mother, also under the following circumstances:

• wife's shift work schedule or work involving business trips;
• unbalanced character of the mother (constant hysterics, aggressive behavior);
• unfavorable living conditions for children;
• The children themselves refuse to live with their mother.

In all other cases of divorce, minor children most often remain to live with their mother. The father can visit the children at a time established by the court or at a time agreed upon with the ex-wife.

In some conflict families, the husband talks about divorce every time there is a quarrel. This is a kind of manipulation, a desire to stay in the family by any means necessary. It is understandable that a woman is afraid to be left alone, especially if she has children together. She needs to cope with everyday and financial issues, which is difficult if she is left without a husband. The husband is counting on this and constantly talks about divorce.

If the family situation has become so tense that divorce becomes the only right decision, try to calmly discuss the issue of children with your husband. Explain that if you take the baby with you, he will have little time left to devote to his upbringing. Mothers are more patient when it comes to helping them study or solving any children's problems.

An important issue in raising and maintaining a child is proper nutrition. Not every man can cook healthy and tasty food. Here you can’t get by with a pack of dumplings or semi-finished products from the store.

It is important to give children enough attention. When your husband constantly threatens you with divorce and manipulates your children, try to give him a reasonable explanation that this is unacceptable. Often quarrels with threats indicate the husband’s indecisiveness. In this way he tries to hide his inadequacy. But you can't tell him about it. In any conflict situation, insults and threats must be avoided.

If a husband threatens divorce, and at the same time beats his wife and children, call the police. Such a marriage is already doomed. It is advisable to find witnesses who will confirm cases of scandals in your family. Be sure to request the drawing up of reports when calling the police. They will come in handy in case of litigation.

If calm conversations do not help your husband calm down, then try leaving with the children for a short time. You can stay with your parents, live with a friend. It is possible that your spouse will calm down and stop showering you with threats. When all the actions taken do not have the desired result, then you should really think about divorce.

If a husband threatens his already middle-aged wife with divorce and taking away the child, this should not be taken seriously. He can justify his claims by his wife's age. But all these are just threats and blackmail. If the mother fully copes with her parental responsibilities, then the court will leave the children with her to raise. And her age has absolutely no meaning.

Think about the future of children

Constant quarrels in the family, increased aggressiveness of both parents are not the best option for setting a worthy example for children. Even if you don't get along with your husband, try to resolve controversial issues, avoiding the presence of the baby.

It happens that after threats, the husband actually takes the child away to an unknown direction. In such a situation, you should immediately contact the police. Important: it is necessary to fight for the well-being and peace of mind of your children only with the help of appropriate laws. Properly fill out all statements submitted to the police. It is possible that they will be useful in court during a divorce.

Children love their parents equally. Do not allow a situation where your son or daughter is faced with a choice - father or mother. Don't tear his psyche apart. Children often transfer the family atmosphere into their future lives when they themselves begin to build relationships.

A woman must understand that even after a divorce, the baby still needs a father. She should not prevent children from meeting their dad. This can be discussed either independently, having come to a certain decision, or in court. When the children turn 5, the court gives permission to the father to take them away on weekends.

If the husband often drinks alcohol in immoderate quantities and does not fulfill his obligations to the children when he is with them, then these points must be recorded by the police and then submitted to the court for consideration.

Probably every girl faces the problem of being overweight? After all, sometimes it’s not easy to lose weight, look slim and beautiful, or trim your sides or belly. Diets don’t help, you don’t have the strength or desire to go to the gym, or it doesn’t bring tangible results.

What to do if the husband wants to take the child away during a divorce?

If your husband threatens to take the child away after a divorce, then you should not immediately panic. He definitely won’t be able to just take and keep the child, since this will require an appropriate court decision, and for its issuance there will be an impressive number of compelling reasons.

Despite the equal rights of both parents in relation to the child, judicial practice in the Russian Federation is almost unambiguous - the vast majority of all divorces in the presence of children end in leaving the child with the mother.

Cases where a child remains on the basis of a court decision after a divorce from his father are quite rare and are associated with a number of exceptional circumstances.

When can a child stay with his father?

The father has every chance of keeping the child in the following cases:

• Immoral behavior of the child’s mother in everyday life: dissolute lifestyle, alcoholism or drug addiction, unwillingness to provide for the child;
• Deprivation of mother's parental rights;
• Illegal (and documented!) behavior of the mother towards the child - beatings, evasion of her duties, leaving her in danger, etc.,
• Lack of proper conditions for living and raising a child: lack of permanent income, lack of living space, unsanitary or unsuitable premises for living;
• The conclusion of a forensic psychological and psychiatric examination about the child’s attachment to his father, or the clearly expressed opinion of a child who has reached the age of 10 about the desire to stay with his father.

If none of the listed signs are present in a particular situation, then the child’s mother should not be afraid of her husband’s threats - the court will almost never leave the child with him.

An additional guarantee of leaving the child with the mother will be the age of the baby - children of preschool age are transferred to the father only in the most exceptional cases.

Read more about who children stay with after divorce in a separate publication.

