Hello Saule

I have carefully read your letter and propose to build our dialogue with answers to key phrases from the letter:

We live with his parents (I love them), the child is mainly with his mother. We are working.

You have been married for 3 years and have a child. At the same time, your child is completely looked after by your husband’s parents, while you are completely fixated on making money. I wanted to ask you a question - For what do you need a child? This is a serious question, and how you answer will make it clear (to you, first of all) why it is not you and your husband who are raising your child, but your parents. Actually, it should be completely different - child mostly on you, and apashki and atashki only help you sometimes look after him. This is, of course, a separate topic for consideration by you especially ( Bye) is not considered.

He does not engage in self-development and does not try to earn more

Tell me, how long did you know your husband before you got married? I have the impression that you did not marry a specific person, but some Image, which they came up with about him. If your goal in marriage was secured financially stable position, then, accordingly, you should have chosen just such a man for yourself. Everyone has their own priorities in the family - some Love, some have children, and some have material well-being, and this is normal. But.... The fact is that you need to select a partner in marriage according to your request, and not according to the principle - “I want someone who is rich and purposeful, and that’s what you should become.” Your husband is different! The sooner you understand this, the better, for everyone.

Spends all his free time and not only on watching unnecessary video jokes and movies, gets up late, has stopped reading namaz

Why did you decide that he Spends all free time? If you don’t like how he spends his leisure time, this does not mean that this time is different - Spends. To him like watch exactly these videos, exactly these films and he has the right to change his attitude to prayer. Maybe he decided that nothing bothers him Believe in Allah, the fact that he does not read prayer. Maybe after all It’s more honest not to read prayer without desire rather than continue it automatically so that everyone thinks that he is like that Believer. Every person I have my own preferences and they don’t have to coincide with yours, the same is true in the opposite direction - what you like may well not be liked by your husband, and yet, he can't dictate to you your conditions or your requirements.

I understand that I can’t put up with this, because... I may earn everything myself, but I’ll just kill him and stop respecting him, and in the end we’ll get divorced

If I understand you correctly, you have respect to a man only to the one who earns a lot? It's not enough for you to respect that he does it still work? You seem like Eastern woman and yourself believer, judging by what you write about your husband giving up prayer. Tell- the way you behave - you scold your husband, make claims to him, demand some kind of self-development, which, in your understanding, only concerns making money, saw him-Can all this be the behavior of a Muslim wife? Yours rules somehow they just work one way- husband Must To be ideal for you is to earn a lot, not watch unnecessary (in your opinion) programs and at the same time not have the right to give up prayer. You can behave as you want and not adhere to the rules that exist for believing women in Islam. This is true?

Not long ago we agreed on a last chance and a trial period of 3 months, but almost immediately everything continues according to the old scheme (well, it does a little more)

You just recently Agreed about some kind of last chance (apparently your condition again) and at the same time, even if there are already some changes (it does a little more) you're still not happy with him. Do you want him to Adult a man, with his own habits and skills, took and reborn into a different person in a short time,just because you gave him one last chance? Your requirements are very exaggerated and strict.

what if it's just me?

If you are still ready to see your mistakes, then this already gives hope that you will avoid divorce and save your family. The point is that you you require from my husband become a different person. A person can only change if he himself wants it. In order for him to work more, he must understand for yourself what is it for him you need it yourself So what this is beneficial for him. As long as you demand this and at the same time reproach him for his inability, it is unlikely that he will ever change. Quicker vice versa- all your quarrels and unpleasant words that he hears from you make his work even more unpleasant for him. Simply put, you work connected with a negative connotation, which means when he talks about work or hears about it, it is immediately perceived by him as something unpleasant.

What should I read?

There is a lot of good literature on sale, I can recommend you the book by Virginia Satir "How to build yourself and your family."

A personal meeting with a psychologist is more effective and will help you consider your situation much more deeply, and accordingly, the result of such work will be higher. You will be able to see your relationship as if from the outside and this will help you remove your erroneous expectations and accept Reality, with which you will already know what to do next.

Or get a divorce

If your main priority in your relationship with your husband is - Money and their number, then -You can get a divorce. Best wishes.

Bekezhanova Botagoz Iskrakyzy, psychologist of Astana

Now it has become very fashionable to take the path of self-development. Everywhere there are announcements about new super-effective trainings, advertisements for books, seminars, lectures. Some fast, some meditate, some chant mantras and read affirmations.

This is all very good. And I am “FOR” human development with both hands. It doesn’t matter to me what a person does, the main thing is that his activities bring him benefit, joy and satisfaction.

But more often it happens the other way around, we just watched the movie “The Secret”, we just read “”, and that’s it: we consider ourselves to be a guru of personal growth, we begin to teach and instruct others, trying to advise them, help them take the right path, we don’t care at all and don’t even We think about what the person himself wants?

I often receive letters like this from readers when she - already all smart and beautiful, well-read and busy with creative implementation - comes into the house, and here HE is. He's lying, you know, on the couch with a can of beer, staring at the TV. And then he wonders why I don’t devote time to him, don’t spend evenings with him and generally stopped talking to him. Doesn’t he see that he is degrading, destroying himself and has generally become uninteresting and disgusting to me.

In such cases, I always give one answer: have you ever wondered why this person is still with you? So, if you haven’t thought about it yet, I think it’s worth asking yourself this question.

Often in such situations we begin to break a person by imposing our point of view on him. In my opinion, this is wrong, and this is a thankless job, to be honest.

NOTHING IN OUR LIFE WILL HAPPEN WITHOUT OUR CONSENT!

EVERYTHING HAS ITS TIME!

Nothing can happen before a person is ready for change, before a person understands at a deep level the importance of change.

What is change and why do we not want to change?