If the husband threatens to take the child - procedure

In cases where the child’s father is determined and regularly makes threats that he will take the child after a divorce, it is recommended to act as follows:

• Under no circumstances should you provoke unnecessary conflicts by completely withdrawing from negative communication. Postpone all questions about the upbringing and maintenance of children until the court hearing in the divorce case or enter into a notarial agreement about the children.
• If you make aggressive threats, including promises to kidnap a child, or if you have any fears that they will be carried out, contact law enforcement agencies, preferably backing up what you say with witness testimony, as well as an audio or video recording of the threats.
• When considering a divorce case and determining the child’s place of residence, focus the court’s attention on the fact of threats, and if there was an appeal to law enforcement agencies regarding this fact, ask that this information be included in the case.
• After a court decision in your favor, limit the father’s communication with the child to a minimum until the judicial act enters into legal force.
• If there are conflicts caused by the order of communication between the father and the child, resolve the issue of establishing the order and duration of communication between the ex-husband and the minor through the court. In this case, it is strongly recommended to contact a lawyer.

Very often, from men acting on emotions, you can hear threats that they will be able to bribe the court or give a bribe to guardianship officials, experts and other participants in the process of determining the place of residence of the child. Don’t worry - even if there are any corrupt connections with key figures in the process, the child’s father can theoretically win the court of first instance by skillfully falsifying the facts, but only a well-drafted appeal and subsequent consideration of the case by a higher court will reduce his victory to a minimum. Contact a lawyer early if you feel you may lose your case.

Can a father keep a child after a divorce illegally?

Very often, the trial to determine the place of residence of a child, especially if it involves a divorce in the presence of children, turns into a natural battle to the death. If there are no legal grounds for leaving a child with the father, the man uses all possible methods, including immoral and outright illegal.

Witnesses are invited to the court who give slanderous testimony against the child’s mother, incriminating her in an immoral lifestyle or reporting other negative facts. It is important to convey to the court an indication of the fact of a close family or friendly relationship between the child’s father and the invited witness, and also to focus on the absence of evidence other than unsubstantiated words.

A counter-argument to the statement of witnesses about the child’s mother’s alcohol abuse, for example, can be certificates and characteristics of the district police officer or street committee at the place of residence.

Fictitious expert opinion on child attachment

Alas, in our time there was and remains a small, but still real chance of finding a corrupt way to contact an expert and obtaining a fictitious conclusion. It is important to choose for conducting the examination only state-owned or expert institutions with extensive experience, in which the risk of corruption on experts will be minimal.

IMPORTANT: If the court selects an institution at the request of the child’s father and receives a conclusion in his favor without sufficient grounds, be sure to insist on a repeat examination in another institution.

“Bribing” a child’s loyalty

If the mother has financial difficulties, and the father has free funds, then very often he begins to literally shower the child with gifts, things, gadgets, spend as much time as possible with him, allowing anything and everything, and, in fact, bribes the child’s loyalty. This trick is especially easy with minors going through adolescence.

It is logical that in this case the mother quickly becomes almost an enemy for the minor, as a result of which the child at the trial declares his desire to live with his father. In this case, it is necessary to conduct a comprehensive psychological and psychiatric examination, as a result of which experts can easily establish the impact on the child.

How to protect yourself from abuse by your husband

In this article, we have reviewed only an approximate list of possible negative steps of a spouse who has decided to keep the child after a divorce at all costs.

In all these cases, the assistance of an experienced lawyer who can easily cope with such problems and help protect both the interests of the mother and the interests of the child is highly desirable.

In particular, the mother of a child whom her husband is trying to take away will have to face the following problems:

• Drawing up claims and objections in cases of determining the place of residence of a child and (or) establishing a procedure for communication with him;
• Collection of evidence in the case;
• Protecting your interests in court;
• Appealing a court decision not in favor of the mother.

Experienced lawyers on our site, if necessary, will help overcome all these difficulties in cases of divorce in the presence of children and provide free legal advice on the most complex and important issues.

• Due to constant changes in legislation, regulations and judicial practice, sometimes we do not have time to update the information on the site
• In 90% of cases, your legal problem is individual, so independent protection of rights and basic options for resolving the situation may often not be suitable and will only lead to a more complicated process!

Therefore, contact our lawyer for a FREE consultation right now and get rid of problems in the future!

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What to do if your ex-spouse threatens to take your child away?

Home » Divorce » Children » What to do if your ex-spouse threatens to take your child away?

During a divorce, the question of raising children always arises. Who will the children stay with and who will raise them? Former spouses begin to sort things out, not realizing that all this has a negative impact on the children. In order to take revenge on their ex-wife, many try in every possible way to take the child to their upbringing.

Conflict situations during divorce with children

Only some former spouses manage to resolve issues of raising a joint child peacefully upon divorce.

All the good moments of a happy married life are immediately forgotten, the child and his full upbringing fade into the background. There is resentment, pain, a thirst for revenge and to prove one’s superiority.

It is very good when the ex-husband continues to communicate with the child by mutual agreement with the mother. He can meet and educate at any time, the main thing is that it is for the benefit of the child himself.

But this is only ideal. In reality, everything is completely different.

Former spouses cannot and do not want to find a common language in matters of raising and communicating with children. They are not satisfied with the time and order of meetings, games, and communication. They threaten each other, causing mental suffering.

Read how to file for divorce through State Services here.

In such situations, there is only one way out - a trial with the participation of interested parties and representatives of government bodies. The judge needs to make the right decision on the future fate of the minor, taking into account all the interests regarding the comprehensive and harmonious development of the child.

Can a husband take a child away from its mother?

In Art. 80 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation establishes the responsibilities of parents for the maintenance of their minor children.

The father can deprive the mother of communication with the child only in exceptional cases:

• the child periodically walks around dirty and hungry;
• the mother abuses alcoholic beverages, drugs, leads a depraved and immoral lifestyle;
• The child is in real danger.

The above grounds are grounds for depriving the mother of parental rights and rights of communication with the child.

The judge will also, upon the application of interested parties, be able to take the child away from the mother in the following cases:

• the ex-wife has no real place of income and sources of livelihood;
• unfavorable conditions for the child’s permanent residence;
• the mother has mental problems and behaves inappropriately;
• the child does not want to be near the mother and feels discomfort.

The judge must analyze the entire essence of the case and make a lawful decision for the benefit of the child.

What to do if your spouse threatens to take your children away?

Family life has cracked, there is no love, only quarrels and showdowns. But the husband will agree to the divorce on the condition that the child remains next to him.

You should not despair under any circumstances. At the court hearing, all the pros and cons will be studied, witnesses will be questioned, and appropriate measures will be taken.

Guided by paragraph 3 of Art. 65 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation, when considering these categories of cases, the judge takes into account the interests of children, listening to their opinion. Important components are the age and gender of the child, character and interests, the financial condition of the father and mother, their characteristics from places of work and place of residence.

When a child reaches 10 years old, he himself can express his opinion and preference as to which parent he feels better with.

The statistics are that there are only 9 cases out of 100 when a child remains to live with his father after litigation.

Your ex-husband will manipulate you in every possible way to take the child with him. Warnings, written and verbal threats, and psychophysical attacks will be used.

Assume that he achieved his goal and the child remained to live with him. And what burden of responsibility for caring for the welfare of the child will fall on his head and shoulders. Good nutrition, attention and normal conditions for the development of a growing organism will be required. All this takes a lot of time and effort. One father simply cannot cope.

Therefore, before taking a child away from its natural mother, the court will thoroughly examine the material and living situation and the moral and psychological atmosphere of both parties. The advantage in the financial or living situation of one of the parents should not play a decisive role in the transfer of a child for maintenance and upbringing.

Representatives of the guardianship and trusteeship authorities play a major role in this issue, as they find out from the child his opinion and desires. If necessary, this can also be clarified during court hearings in a personal conversation and only in the presence of a social educator who has the appropriate qualifications and experience in communicating with children.

The ex-husband, when considering the issue of the child's residence, will be more interested in personal interests, and not in the interests of his son or daughter. He wants to take revenge on you more.

In any situation, behave calmly and balanced, do not pay attention to his words and defiant behavior. He will use every possible means to ensure that you create a scandal, swear, get into fights, and behave unworthily. And this could become evidence against you in court. Therefore, think through every word and action.

If your ex-husband begins to show aggression and use violence, you need to record this incident in more detail. Today it is quite simple, because almost everyone has a cell phone with a photo and video camera. Also, your relatives, friends, neighbors can be witnesses who can tell you in detail about what happened.

In this case, it will be necessary to ensure the presence of witnesses - neighbors, friends, who can confirm the facts in court that the incident and assault took place.

But you don’t need to bring such cases to trial in court with negative consequences.

Try to understand that your ex-spouse has equal rights with you in relation to your common child. He wants and needs to see and communicate with him. Try to peacefully agree on the time and place of their meeting.

Remember one thing - even the slightest quarrel has a negative impact on the child both as a person and on his psyche and health in the future. Sometimes even women themselves, with their rash actions, bring the case to court.

Try to look at what is happening from the outside from a different angle, take your father’s place. Despite disagreements with you, every father wants the best for his child.

Quite often, court proceedings related to determining the place of permanent residence of a minor child drag on for a long time.

The parties take all necessary measures to assert their rights and achieve the desired result.

When all possible measures have been taken, but there is no result, the ex-spouse will try to use illegal methods that fall under the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation.

The ex-spouse invites witnesses to court hearings who provide false testimony that has no basis. The information concerns the mother’s antisocial lifestyle and her inappropriate behavior with others.

Positive certificates and references from your place of work, place of residence, and testimony from a representative of the guardianship and trusteeship authorities can serve as support for your innocence.

Fictitious expert opinion on child attachment

There are no exceptions when, with the help of bribes and other property benefits, experts draw up fictitious opinions at the request of the ex-husband.

The main thing to remember is that it is better to carry out the examination in state expert institutions. In them, the fact of obtaining illegal expertise is reduced to almost zero.

If the examination raises the slightest doubt about its correctness and legality, request a repeat examination at another expert institution. This is your right provided by law.

Having used all means and methods to achieve their plan, fathers begin to manipulate their children with the help of money. This method is especially effective when you have financial problems and cannot afford expensive toys.

By buying various gifts, phones, modern trinkets, fathers lure their children to their side. For them, the mother with her everyday worries and love fades into the background. They will agree to do anything to once again see their father with another beautiful toy. The child’s word at the court hearing will have a weighty argument.

In this case, only a comprehensive examination of psychiatrists will help, who will confirm psychological pressure from the father with the help of money and material assets.

What to do when your ex-husband forcibly took away your child?

What should you do if, regardless of the results of the court proceedings, the ex-spouse illegally takes the child and keeps it with him.

It is urgent to find out from the guardianship and trusteeship authorities whether the father approached them with this question and when.

Having found out the circumstances and realized that the father took the child against your will and without the consent of representatives of the guardianship and trusteeship authorities, you need to contact the police and write a statement about the abduction.

In accordance with paragraph 2 of Art. 1 of the Federal Law “On Police”, employees of internal affairs bodies immediately come to the aid of anyone who needs protection from criminal and other illegal attacks.

If you disagree with the actions of the police, you can appeal their decisions to a higher authority. Your appeal will be considered and appropriate measures will be taken to ensure compliance with the law and justice. You also need to maintain contact with representatives of the guardianship and trusteeship authorities and inform them about everything that happens.