Change is new behavior, something we haven't had to do before.

And we don’t want to change because:

For this we will have to do something, but we don’t want to;

We are used to living the way we live;

We don't know what's right;

We have no guarantees and no one can guarantee that things will be better later;

We are forced to do this, but on a deep level it has not yet been felt, so we resist change;

Everyone lives like this;

We are used to suffering, and are not sure that happiness exists at all;

We find it difficult to believe that there is a better life;

We don’t want to work on ourselves and improve our qualities and the quality of our life;

We are afraid of change, change;

We are mired in momentary pleasures and a consumerist lifestyle;

The brain slows us down, since the very first function of the brain is ours, and then there are some changes that were previously unknown. Dangerous? How dangerous it is. So the brain tries with all its might to dissuade us from change and persuade us to continue living in a comfortable swamp.

This is just a small list of what slows us down. Remember how you started this path of self-improvement. Surely there were doubts and internal struggles too. I struggled for about six months, although before my eyes there were people who were happier and easier to rise to. People who don’t worry and easily perceive any situation, but I still struggled. I fought with them, I fought with myself, I fought with my old attitudes that were instilled in me since childhood.

In my opinion, the most important thing here is to gradually move forward. Day after day, little by little, remind yourself of the benefits of this or that action or habit.

After all, we understand everything with our brains, but it can take years for a habit-change to enter our lives. But the main thing is to go to her.

What can I say to women who are trying so hard to lead their significant other:

Develop yourself and your life ONLY FOR YOURSELF!!! There is no need for any sacrifices or phrases “I’ve dedicated my whole life to you,” “I’ve dedicated my life to you...” and so on. Don’t shine for him, shine for yourself, and then you can light the way for millions of people.

Realize that if you have a burning desire to change a person, to help him take the right path, then you are only at the very beginning of the path. Those people who have gone far do not care about other people's lifestyles. They enjoy their life and lead others unknowingly.

Learn to talk to a man in such a way that he does not feel discriminated against. So that thoughts do not appear in his head that you are too smart and he is a fool. The person will feel uncomfortable and will run away from you at every opportunity or continue to conflict with you. We don't need this.

Don't judge the craze for TV and beer too harshly. First, take care of yourself. Invite your man to spend time together, but not in front of the TV, but for example, on a walk before bed. Encourage those proposals from a man that will give growth and development to your relationship, and not degrade together.

Study the VEDAS. Information about women's and men's responsibilities. Then you will understand that the man should be the leader in the relationship. He simply does not accept women's suggestions and rejects them in every possible way, just because he is a man. This is his nature, and there is no escape from it.

Your task is to communicate competently with a person, instill in him new views on life and inspire him to exploits and changes.

I really like the saying of Lope de Vega: “Love prefers equals!”

Many marriages break up due to unwillingness to follow their partner. One is already busy with self-development, while the other is not ready yet.

Here it is important to understand whether you are ready to wait and work on yourself and yours. Do you have the strength and time to walk this path together? After all, no one can rule out that perhaps your man will never want to engage in self-development. And you should be prepared for this too.

Hello.

In our family, I dream of high goals in life; I always wanted to move from our city to another country, travel a lot, and start my own company. And my husband loves everything ordinary.

I am I, and You are You.
I am busy with my business, and you are busy with yours.
I'm not in this world for that
to meet your expectations,
and you are not there to match mine.
If we met and got along, that's great.
If not, there is nothing to help.

Frederick Perls

Can you change someone else? No. You can only change yourself. Do you need to ask in order to develop? No. Freedom of personal space and growth. This is a natural need of your soul. This is your legal right. Who is a man or husband who forbids you to have human dignity? And what right does he have?

From book -

People come together to make their lives happier; however, the exact opposite happens. It’s as if wives and husbands are together to make each other’s lives miserable, to destroy it. The reason is that they do not even understand the meaning of love.

The more space you give each other, the more together you will be. The more freedom you allow each other, the more close you are. Not close enemies, but close friends.

The poet says - “And let the winds of heaven dance between you.”

This is the fundamental law of existence: too close a life, without space for freedom, destroys the flower of love. You crushed him, you didn't give him room to grow.

At the very least, lovers should feel that the wife needs her own space, just as the husband needs his own space.

Love each other, but do not turn love into shackles. It should be a free gift, given or received, but should not be a requirement. Otherwise, very soon you will still be together, but as far from each other as the stars. Understanding will not connect you; you have not left any space even for a bridge.

Don't make love something immovable. Don't turn it into a routine.
If freedom and love can be yours at the same time, you will need nothing more. You got what you were given life for. Do not harass another in any way.

The strings of the lute are lonely, but they tremble with the same music. Separation, space - in the individuality of the strings. And meeting, dissolving, merging - in music.
That music is love

The payoff is great. Love gives unconditionally, but it does not give its heart to the possession of another.

Standing close, but without destroying the other, not too close - leaving space. “And the columns of the temple stand apart...”
Look at these columns. They stand apart and yet support the same roof.

“Both oak and cypress do not grow in each other’s shadow.”

So much space is needed so that the other is not in your shadow. Otherwise there will be no growth.

Why are people who love constantly angry and sad? - because their own growth does not occur. One of the two occupied the entire sky and did not leave even a small space for the sun, wind, or rain for the other. This is not love, this is possessiveness, possessions.

Love would like you to grow at the same speed, to the same height, so that you dance together in the sun, wind, rain. Your intimacy should be an art. Love is the greatest art of existence. Rajneesh.

Peace to you.

~ Don't forget to rate the answers you like. I am very grateful that you value the work of psychologists.

Good afternoon. I was interested in your answer “Hello. In our family, I dream of high goals in life, I always wanted to move from ours...” to the question http://www.. Can I discuss this answer with you?