The best way out of this situation is to come to a consensus with the father on the issue of participation in raising the child and resolve all problems peacefully. The main character in these legal disputes and conflicts is a child who needs peace and harmony in relationships.

What to do if your husband threatens you during a divorce

I’m going to file for divorce from my husband. I have a 2-month-old child who is registered with the child. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I live with my parents in great conditions. The husband threatens that he will not give a divorce and, based on this, will not pay the elements and threatens to take the child. Can he take the child if my son and I are registered with him? and if he doesn't give me a divorce will he pay the items?

Daria, don’t worry, it’s just blackmail and manipulation. As a general rule, courts leave the child with the mothers if the latter fulfill parental responsibilities properly. The court will divorce you even without your husband’s consent, it will simply give you 2-3 months without reconciliation, and then if you have not reconciled, you will be divorced.

If you have any questions, please use the chat.

Have a question for a lawyer?

As far as I understand, you have living space with your parents. How suitable is it for a child to live and what are the conditions there?

I don't think you should worry about this. If you are working, that is, officially employed, even if you are on maternity leave, then I don’t think you have anything to worry about. As you yourself said, you do not lead an immoral lifestyle. Therefore, the husband will have to try hard to prove in court that the child will be better off with him than with you. However, this applies to both sides.

Simply, if you really intend to file for divorce, de-register at your husband’s place of residence and register with your parents. You can file a claim yourself to determine the child’s place of residence with you. In this case, the guardianship authorities will have to inspect the living conditions of both you and your husband and make their conclusion. But since the child is small (2 months), due to the biological needs of the child, he will most likely be left with you.

Furthermore, in accordance with Art. 80 of the RF IC, parents are obliged to support their minor children. The procedure and form for providing maintenance to minor children are determined by the parents independently.

If parents do not provide maintenance to their minor children, funds for the maintenance of minor children (alimony) are collected from the parents in court.

Thus, if your husband does not fulfill the responsibilities of supporting the child, you have the right to file for alimony both during the marriage and if the marriage is dissolved.

Dear Daria Nikolaevna!

In accordance with Art. 22 IC RF:

1. Divorce in court is carried out if the court determines that further life together of the spouses and the preservation of the family is impossible.

2. When considering a case of divorce in the absence of the consent of one of the spouses to dissolve the marriage, the court has the right to take measures to reconcile the spouses and has the right adjourn the case, setting a deadline for the spouses to reconcile within three months.

The marriage is dissolved if measures to reconcile the spouses were unsuccessful And spouses ( one of them) insist on divorce.

Regarding the place of residence of the child, if the parents live separately, it is established by agreement of the parents. At the same time, by virtue of clause 3 of Art. 65 RF IC:

If there is no agreement, the dispute between the parents is resolved by the court based on the interests of the children and taking into account the views of children. In this case, the court takes into account the child’s attachment to each of the parents, brothers and sisters, the child’s age, moral and other personal qualities of the parents, the relationship existing between each parent and the child, the possibility of creating conditions for the child’s upbringing and development (occupation, work schedule of the parents , financial and marital status of parents, etc.).

Thus, do not worry, the court primarily considers the interests of the children. Due to the fact that the child is small, the court will determine the child’s place of residence with his mother. Even if there is no consent to divorce, you will still be divorced if you insist on divorce. In the statement of claim, additionally state a demand for alimony. So, according to paragraph 1 of Art. 81 RF IC, in the absence of an agreement on payment

alimony alimony for minor children is collected by the court from their

parents monthly in the amount of: for one child - one quarter , on

two children - one third, three or more children - half earnings and

(or) other income of the parents. Alimony can also be demanded in a fixed amount of money on the basis of Art. 83 RF IC. Best wishes!

With respect, Nadezhda.

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Husband threatens violence during divorce

How can the plaintiff (ex-wife) protect herself from the defendant (ex-husband) in a civil trial? My husband is an inadequate person and threatens me with violence if I file for divorce and start litigation.

To protect your rights in civil proceedings, you can hire a representative to act on your behalf. This could be a lawyer or a lawyer. Such a specialist can competently represent the interests of his client, without your direct participation in the process. Thus, personal contact with the defendant during the proceedings can be completely excluded.

I also note that, by virtue of Art. 119 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation, a threat of murder or infliction of grievous bodily harm, if there was reason to fear that this threat would be carried out, is punishable by compulsory labor for a term of up to four hundred eighty hours, or by restriction of freedom for a term of up to two years, or by forced labor for a term of up to two years, or arrest for a term of up to six months, or imprisonment for a term of up to two years.

The first thing you need to do when receiving threats is to get confirmation that you are being threatened. This could be a photograph, video recording, audio recording, an extract with incoming numbers on a mobile number (this will help you to assert before the competent authorities about the repetition of such threats), testimony of witnesses, etc.

If you have been physically harmed, go to the police or the prosecutor's office, where they will give you an order to undergo a forensic medical examination. If they don’t give it, go to the emergency room, where the doctor will examine you and issue a certificate indicating that there are traces of bodily injuries.

If they refuse to accept your application, or try to dissuade you from submitting it, complain to the district prosecutor's office. If the police refuse to accept a statement or initiate a criminal case, then you must be given a resolution to refuse to initiate a case, which can be appealed through the head of the investigative body, the prosecutor or in court. In any case, the possibility of criminal prosecution often fundamentally changes the behavior of the aggressor to more loyal or neutral.

What to do if your husband threatens?

We hope that none of our readers will encounter such a situation in life! But, alas, those women who experienced threats from a spouse (or ex-spouse), They also hardly believed that this would happen to them - after all, they, too, once married a loving man! What to do, if husband threatens(or ex-husband) who to turn to and for what help, how to respond to threats– advises the women's website sympaty.net.

The husband threatens: what should the wife do?

First, you need to understand that this is not just “Vasenka is in a bad mood, you have to endure it” or “hitting means loving”!

Threats are an unlawful act. and you are absolutely not obliged to put on a “good face on a bad game” by listening to all this from your husband!

So, common mistakes that should not be made if your current or ex-husband threatens:

• Don't tell anyone about the threats. Like, why would I ruin the family’s reputation? Everything will still be fine, but my husband and I will be thought poorly of, etc. Of course, you should hope for the good, but you cannot remain in a situation where no one can help you, support you, and, in the end, confirm to the police that there really were threats! Think about who can become your “safety net” - parents, sister or brother, friends. In fact, publicity can be a very effective means of appeasing the threat - the husband may be afraid of ruining his own reputation!
• Do not contact law enforcement. Each local police officer will confirm how often neighbors, relatives and other third parties report about “domestic violence” - but not the affected women themselves! For some reason, in the Slavic mentality there is a very strong stereotype that if a husband threatens his wife, then “it’s her own stupid fault” and there’s no point in disgracing herself by making statements against her own husband! But this is exactly what tyrants and blackmailers use - confidence in impunity!
• Continue to endure this for years. To our great regret and horror, many families (if you can call it the word “family”) exist like this for years and decades - the husband drank, began to spew threats or even carry them out, sobered up, looked with repentant eyes, three days passed - history repeats itself... Not one must think that a threatening husband should be re-educated, “made to fall in love again”, especially just to endure a “hard woman’s lot.” You should especially seriously think about divorce if there are children in the family.

What to do when your husband threatens and you feel in danger?

But all of the above, rather, refers to the situation as a whole, which you need to think about with a cool head. And what to do exactly at that the moment when your husband threatens and you feel the danger of carrying out the threats?

• Call anyone for help! If possible, call people who can come to help - better not a hysterically screaming girlfriend, but a brother, dad, friend, someone who can keep his thoughts clear and protect you if something happens. If you can’t call, scream, call your neighbors, even knock on the radiators, even run out onto the balcony, calling for help!
• Try not to be alone with the threatening person.. If the conversation takes place at home, it is better to leave home for a while. Even if your husband follows you, it is no longer so dangerous: you should go to a crowded place where he is unlikely to do anything against you. Does your husband not want you to leave? At least run out into the entrance - there you are no longer in a closed “cage”: you can knock on your neighbors, in the end, the threatening person will also understand that his actions can already be heard and seen by strangers!
• Try to write down the threats. You can try to quietly turn on the video camera or voice recorder on your phone. It will come in handy.
• Agree with everything, if possible, fulfill the requirements threatening. Avoid hysteria and maintain an even, soothing tone of voice.

How can the law and law enforcement agencies help?

Threat of physical harm is a criminal offense. What the law implies for someone who makes threats can be read in Article 119 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation.

Even if there was no divorce between the spouses, this is not a mitigating circumstance - You can’t threaten your wife in the same way as you can threaten any other stranger..

However, a problem arises - how to prove that there was a threat, and what can law enforcement agencies do to ensure safety?

Advice from the site sympaty.net: if your husband threatens and you understand that this is not a one-time outburst of emotions, but often repeated words, that you should be seriously afraid - go to the police(police) and ask the local police officer to accept threat statement.

Tell as much as possible - what was said, why you are afraid of carrying out the threat, etc. Ask how the police can help in your specific situation, how to ensure your safety.

A statement is not a lawsuit. Unless there is direct evidence of threats, it will probably end up in the archives somewhere.

But! If you want dthreaten and bring this person to justice before the law, then facts will be required - these can be the testimony of witnesses to the threats (preferably not relatives, since relatives can be considered interested parties), and best of all, video recordings.

The problem is this - very many husbands threaten their wives in private, without witnesses, rightly reasoning that the woman would not want to “wash dirty linen in public.” And it’s not always possible to make a hidden camera - how to understand where and when a situation will arise when a “domestic tyrant” voices a threat?!

Therefore, the common advice that law enforcement officials give to women who come to write an application for their spouse is: wait until your husband tries to directly carry out the threat, and quickly call the police.

If the arriving squad finds a clearly “abnormal” situation, then, firstly, the enraged husband will be given a strict reprimand at the scene, and secondly, this will already be evidence of an offense and a reason to initiate a criminal case. Also, the basis for starting a trial will be bodily injuries, etc.

But. Who would agree like that? risk yourself– secretly trying to call the police, waiting 10-20 minutes (and there are situations when these minutes are just a very long time.), much less allowing bodily harm?!

Therefore, unfortunately, in our reality, the words that “saving drowning people are the work of the drowning people themselves” are still true... You yourself decide whether to continue to build a relationship with this person or leave your husband who threatened you.

Anyway, no need to feel guilty - the law is on your side!

Ex-husband threatens to take away child - what to do?

Divorce is always a difficult and painful event., especially if you have children. Unfortunately, children often become bargaining chips in the process of sorting out the relationship between parents. Wanting to ruin his wife's life, the husband threatens to take away the child, take away, take away, deprive the mother of parental rights And so on.

Conflict arising during divorce with children

Not everyone can come to a common denominator regarding raising children after divorce.

All the good things that happened between spouses who were once in love are forgotten, and the need to bring their offspring to adulthood without traumatizing them fades into the background.

Ideally, after a divorce, the father continues to take the child to training or some activities during the hours when he is free, this way he maintains communication with the baby and relieves the mother. It’s not bad if such a wise decision is reached voluntarily.

Because with small children, divorce occurs in court, then at the court hearing it is advisable to present a mutual plan for future life, which will take into account:

However, in the event of a conflict, it is impossible to reconcile all the nuances of communication between children and their father, and then instead of a mutual desire to raise children in a normal environment, the confrontation deepens, a written agreement remains a pipe dream for the mother.

Sometimes the mother is against communicating with the father who left the family, and most often it is the father who threatens the mother with trouble, because he wants to see each other not according to a schedule, but whenever he wants.

Can a father take his baby away from his mother?

The law equally enshrines the rights and responsibilities of parents in raising a child (Article 80 of the RF IC). The father can take the baby from the mother if he proves:

• What the woman doesn't care about the child, the baby is not well-groomed, hungry and dirty;
• immoral lifestyle wife - drinks, uses drugs, leads a dissolute life, does not work anywhere;
• wife beats up a child, drives you out onto the street, forces you to beg.

This provides grounds for depriving the mother of parental rights.

There are other circumstances that may force the court to place the baby with his father:

• mother works shifts, daily;
• work involves traveling;
• accommodations they do not give the opportunity to place the child with the mother;
• the woman is unbalanced, prone to hysteria;
• the child categorically refuses to stay with his mother.

Based on the interests of the baby and protecting them, the court will take into account all the pros and cons and render its verdict.

What to do if your husband threatens to take away your children?

The worst thing is if life has turned into hell, and the husband does not give a divorce, threatening to take the child for himself.

The court will certainly understand all the circumstances, look at documents, evidence, and listen to witnesses.

And he will be guided only by the interests of minor offspring when determining with whom it would be better for them to live (Clause 3 of Article 65 of the RF IC). If the child is over 10 years old, he will also be asked where and with whom he prefers to live.

According to statistics, after a divorce, only 7-10% of cases of children are left to their father.

The husband's threats to take away the cub are nothing more than an attempt at manipulation, here the child is used as a tool of pressure on the wife. Even if we imagine that the father took the child for himself, then he does not have enough time or patience for everything that needs to be done.

To ensure a normal existence for the offspring, need: wash, iron, learn homework, buy groceries and cook healthy and at the same time tasty food (not pizza and dumplings with fried eggs).

In addition, the court will examine the personal qualities of the mother and father, and no one will take away children from a woman leading a normal lifestyle without reason. This is only possible if the mother is deprived of her rights in relation to the child.

Demanding that the child be taken away from the mother, the father is most likely guided not by the interests of his son or daughter, but by a sense of revenge, the desire to make his ex hurt as much as possible.

When the situation is tense to the limit, a woman must pull herself together and remain calm and sane so as not to give reason to doubt your moral health. The husband is just waiting for his wife to:

• will cause a scandal;
• will start hysterical, will cry;
• will get into a fight.

You should not give a reason and succumb to provocations yourself.– it’s worth being smarter and thinking ahead.

If you show aggression or let go, you should immediately call the police. and call law enforcement officials.

Wherein it is necessary to ensure the presence of witnesses - neighbors, friends who can confirm in court that the incident and assault took place.

Should try again talk to the baby's father and find out what he really wants. In this case it would be useful remember yourself that the man, the father of your child, has the right to see him, and if the child is over 5 years old, then take it on a day off. By preventing communication, the woman herself is on the verge of breaking the law.

If the husband’s persuasion and admonitions are useless, and he intends to separate the mother from her offspring, then it makes sense to change the situation and go on a visit for two to three weeks, and better to another locality.

This will be a test for the spouse and an opportunity to see how he will behave. At the same time, you can’t get into trouble, you must always remember: the child and him too, he has the right to know how the baby feels, what his progress is in studies, in sports, etc.

Any violation of the rights of a child by the husband - cruelty, beating - must be recorded by the police by calling a squad to the house.

If the husband is partial to alcohol or is a drug addict, then these facts should also be documented at least in the protocol of the district police officer. All these measures will help in court so that the child remains with his mother.

The ex-husband forcibly took the child away and will not give it back - what to do?

Despite the court's decision, the ex-husband may decide to take the offspring from the mother. Having realized that her husband took the baby without consent, the woman must:

1. find out from the guardianship authorities whether the father coordinated his intention with them;
2. immediately run to the police and write a statement about the kidnapping.

The application may not be taken on the first day, but still the police must open a case. If the police persist and refuse to initiate a case, need to contact higher authorities, ask and beg, but get your way.

You need to fight for your child using legal methods, because if there is a court decision and it is determined that the offspring will live with his mother, and the father will come and communicate, then it turns out that it is he, the father, who has broken the law.

In cases where it is not clear where the father hid the baby, it is necessary to ensure that the child is put on the wanted list. The PLO should be notified of the incident in writing.

There is only one way out - negotiate amicably with dad and let the baby go for the weekend, even if you really don’t want to. If you can’t decide on a meeting schedule, it’s worth trying to involve PLO workers. And if the court approved this communication, then further - only follow the court's decision.

Children usually love both mom and dad and want to see both of them. Since it so happened that the relationship did not work out, then you need to try not to poison the life of the cub even more by tearing it into two parts.

What to do if your husband threatens divorce? How best to respond to statements of this kind?

In general, if a man easily throws out words, and is in no hurry to submit an application to the registry office, then you don’t have to react to such phrases. But their reasons may be unexpected. Let's figure it out.

Husband threatens divorce during quarrel

A quarrel is the moment when roles in the family are determined or redistributed. When feelings are exposed under the influence of emotions, it is easy to understand who depends on whom financially, morally or in some other way. But is it worth taking seriously that your husband is threatening divorce?

And if the husband suddenly realizes that he is inferior to his wife in some respects, then he should strive to show her that he is in charge here and he makes the final decision. He doesn't really intend to leave, but he feels it necessary to intimidate her. Let him be afraid of losing him. Why is he threatening divorce?

He's a manipulator

It creates a feeling of fear in you. After all, you probably became literally silky at first in order to prevent all possible quarrels. But over time, you got tired, cursed, and he again threatened to leave. Then the intervals between quarrels became shorter, the reaction to words became calmer. Exactly until you get tired of it.

Your husband is a blackmailer

He knows that you depend on him. For example, you have a small child, you are not able to provide for yourself at the moment. During this period, he felt like a king. By His grace, you are allowed to shop, run the household, and please him. And if the wife puts up with it, then you can afford more.

Your husband threatens divorce, then creates conditions to limit your freedom. For example, it does not allow you to work, look stylish and take care of yourself. That is, you will be dependent on him all the time.

But this period will end, then it’s up to you to decide whether you are ready to continue to endure this attitude. And if he realizes that he can’t intimidate you like that, what else can he do?

He's not confident in himself

He feels that in order to emphasize his importance, he must belittle you. Therefore, the husband threatens divorce. The less you value yourself, the calmer he feels that you are not keeping anything from him.

The reasons that prompt a husband to behave in this way may lie somewhere deep in his soul. A professional psychologist can figure them out. If you want to do it yourself, you could end up wasting a lot of time and ending up frustrated. If you truly love your husband and want to help him, then don’t try to do everything yourself, use the services of a psychologist. It will be much safer for your relationship.

He doesn't need you

He is used to living with you, he is comfortable. Or he's just comfortable. That's why he doesn't file for divorce. He is not afraid to offend you or hurt your feelings, because there is no response. And it was not even a threat, but one of the possible scenarios.

He said these words, most likely, quite calmly or even with some irritation. He doesn't care how you react or what you do. After all, it doesn’t matter to him whether you stay together or separate.

What to do?

If after reconciliation you do not return to the conversation about divorce, life continues in the same rhythm, then this threat has no real intention. You can either take this as a peculiarity of your husband and not hear this phrase, or ask him not to constantly threaten you.

Or you may react to his words in an unusual way. Did he say he would divorce you? Well, we take out a large suitcase and begin to put his things there. Try to notice his reaction as soon as you take the suitcase and open the closet. What will you see in his eyes other than confusion?

What if it's serious?

It happens that even an accidental phrase during a quarrel has a strong basis. This may be accumulated fatigue, dissatisfaction with the quality of family life and your relationships.

In this case, you need to return to this topic in a calm environment. Then you can discuss what exactly doesn’t suit you in the relationship and correct them in time.

If your wife threatens divorce

For women in general, the same motives apply, prompting them to threaten divorce during quarrels. This can be heard especially often in the version: “I will divorce you and take the children!” Hiding behind and blackmailing children is a common practice.

In general, involving children in relationships between adults is a prohibited practice. However, according to statistics, more than 90% of mothers receive custody of their children by court decision. So this threat sounds quite convincing.

If you are the same wife who likes to intimidate her husband, think about why you are doing this? Can you really be valued just because you gave birth to a child? Or are you afraid that your husband will leave you and are proactive?

To keep my husband

Well, first of all, you can’t hold him back by force. If he decides to leave, then you can only put him on a chain to keep him. And, secondly, the method is dubious and is not approved by law. So if you are afraid of losing your husband, then you need to act in a different way.

Find out what doesn't suit him in your relationship, develop a joint plan to improve the relationship and start implementing it. This way you will save your family, and not completely destroy what could still be saved.

You don't respect yourself

True, a woman for whom the highest level of personal growth is motherhood does not evoke sympathy. Being a mother is wonderful, but you have to remain a wife to your husband, a colleague at work, a friend, a daughter to your parents. That is, life is much more varied and interesting. If your wife threatens to divorce her husband and take the children, then most likely you lack self-confidence.

But your husband fell in love with you not only for your fertility. So don't belittle your merits. And get out of the habit of manipulating children in your relationship. This will not make your husband tremblingly afraid of losing you. Rather, he will feel very irritated.

You don't get enough compliments

When you threaten to leave, you want to hear something pleasant in response. For example, that your husband loves and appreciates you, considers you beautiful and attractive. But are there really no other methods by which you could get these words from him?

- I'll leave you! - you shout (- Tell me that you love! - your gaze silently asks, which your husband does not know how to recognize).

“I’m not holding you,” he barks in response (“What’s gotten into her head again?” the husband thought wearily).

So why don't you just say what you want? Ask her to compliment you and to repeat more often that she loves you. Don't feel like you're forcing someone to say something nice to you. Most likely, he simply doesn’t realize that you need it. The more frank you are in your conversations, the more you will learn to understand your spouse, and your relationship will become calmer and more harmonious.

So if a wife threatens divorce to boost her self-esteem, then she is stupid.

Is it possible to threaten my husband with divorce?

Why can't you threaten your spouse to intimidate? You can threaten your husband or wife with divorce only when you are ready to carry it out and you have already tried several ways to save your marriage. Then your words will have weight. Only if this condition is met will they sound intimidating.

If you are not going to get a divorce, then your threat will sound pathetic. And if this is not the first time, then there is no faith in your words. Rather, they will be perceived as extraneous noise that does not deserve attention.

Even in the heat of emotion, learn to control your words. Always have a list in your head of what you should never say under any circumstances. In addition to the threat of divorce, you can add:

• do not reproach the size of your salary or apartment;
• do not criticize the actions of his relatives and especially his mother;
• do not set examples of husbands of friends or neighbors who are more successful in your opinion;
• don't judge;
• don't humiliate.

Even a quarrel has its own rules. If you follow them, you will avoid problems in your marriage.

No couple can live without conflicts throughout their married life. Sometimes discord takes on a wide variety of forms and, as recent statistics show, often leads to the breakdown of marriage relationships. The initiative for divorce may belong to either spouse, but the wife tries more often than the husband to save the marriage. She resorts to various tricks, and even threatens to break up. Can this method of influencing a husband be considered effective? Let’s try to figure it out.

Reasons for divorce

First, it’s worth finding out what caused the family crisis. Based on this, they judge the possibility and advisability of continuing the marriage relationship. In general, the reasons for divorce are as follows:

• Banal addiction. When a couple lives together for some time, the existence of a partner seems self-evident. People stop valuing their spouses as much as they did at first.
• Stopping communication. There comes a period when husband and wife already know everything about each other. They simply have nothing to discuss except everyday matters.
• Fading of feelings. At a certain stage, spouses stop showing feelings, which threatens the relationship, which does not indicate a lack of love.
• Indifference. Often one partner ceases to be interested in the problems and experiences of the other. This leads to mutual ignorance, causing a crisis.
• Bad habits. Alcohol, gambling, and drug addiction destroy relationships and indicate the unreliability of a partner, which can seriously affect the financial situation of the family.
• Physical violence. It is a completely unacceptable phenomenon if a husband threatens with his fists; no excuse can be made for him.
• Treason. For many, the worst thing that happens in family life is that it speaks of disrespect. Not everyone is able to forgive her.

This is not a complete list of possible problems; these are considered the most common.

Fundamental psychological differences

Advice from friends, psychologists, attempts to improve relationships on their own - this is the arsenal of a wife who wants it at any cost. There are often cases when a woman in a quarrel blackmails her partner and says that she will file for divorce. Experts in the field of marital relations almost unanimously say that this is not a constructive solution. When a woman threatens her husband with a break in the relationship, he regards this as a challenge, and is ready to actually take such a step, even if it contradicts his plans. The differences between male and female psychology are clearly evident here. When a wife only threatens divorce, she wants to express her own grievances, jealousy and stimulate her husband to change his behavior. And he analyzes the specific actions that need to be taken to implement the divorce.

We simulate situations

Based on real stories of women who have encountered a crisis in marital relations in life, we will try to model the behavior of spouses in different conditions.

• A man stays late at work, constantly spends his free time at the computer or drinks beer with friends, returning home drunk, threatens physical violence, does not pay attention to the fact that his wife takes full responsibility for housework and childcare, and refuses to help her. In a quarrel, she tries to prove him wrong and threatens to break up. The partner either agrees or tries to improve, but it doesn’t last long. In the first case, perhaps he was just waiting for a convenient excuse for divorce, not wanting to be responsible for the collapse of the family. The second option did not work due to insufficient motivation, if the wife is constantly blackmailing with divorce, but things don’t go beyond words, there is nothing to be afraid of. Psychologists advise living separately for a short time (1-2 months), and it is better for the husband to move out rather than the wife. During this period, it will become clear how dear his family is to him and whether he wants to keep it. This can be judged by his behavior: searching for opportunities to meet, attention to children, financial assistance. Based on the results, you need to make a final decision whether you need to live together again.
• An important and effective factor can be the husband’s attitude towards children. If he loves them, has an established relationship with them, and during the next conflict the wife says that she will divorce and the children will stay with her, this can radically change the relationship between the partners. Here it is extremely important not to go too far; when a wife blackmails her husband, using the opportunity to limit his communication with the children, he can only become angry with her. Common love for children should become a consolidating factor, and not vice versa.
• When a couple is already living separately, the wife should not even try to scare her partner with an official divorce. It is quite possible that he has long come to terms with the inevitability of this, and if the wife tells her husband about filing an application for alimony for herself and the children, this can significantly make him think about his future fate.
• If a woman constantly threatens to dissolve her marriage, says in a quarrel that she will leave her husband, but does not take real steps, then this plays against her. As a result, the husband gets used to it and accepts these conversations as ordinary; this will only lead the conflict situation to a dead end. Moreover, he can present himself to relatives and acquaintances as a hero who, without following his wife’s lead, tries to save the family. To resolve the crisis situation, decisive measures must be taken. For example, after another quarrel, energetically pack your things and leave, waiting until the man himself tries to return his wife.

The most important thing in family life is to maintain mental contact and not lose common ground. In order to avoid situations that could lead to divorce, both partners are required to make efforts to maintain a harmonious relationship. You should not cut from the shoulder. Experience says that there is almost always an amicable way out of the situation. It is worth considering that if a woman threatens divorce, then this will not bring her any benefit in the long run. It is worth telling your partner about this if the spouse really firmly decided to end the relationship with him.